You see, I've learned something today, and it took the knowledge...
Chris Stotch: You see, I've learned something today, and it took the knowledge of my young son here for me to realize it. Recently I'd been lying to my wife; I've been going to gay theaters and bath houses and having sex with anonymous men.
Linda: And when I found out about this I went crazy and I drove my son into the lake, I drove my son into the lake to kill him.
Chris: You see, we'd both been lying to all of you. And I know though many of you supported us, some of you also doubted us. You'd look at me and you'd say "Hello" but really you'd be thinking
(camera pan's to Gary Condit)
Liar! You're a liar! You know something you're not telling us you slimy scumbag liar! Or you be talking to my wife but secretly you'd be thinking
(camera pans to OJ)
MURDER! You got away with murder you stinking scumbag liar!
And that's what people would be thinking, or sometimes people would be talking with both of us and they would think
(camera pans to the Ramsey's)
MURDERER'S! You know goddamn well what happened to your kid so stop playing the victim and just confess you lying murdering liars!
(camera pans back to OJ)
(back to Gary Condit) LIAR!
(back to the Ramseys) CONFESS!
(camera pans over all of them) MURDERER, LIAR, CONFESS!
So the people we owe the biggest apology to is OJ, Jon and Pat Ramsey and Senator Gary Condit, because we gave them false hope of catching who ever hurt them this badly, and that's not right. We're sorry. And that's what people would be thinking. So who we really owe the biggest apology for is to OJ, Jon and Pat Ramsey and Senator Gary Condit, because we gave you false hope.
Reporter 1: Mrs. Stotch, what did the kidnapper look like?
Linda: Puerto Rican.
Repoter 2: Was he tall, short?
Linda: He was... average Puerto Rican height.
- Permalink: Mrs. Stotch, what did the kidnapper look like? Puerto Rican. ...
(Chris Stotch is walked in on by Butters while masturbating in a gay bathhouse private room)
Chris: AHH! Butters!
Butters: Hi, Dad!
Chris: Oh, god! Oh, ohhh!
Butters: I'm glad I found you! I think I know the perfect anniversary present for Mom. What are you doing with your wiener out there, Dad?
Chris: Butters, you need to leave here right now! You need to get out of here! Go home and wait for me to talk to you.
Butters: Oh...well, alright then. Well, see you at home!
(Butters closes the door, and heads back home)
Chris: Oh, Jesus no... oh, what have I done?
- Permalink: AHH! Butters! Hi, Dad! Oh, god! Oh, ohhh! I'm glad I found...