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Doctor: Very interesting...
Mortician: What is it, doc?
Doctor: Well, your temperature is only 55 degrees, you have no pulse, no heartbeat, and your eyes are all puffy and sticky...
Mortician: Oh no! You mean...?
Doctor: Yeah, I'm afraid the two of you have pinkeye.
(The mortician and his assistant both gasp in horror.)
Doctor: I'd give you topical medicine, but I don't wanna touch you.
Assistant: Oh, I'm so hungry, and all I can think about eating is...brains!
Doctor: Yeah, well, for God's sake, don't touch your eyes. I'll prescribe some antibiotics.