Being happy is just like being gay. It's a choice, that's why they mean the same thing.

Shame is like having a daughter with red hair and freckles; you cannot let it become part of your life.

A bone? That's like giving a basketball to a black guy.

Sometimes when I look at you, I can almost see a 10-foot tampon string hanging out of you.

Having fun, Ryan? Just another lazy Sunday watching porn with your lazy, rock hard neighbor.

I have a government job. All I do is watch porn!

Jesse

Ryan: Did you eat my sandwich?
Wilfred: Because I'm a dog, right? I can only imagine what you'd say if I was black.

Here comes the part where he carries her into the house like a Viking on a rape quest. He's gonna wreck that, mate.

Your death will be my holiday.

Wilfred [to Drew]

Ryan: What's the one thing Jenna hates about Drew?
Wilfred: Vaginal tearing from his huge cock?

Not like I was gonna buy her. Last time I had Indian, it gave me the shits for a week.

Ryan: I thought it would make me sound Effete.
Wilfred: So does saying the word "effete."

Wilfred Quotes

Ryan: Another Hillary Swank dream?
Wilfred: She was wearing a g-string in this one. Ryan it was so real.

Being happy is just like being gay. It's a choice, that's why they mean the same thing.

Wilfred