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We're suprised this hasn't happened before, but Quagmire finally learned he was a father when someone dropped off a baby girl on his steps. The girl looks exactly like him and a paternity test reveals it's his. Quagmire tries to raise the baby, which he names Ana Lee, until it interferes with his sex life, so he gives it up for adoption. He soon regrets his choice when everything reminds him of his little girl, even the strip club. Quagmire ends up going with Joe and Peter to see Ana Lee with her new family and sees how happy they are and how they're like a real family. He ends the episode by saying they'll meet up when she's 18. Gross.
Meanwhile, Stewie creates a dumbed down clone of himself, which he names Bitch Stewie. He makes Bitch Stewie run his errands and attend events like birthday parties that he hates. Brian gets jealous and has Stewie make him one that ends up a little too stupid. Eventually the clones just fall apart.
Oh and Peter buys a ham radio from Quagmire's garage sale, which he uses to communicate with the dead and ends up talking with the ghost of Ronald Regan, who turns out to Rich Little doing impressions.