You know how creepy I find menopausal women.

For a guy who once tried to kill himself, you don't have a whole lot of compassion.

Wilfred: Do you know what this is?
Ryan: Let me guess, the length of my dick?
Wilfred: No, it's the amount of compassion you've shown towards your mum...and the length of your dick. They happened to be equal in this case. It doesn't happen often, but it's pretty cool when this shit lines up. Like an eclipse.

Catherine: Come join me my child.
Wilfred: I thought you'd never ask.

Mrs. Newman is my slave name. You can call me Catherine.


Jenna: That's so...
Wilfred: Okay Jenna you just cut mum off in the middle of a story!

Ryan, remember when I told you a few weeks ago that you are a total pussy? Well I just wanted to apologize for not emphasizing that enough.

Here comes the part where he carries her into the house like a Viking on a rape quest. He's gonna wreck that, mate.

Ryan: Eat shit! Eat shit!
Wilfred: Again, your tone says insult, but what I'm hearing is a tempting offer.

But Jenna's put a lot of work into this. She even took me to the groomer. Thanks for noticing by the way.

Not like I was gonna buy her. Last time I had Indian, it gave me the shits for a week.

Ryan: I thought it would make me sound Effete.
Wilfred: So does saying the word "effete."

Wilfred Quotes

Ryan: Another Hillary Swank dream?
Wilfred: She was wearing a g-string in this one. Ryan it was so real.

Being happy is just like being gay. It's a choice, that's why they mean the same thing.