Liz' new pal Kenneth catches her on the way into 30 Rock and offers to help carry her inordinate amount of bags from some sort of container store.
As she babbles about the "round plastic thing" she got to hold her shoes "with a compartment to put a picture of what shoe goes in there" on it, she thinks she will finally become a well-adjusted, wonderful person.
And then a guy flies off her bike and lands right on top of her.
Inside her writers' room, things only go from bad to worse as she points out she chipped a tooth, Frank isn't wearing any pants, and Cerie informs her she has jury duty - despite the fact that Liz thought she was registered in another state.
Jenna and Tracy are in trouble for their unprofessional behavior at the St. Patrick's Day parade: she passed out and he cursed.
He decides to sell half his watch in order to pay that fine. Liz, on the other hand, has to find a way to scale back Jenna's involvement in TGS until she has finished her Janis Joplin "inspired by" film in the evenings because right now she is too tired to realize she is using a gluestick instead of chapstick, so she is no good to anyone.
Jack practically begs Liz for a "quiet week" because on Friday the company is going to announce a very big project - the pocket microwave, which even has a "ham button."
Liz suddenly lights up: he used her idea!
While Jenna visits Dr. Spaceman, Liz packs up her Princess Leia costume and some "Playgirls from the '80s" and heads out to the municipal courthouse.
Since Pete is out of the office, she makes it a point that no one is in charge while she is gone; she doesn't want to come back to an even bigger mess.
Just as she is about to get in the elevator, though, Jenna bounds off, explaining she is in a clinical trial for a military grade sleeping pill. Tracy is about to make his appearance on Martha Stewart Live "real raunchy" because he has learned that as long as he pays for it, he can say whatever he wants.
These are not the lessons Liz was hoping they'd learn, but then again, how can she expect more when she's trying to bail on jury duty.
Liz gets picked. Karmas a bitch.
Jack uses the TGS writers to come up with a new name for a pocket microwave - because the first one ("bitenuker") was apparently offensive to the French and the Dutch, though I'm surprised he really cares about them. Josh's only idea is to make tee shirts indicating they are all now part of the microwave division.
Kenneth calls Liz, scared and leaderless, but she has been put on an arson trial that could last a few weeks. She tells him she will come back as soon as she is dismissed for the day and that he has to "try not to let anything else bad happen."
Naturally he takes this to mean he's in charge, which surprisingly doesn't scare him as much as we might think it would, and he promptly sets out to change all of the rules he doesn't like.
Jack tells Liz she is on her own to write the show this week unless she can come up with a "kickass" microwave name right now.
Nancy O'Dell reads a pre-written apology from Tracy Jordan on air, and it seems like all should be smoothed over, but as soon as she says "We'll be right back," the network cuts to a PSA from Tracy himself, declaring he "did not even write that apology."
While listening to the "alleged arsonist," Liz finds herself relating.
The woman talks about how her employees are incompetent, and she's always stressed, and she hates having to pretend to care about, let alone take care of, their problems.
Ironically, their names happen to be Tracy and Jenna, too, so Liz' eyes light up... especially when she gets to the part about the "cleansing" fire and "rising like a Phoenix" from the ashes.
And though Liz has to rush right off to work after the trial lets out, this woman "gets to" have a sandwich in her cell and has doors opened for her by the guards.
Liz arrives back at the studio to find nothing on fire and the show preparing for a seemingly normal sketch (well, for them) about a robot and bear talk show.
Dr. Spaceman runs through, screaming that if Jenna doesn't fall asleep soon she will die, and he bursts onto the stage and begins banging her head against the table.
Liz strikes a match in her office but thinks better of it and shakes it out before tossing it aside. But the match was still lit when she tosses it, and her back wall goes up in flames.
Sufficiently afraid of her now, the entire staff attempts to curb their crazy behavior in their own way: Frank promises to show up on time and wearing pants on Monday, and Jenna suggests they go out and actually talk about Liz for once.
Oh, and Kenneth comes up with a name Jack likes: "The Funcooker."
You know what I like to do for eight hours? The TV Guide crossword.Dr. Leo Spaceman
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Passing out and cursing on St. Patrick's Day. Is nothing sacred anymore?Jack
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