Wilfred: Ryan do you have any more rice?
Ryan: How much do you need?
Wilfred: 100 pounds should do it.

God damn it Wilfred, I will not let you ejaculate all over me again.


I could totally pass as Harry Potter.


Those teeth in there, are they James?

Ryan: Why don't you ask your best friend Dennis?
Wilfred: Ryan I have a confession to make. Dennis will be out of town this weekend also.

Ryan: We decided to leave and start our own boutique law firm together.
Wilfred: Boutique? So you'd represent jewelry and effeminate trinkets and such?

Look at this tub of radiance checking me out.


I can't leave my family. My kids need me. Please, that's bullshit. They're like nine years old.


Look you and I both know the paper swan can't actually talk to Bear, but if it helps Bear that's all that matters.

Stay out of this squish tits!


Everyone knows the great dane's preferred method of attack is to pin down and slobber on. Coincidentally, that's also Drew's preferred method of love making.

Bear stole that button off Amanda's coat. When Bear drinks he loses all impulse control.

Wilfred Season 2 Quotes

Being happy is just like being gay. It's a choice, that's why they mean the same thing.


Wilfred: Do you know why dogs dig?
Ryan: Because they're searching for bones?
Wilfred: Because we're searching for truth.