Your death will be my holiday.

Wilfred [to Drew]

Ryan: I feel bad.
Wilfred: That's just your conscience being a total gaylord.

Chemistry, baking and ping pong... how were you not blow jobbed to death by the entire cheerleading squad?

Ryan: What's the one thing Jenna hates about Drew?
Wilfred: Vaginal tearing from his huge cock?

Ryan: You son of a bitch!
Wilfred: How is that an insult? I've never understood that.

Ryan: I'm not crazy.
Wilfred: Said the man to the dog.

Wilfred: Please tell me that donkey faced thing with the braces is not the chick you're going out with.
Ryan: She doesn't have braces.
Wilfred: Yeah you just can't see 'em, because they're probably on her legs. How do you think she supports that massive donkey face?

Mrs. Newman is my slave name. You can call me Catherine.


Catherine: Indian Chief, woo woo woo woo. That was a little racist but it was fun.
Wilfred: How is that racist? Indians do that all the time.

A bone? That's like giving a basketball to a black guy.

What? You think you can do better than undies on the face?

Ryan, anger is like herpes. You're not meant to keep it to yourself.

Wilfred Quotes

The home security system to a dog is like the cotton gin to a slave. It's an insult. It says you're easily replaceable.


Ryan: I thought it would make me sound Effete.
Wilfred: So does saying the word "effete."