Jake [referring to his mom and Aunt]: Why are they fighting?
Alan: Oh, they're not fighting, they're discussing.
Jake: I'm a child of divorce, Dad. I know the difference.


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Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 19 Quotes

Judith: Don't you think you've had enough to drink at the magic show, Evelyn?
Evelyn: Excuse me, darling, but some of us deal with our boredom and depression the old-fashioned, non-prescription way

Alan: Judith's sister is hitting on me.
Charlie: She's not hitting on you, she's hitting on her sister's ex-husband.
Alan: But that's me!