Alan: So is there anything I should know about? Any side effects or anything?
Doctor: Well that's one of the purposes of the research. But in tests of this nature, common side effects include dry mouth, hair loss, blurred vision, inflammed gums...
Alan: Okay.
Doctor: ...Mild nausea, heart palpitations, liver damage...
Alan: Wow!
Doctor: ...Boils, shingles, sudden fainting, and temporary darkening of the stool.
Alan: Good Lord! How much do you pay people to do this?
Doctor: A thousand dollars a week.
Alan: I'm in!

Related Quotes:
Alan Harper Quotes, Two and a Half Men Season 5 Episode 5 Quotes, Two and a Half Men Quotes
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Two and a Half Men Season 5 Episode 5 Quotes

Alan: Money doesn't just fall from the sky.
Charlie: Obviously you've never been sitting ringside when a pole dancer hangs upside down.

God takes care of drunks and fools, and C. Roscoe Harper is both.