You know how creepy I find menopausal women.

For a guy who once tried to kill himself, you don't have a whole lot of compassion.

Wilfred: Do you know what this is?
Ryan: Let me guess, the length of my dick?
Wilfred: No, it's the amount of compassion you've shown towards your mum...and the length of your dick. They happened to be equal in this case. It doesn't happen often, but it's pretty cool when this shit lines up. Like an eclipse.

Catherine: Come join me my child.
Wilfred: I thought you'd never ask.

Mrs. Newman is my slave name. You can call me Catherine.


Jenna: That's so...
Wilfred: Okay Jenna you just cut mum off in the middle of a story!

Ryan: I'm not crazy.
Wilfred: Said the man to the dog.

Ryan: You son of a bitch!
Wilfred: How is that an insult? I've never understood that.

Ryan: Eat shit! Eat shit!
Wilfred: Again, your tone says insult, but what I'm hearing is a tempting offer.

But Jenna's put a lot of work into this. She even took me to the groomer. Thanks for noticing by the way.

What's so wrong with a little beer and some small talk with the ass holes down the street?

Ryan: Get off.
Wilfred: I'm trying to!

Wilfred Quotes

The home security system to a dog is like the cotton gin to a slave. It's an insult. It says you're easily replaceable.


Ryan: I thought it would make me sound Effete.
Wilfred: So does saying the word "effete."