Venture Brothers

Sundays 11:30 PM on Cartoon Network
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I'm tired of you always Brock blocking me, Samson.

Hatred

Hank: When our daddy dies, are you guys prepared to adopt us?
Hunter Gathers: No, but I'd consider an extremely late-term abortion.

they're henchmen, you don't explain to to them. They do your bidding. When you say jump, they say, "what shark?"

Monarch

Hatred: There just wasn't anymore they could have done.
Dean: They could have tried.
Hatred: I know, but he didn't have any insurance and they wouldn't accept my diner's club card.

I'm out of gun food.

Hank

Brock: We had to make sacrifices.
Dr. Venture: Like covering yourselves in rotten eggs. Do you know how bad you smell?
Brock: No, ass! Like living next to the boys for a year and not being able to tell them that they're safe. That kinda sacrifice!
Hunter: I had my pud removed, then reattached.
ShoreLeave: I pretended I became a religious fanatic.
Sky Pilot: I pretended to be in love with ShoreLeave.
ShoreLeave: Oh! And I pretended I liked having sex with him every night.

Monstroso! That's what this is about? He's king of the double cross. I mean, think about it. He's a lawyer and a super villain. That's like a shark with a grenade launcher on his head.

Dr. Girlfriend

The Monarch: Sweet! So let's go with my plan to cover his compound in sticky hot sugar! Leaving him and his family to be devoured by ants! And those little ones...
Henchman 21: You mean gnats?
The Monarch: No.
Henchman 21: Chiggers?
The Monarch: Chiggers!
Monstroso: No, that plan was stupid. My plan is clean, elegant, classic. We take him down as one would take down a Mafia don. Cigar?
The Monarch: No! So then we're going with my plan to just put him in a bag and beat him with a rake?
Monstroso: No, that was also stupid.

Brock: Uh, geez, this place reeks. What's this guy doing in there?
ShoreLeave: The guy is Peter Schumpmaker. Lord knows what a schump is, but you can bet your bippy his ancestors made them. What he's doing is far worse than crafting fine shumps

Henchman 21: Do we have souls?
Henchman 24: Yes, but they're not quite souls, but in Earth's general idea, everything has a soul.
Henchman 21: Crap, so I guess we should become vegetarian.
Henchman 24: No, like everything living has a soul, even spinach. You can't win.
Henchman 21: So that's a problem.
Henchman 24: Here's something. You know how people cry about aborting babies because of their soul? Turns out you don't get a soul until you're like one.
Henchman 21: So, weird, one. Really?
Henchman 24: Or maybe six months. I forget. Either way, you're just this little crying, pooing monster blob until you get your soul.

Henchmen 24: Ask me any question.
Henchmen 21: Okay, what's the meaning of life?
Henchmen 24: The color twelve.
Henchmen 21: Really?
Henchmen 24: No, idiot, ask me something less Hitchhiker's Guide, dork.

The Master: Did you know he's uncircumcised? Yeah, Mr. Baldie will forever wear his turtleneck.
Triana: That's so gross! Do I have to break his heart?
The Master: No, but you do have to clean his penis with a Q-Tip.

Displaying quotes 37 - 48 of 278 in total

Venture Bros. Quotes

Hank: You are not the boss of me
Sgt Hatred: Au contraire, I am tony danza to your spunky Alyssa Milano. I am full on Charles In Charge of you

Hank: Is it just me or does every Nazi want to clone Hitler? It's like the only they think about
Srgt. Hatred: It seems that way, right. I guess when everyone hates you, you just fixate on making rotten Hitlers