Alan: Thanks for taking Jake back to Judith's.
Charlie: No problem. Sorry I had to send Mom in there.
Alan: No, no, you, uh... you did the right thing. I needed a good slap in the face. Although with Mom it's more like a nailgun to the testicles

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Charlie Harper Quotes, Alan Harper Quotes, Two and a Half Men Season 4 Episode 1 Quotes, Two and a Half Men Quotes
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Two and a Half Men Season 4 Episode 1 Quotes

Jake: Even though Mom stopped loving you and Kandi stopped loving you, you don't have to worry about me.
Alan: Thanks, pal!
Jake: You're my dad. I pretty much gotta love you.

Alan: Listen, I-- I really need to talk to you. Can you come downstairs?
Charlie: Sure. Give me... an hour and a half.
Alan: An hour and a half?
Charlie: I know it's a little rushed, but we're on a tight schedule here! Tina's got homework, Cindy's got to meet her fiancé, and Marie... well, Marie's on the clock.
Alan: You already had two women in bed and you felt the need to call a professional?
Charlie: Better safe than sorry.