Jersey Shore - TV Fanatic

Jersey Shore Finale: Homeward Bound

ra3480@yahoo.com (Renata Sellitti) — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 00:23:54 EST

They say it ain't over 'til the fat lady sings. Well, that broad has belted her last chorus as far as Florence is concerned. Jersey, you can have your poster kids back now. If you still want them.

Kidding! I actually liked season four's Italian invasion, I thought it was highly entertaining. Unlike the finale, which was just... eh, so so. It wasn't bad, per say, it just didn't bring the antics that the rest of the season did. There were shots and spills taken, but nothing particularly scandalous. Also, this episode should probably have been called "Mike's Repeated Attempts To Make People Notice Him," instead of "Ciao Italia."

Too bad for you, Sitch, while everyone seemed sad to say goodbye to Italy, no one's getting teary eyed over saying farewell to you.

Is it me or did Mike just become more and more of a "weirdo" (to use Snooki-speak) as this season went on? Karate kicks to no one in particular, talking to himself, sitting alone a la scorned third grader - it all smacks of attention seeking. But still, what a strange way to try and get it. Obviously we're going to be subjected to more of him in season five - he'd never actually leave the spotlight - but part of me couldn't help but hope the producers left his ass in Europe. Permanently.

JWOWW had almost no part in this week's episode, which made me sad. Apart from her donating a shredded boob shirt to the pizzeria, the finale was noticeably Jenni deficient. And speaking of the pizzeria's clothing drop...

... I'd like to echo Vinnie's sentiment that having what we can only assume is a Hepatitis-C tainted pair of Deena's underwear (fine, that was mean, maybe just Chlamydia-tainted underwear) dangling above your head as you eat isn't my idea of appetizing restaurant ambiance. I love Deena as much as the rest of them, but she could have kept her drawers and left behind a bra like Snooki did. Especially after talking about having sweaty nether regions in the same episode. Eww. Seriously: EWW.

Also, we finally got to the bottom of the "Why doesn't Sammi smile more?" mystery, when she emerged from the smoosh room with Ronnie after just five minutes. Ron Ron, I know sometimes you've just got to get it in, but have a little pride man - hold out for longer! I suggest that, upon the cast vacating that apartment, the former smoosh palace is cleaned by men in HazMat suits. Who then get examined for infectious diseases. Too drastic?

Snooki and Deena couldn't hide their disgust for Mike, as they both openly rolled their eyes at his apology this week. Totally warranted, if you ask me, nothing he says or does seems genuine anyway. Then they ridiculed a drunk girl at a club, got lost on the way home and created Ferngully on their kitchen table. Sounds about right. Did anyone else find it ironic that they were horrified by seeing some random girl spread eagle at the bar, but have no objection to flashing their own kookas all over Italy? Yeah, me neither.

Finally, we have the educational portion of the finale: the walking tour. How they managed to live in Florence all that time and yet Vinnie still asks directions to the Duomo is beyond me. If you've never been there, it's the enormous, imposing, exceptionally famous structure right in the middle of the city. Kind of hard to miss, or at least to be able to walk in the general direction of - yikes.

Snooki learned that "the babies with wings" were "real." Deena gave her version of art appreciation when she confirmed after looking at a statue of David that she'd hit that, and everyone else just snapped some photos. See? Educational.

I know the housemates were itching to get back to Seaside so that they could go tanning (which, if you watched the reunion afterward, they've more than caught up on), but I enjoyed the change of scenery. Speaking of the reunion for a minute, what was up with JWOWW's face? Lip injections? Something didn't look right. But I digress... It'll be nice to see them fist pumping in a familiar setting again when Jersey Shore resumes. I'll miss their guido drama in the meantime, but I'll leave you with Pauly's parting pizzeria words:

"I'm on break!"

Arrivederci, Shore lovers. See you on season five.

Jersey Shore Review: "Situation Problems"

ra3480@yahoo.com (Renata Sellitti) — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 05:30:39 EST

Snooki and Deena said it best: "We're not hookers, we're Jersey."

I don't even know where one would find that much animal print, but I wonder how many synthetic leopards had to die just so Team Meatball could look that ridiculous?

Maybe that's why Pauly wasn't interested in "doing sex" with Deena, because her outfit was so over the top. Or, maybe it's because Vinnie is a better spooning partner. Either way, watching Pauly reject Deena's advances was bordering on awkward after a while. Damn, girl, don't you know when to walk away?

Deena managed to redeem herself when she locked Mike in the bathroom, though. Now that's a situation.

Speaking of the other Situation, I think I speak for Mike when I say, "It's hard out there for a pimp." Everyone was hating on him this week (well, more than usual) and I almost started to feel badly for him. Then I remembered that he brings 99% of it on himself. Also, how many fights can the housemates get into in a club? From Mike vs. the bar patrons, to Snooki and Deena vs. the bartenders, shiz was out of control. I did laugh, though, when security carried the girls out legs swinging and fur boots flying in the air. You show 'em, ladies.

If you can even call them that.

By far the best thing about "Situation Problems" was Snooki and Deena's post-fight encore of hot tub, hooker outfits, falling asleep during breakfast on a cafe table. Priceless. Pauly just about summed it up when he asked, "What do they put in the alcohol in this country?" I'd like to know, too, Pauly. I think we all would.

It was nice to see Sammi and Ronnie getting along (for the most part) again and keeping the streak alive. It was also nice to see Jenni and Sammi getting along. I'm not sure if Jionni and Snooki will be getting along much longer, but the house's shared disdain for Mike may just be the thing to cause the most guido unity.

I will say that the toothbrush scene all but made me gag out loud. Watching Mike use that hair trimmer-tainted thing to brush his teeth nearly made me scream out "Oh dear God no!" at my television. I'm still skeeved out - and I want to go gargle with mouthwash immediately. Nice work, boys.

I don't think this was the best episode of Jersey Shore so far, but it wasn't terrible, either. It had all the makings of a good episode - falling down, bad outfits, fist pumping - but somehow it just seemed to stay at a steady level of "pretty good" the whole time. I think their time in Florence has been entertaining, but I'll be happy when they eventually return to their rightful stomping ground in Jersey. Until then, keep it right here for next week's conclusion to see what kind of a send off they leave for ol' Firenze.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go brush my teeth.

Jersey Shore Review: "Damage Is Done"

ra3480@yahoo.com (Renata Sellitti) — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 07:15:02 EST

Um, Mike? Do you know the definition of the word "joke?" It's meant to be something funny, not whatever you tried to pull this week on Jersey Shore.

Argh, I don't know who was more annoying here: Mike for being a scheming moron? Or Snooki for playing the "it's never my fault" game? Sorry, Snooks, I'd say you lose this round.

In "Damage Is Done," the Jersey Shore cast shows us a wee bit of why they deserve to be paid so much per episode - because they're surrounded by CRAZY at all times and forced to tolerate each other. I'm beginning to think Mike isn't nuts, he's just plain stupid, because his "who's the rat?" plan was riddled with flaws. For a group of people who should be familiar with mob movie tactics (I'm full-blooded Italian, so I can say these things), Mike certainly didn't execute his strategy very well.

Psst, Sitch? You need to tell people different versions of the story to see which one gets back to Snooki, not the same story. It's a wonder he can comb his 1992-style hair and get dressed in the morning. And don't even get me started on having a friend named "Unit." Sigh...

While I usually find Snooki immensely entertaining, she was a bit over the top this week. First of all, hurling everything in sight and only hitting Mike one out of every 10 tries is pathetic. Not that I'd expect her to have a good arm (or much reach, she's like 4'11") but I've seen Little League pitchers with better aim. Secondly, she was repeating everything she said like a broken record and was beginning to sound like a small, brown Rain Man.

Aside from the Mike-told-Unit-to-call-Jionni drama (Oh, no, he di-in't!) there was the whole "Italy, we're really sorry" thing again when the girls showed every Tuscan winery employee where the phrase "ugly American" came from. Yikes. As for the boys' Sicilian visit to Vinny's family, they showed American viewers why Italians only know one setting: excess. Too much food, too many people talking... what can I say? We don't do moderation well.

Finally, I don't want to pontificate on the Snooki "Get your sh-t together" thing for too long, I'll just say this: The truth hurts. Especially if you've spent your whole life being surrounded by people who coddle you and are only there to make you feel better. Friends tell us what we don't always want to hear, and parents are supposed to teach us to take responsibility for our actions. Snooki's dad? Thumbs down. JWOWW? Two thumbs up (even if she gets yelled at for giving it straight). Jionni? Needs to hit the bricks.

That whole relationship is predicated on lies, and if you really love someone you don't play the "I was too drunk to know what I was doing" card and and jump from bed to bed. It's as simple as that. Okay, I'll get down off my soap box now, promise.

In summary, things that were awesome this week: Pauly's commentary of the Snooki vs. Mike heavyweight bout (The Matrix reference = priceless) and Snooki's excitement at her first nun spotting (Really? Aren't there nuns in New Jersey?).

Things that confounded: Ronnie and Sammi still not fighting? This must be a record of some sort (actually, I'm kind of proud of them, I can't lie). Also, Snooki's dad being a total enabler when he told her about Jionni changing his Facebook status to "single" (DOUBLE Oh no he di-in't!) and assured her that it wasn't her fault. Cough *bullsh-t* cough. PS, nothing is real or official until it shows up on our Facebook profile, duh. Everyone knows that.

As for the action next week, it's anybody's guess. Keep it right here for more Jersey commentary, and as always Shore fans, keep it classy.

Jersey Shore Review: "Three Men and a Snooki"

ra3480@yahoo.com (Renata Sellitti) — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 02:44:50 EST

Hey Snooki, what's it like on the planet where you live?

Sigh. Poor Snooks. Can't a girl flash her kooka at a club without having an international incident anymore? No? OK fine. Well, at least she still has Jenni to make her feel better. And Vinnie and his, ahem, equipment. If it wasn't so un-ladylike, I'd make reference to her nickname for Vinnie here (cough *Seabiscuit* cough). Hey, her words, not mine. Guess we all know what he's hung like now...

In the masterpiece of dialogue known as "Three Men and a Snooki," quotable lines abound. My personal favorite is when Jionni tells Snooki "What do you mean you're not being yourself? You get drunk seven days a week, hook up with girls, and you flash your underwear, I thought that was who you are?" Ouch, man. Just...ouch. He accompanies this zinger by telling her she was dancing inappropriately in the club "like a pig." And he wonders why she hung up the phone in disgust? I guess everyone has a breaking point, and that includes Snooki.

Even with the knowledge that they're presently still together, I can't help but feel like that relationship is bad for both parties. I know you can't help who you love, but JWOWW nailed it when she said that Snooki isn't herself with Jionni, and that he wants to change who she is as a person. Not to mention the fact that Jionni needs to work on his geography skills. He said he "flew all the way across the country" to see Snooki but Psst, Jionni? You actually flew across several countries. And an ocean. OK, just needed to clear that up.

Somewhere out there exists a pint-sized guido who's proud to have his woman show her junk to the world and dress sexy for him, I just know it. Keep holding out hope for that, Snooki. And in the meantime, good thing you have Vinnie's bed to keep you warm.

Another priceless moment was when JWOWW kept telling Snooki she was being a "Sam" and Sammi interjected that she'd prefer if Jenni tell her she's being "the old Sam" because Sam2.0 is so much more mature and handles her relationships better. Actually, Ronnie and Sammi do seem to be more stable these days, and I give Sammi credit for making fun of herself. Then Sammi told Snooki it was OK that she looked like hell, because she obviously felt like it, too. Nice recovery, Sam. It's alright, we were totally all thinking that as well.

Then, Mike tries to claim some extra screen time by attempting to convince Snooki that he's in love with her and would treat her better than Jionni. Nice try, dude, but Snooki made it clear that she doesn't want to have your Situation babies. And speaking of babies...

I think the entire world let out a collective sigh of relief when we found out Deena was not going to be bringing a second generation of Jersey Shore into the world. Yet. Hey, I love their antics as much as the next person, I just don't think they necessarily scream out "parenting material" at this stage of the game.

One has to wonder, however, why Deena seemed more concerned about shaming her parents than about possibly drowning her (imaginary) baby in booze and cigarettes when she did suspect she might be preggers? Deena, you do know babies don't like nicotine and Jagermeister, right?

Luckily JWOWW had her head on straight to consider such matters, and by the end of the episode Deena's lasting legacy was being the girl with the entire apartment piled onto her bed (and for being trapped under the sofa), rather than the girl with the ill thought-out pregnancy scare.

Finally, I'd like to thank Pauly for bringing a little bit of Seaside to Florence when he set up his DJ equipment and turned their house into Karma-Across-The-Ocean. Is there no end to how amusing and likeable that kid is? If I could be guido friends with anyone in that house, Pauly would win hands down. Or rather, abs down. I normally don't care for men with blowouts but I challenge anyone to withstand his prankster charm. The "D" in his name may seem like it's for "DelVecchio," but I like to think it stands for "Dope" (in a good way, obvi). Either that or "Don't touch my hair," which is also highly probable.

Anyway next week we witness the fallout from Snooki's adventures between Vinnie's sheets, and I for one can't wait. Keep it right here for more Lifestyles of the Rich and Fist Pumping, Shore-heads. And until then, try to behave yourselves.

Jersey Shore Review: The Ballad of Snooki and Jionni

ra3480@yahoo.com (Renata Sellitti) — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 03:28:35 EST

It's not a good week to be Snooki.

Some may argue it's never a good time, and they might be right, but homegirl had an especially volatile few days, what with smashing cars and crashing relationships. Not that anyone with two eyes and a pulse couldn't see impending doom coming from ten miles away for Jionni's visit, but if your girlfriend acts like she's on spring break on a regular basis, how did you expect her to behave when let loose internationally man? Some people never learn...

But if we're going chronologically here on "Where Is My Boyfriend?," let's begin with the car crash heard 'round the world. Or at least 'round Florence.

I, for one, am shocked that Snooki smashed the Fiat. I thought if anyone was a pro at handling a stick, it'd be her. (Zing! It's too easy, folks). The tabloids made a bigger deal of it here than it actually appeared to be, but at least the Team Meatball jail break made for entertaining television for about five minutes . Now that the streets of Firenze are safe from Nicole "Someone give me a driving lesson" Polizzi, let's deal with her man and his overly-bronzed junk. PS, Snooki, that's what the rest of us would call an "overshare."

Watching Snooki zip around the apartment like a small, brown pinball trying on outfits was hysterical. I didn't realize she could move that fast! When she finally decided which postage stamp-sized article of clothing to (almost) cover her kooka with, she ran to the door and threw herself into her mans' arms. Awww, ain't love grand?

Apparently not if you're Jionni.

He may have a point that his lady needs to stop acting like Single Snooki and start acting like Boyfriend Snooki - which sounds like an action figure - but he doesn't have much of a leg to stand on when you consider that she spends most of her time flashing her lady parts and rave dancing in public, which wasn't a secret when they started dating.

Packing his suitcase was a punk move, or maybe he was just frightened by her makeup-streaked face running through the streets looking for him. Was anyone else wondering what the heck happened to her dome or was it just me? Besides, as it was pointed out, she did pick you up at the Jersey Shore, man.

Wisdom according to Ron Ron, who knew?

I felt genuinely sorry for JWOWW when Roger bailed on his visit. I hope the actual conversation that took place was a lot more heartfelt and supportive than what they showed, because all I heard was Roger sounding as apologetic as if he'd just told her he forgot to pick up milk on the way home. She was crying, dude, show her that you were equally disappointed!

And speaking of disappointed, I hope Ron and Sam take Snooki and Jionni's very unflattering portrait of relationship-dramz-gone-wrong to heart and think about it next time they want to stage an episode of "Days of our Guido Lives" in the middle of the apartment. Not so fun being a captive audience now is it?

Nothing much else really went down with the rest of the cast this week, unless you count Mike acting like a whiny b*tch (per usual) and trying to be the center of every episode's attention. Can someone push his sunglasses up his nose please? Drives. Me. Crazy. Well, that and the fact that he wears them at night indoors, but that's probably only so he obscures his view of the dirty skanks in his bed. If I was that stalker twin, I'd seriously consider moving to another country, like Guam. And changing my name.

That pretty much does it for the Garden State all-stars this week. Stay tuned for tales of Snooki in Vinnie's bed next week, otherwise known as the fastest rebound on planet earth. Until then, keep it classy Shore-lovers, or at least pretend.

Jersey Shore Review: Team Meatball!

ra3480@yahoo.com (Renata Sellitti) — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 08:09:33 EST

I think I speak for everyone when I say: "Italy, I'm so, so sorry."

Sweet mother of indecent behavior, Deena and Snooki should not be allowed out together ever again. First, they "make out" (read: try to swallow each other whole) in front of a bar full of horrified onlookers. Then, they slam into the back of an Italian police car and get hauled off to jail. Como si dice en Italiano "hot mess"????

In all honesty, Snooki and Deena may have been on their worst behavior this week in "Meatball Mashup," but this was also one of the best episodes of Jersey Shore ever. Ev-er. I am so on Team Meatball - or was it Team Kooka? - that I could never really be mad at them.

I can, however, be nauseated by how many times they had to blur out Deena's crotch. And Snooki's. They might also consider blurring out overly aggressive tongue action, too, but then everyone on the show would spend entire episodes buried in pixelation.

Les-bi-honest here guys, PDA action is gross. Not same sex PDA - all PDA - and nobody really wants to have those images burned into their minds. I feel so badly for JWOWW and Sammi. You cannot un-see stuff like that, after all. While the girls were clearly not amused by Team Meatball's scandalous behavior, the boys at least were on point and had puns at the ready. "I need a food," slurs a still drunk and disheveled Deena. "I thought you ate enough last night," fires back Vinnie. Burn! Vinnie, if I were there, I'd give you a high five too, well played.

I'm not sure what team Deena is ultimately on, and it really doesn't matter, she's hysterical no matter who she bats for - but she should probably figure that out soon. She said she was done with the bi-curious thing after pulling a twin robbery on Vinnie a few weeks ago, but it looks like she was wrong. Either way, she's clearly pro-kooka (my bad, "vagine") and anti getting regular bikini waxes. Remedy that, girl, that ain't cute in any language.

Things that were amazing this week: watching them pack 15 suitcases onto the top of two teeny tiny cars ("how many guidos does it take to load a car?" apparently not enough, Jenni). What the Fiat?! Also, seeing Snooki swan dive into shrubbery. Come to think of it, she had close encounters with a lot of bushes while in Riccione...

Things that were not: Starts with "Ji-" and ends with "-onni." Just saying. Snooki, god love her, is the funniest one on that show - other than Pauly D - and she needs to be with someone who appreciates her Snooki-ness and likes her because of it, not despite it. Listening to her get reprimanded every week on the phone by Jionni is depressing, and even more annoying than watching Mike pretend to be sensitive. PS, Mike's Italian doppelganger "La Situatione" should really come back to the states. I bet that kid has no idea how many girls he could slay here. Next week's Jionni visit should be one for the history books, I just hope Snooki doesn't get deported first.

Lastly, we learned two things this week. First: they should just stop pretending these kids work and spare all of their employers having to put out a search party for them and play recycle bin hide and seek. Does anyone really care if they have a job anyway? Secondly, get out your pencils boys and girls and add another term to the dictionary - "swacking." Pretty much anything that comes out of Pauly's mouth is television gold, but I happen to agree with him on this one. Jacking someone's swagger is not cool, not cool at all. We're looking at you here, Ronnie.

Next week's tease seems to promise not to disappoint, and I hope that's true. Getting thrown into Italian jail for sucking at driving will be the least of Snooki's worries, it's dealing with Jionni's uptight ways that'll really be tricky. Snooks is looking hot these days, I'm sure she could find another meatball closer to home. Will her pint-sized man flee the country in disgust? Will Ronnie and Sammi realize that they're relationship napalm? Or will JWOWW haul off and kick all of their asses? It's anybody's guess. Either way, let's all meet back here next week, and in the meantime, "Go Team Kooka!"

Jersey Shore: FPC, Tears and Life Lessons

steve@iscribelimited.com (Steve Marsi) — Fri, 09 Sep 2011 06:21:43 EST

Drama, fights, sex, one-liners, sentimental moments, hilarious comedy.

Somehow, Jersey Shore blends together this combination more than most scripted shows on TV. Love them or hate them, the MTV stars are who they are, and they bring it every week like no one else can.

Last night's episode offered new developments and quotes to discuss, as there is never a dull moment on the show, which somehow manages to remain genuine (for better or worse) even in its fourth season.

Follow the link for The Hollywood Gossip's complete Jersey Shore recap!

Jersey Shore: The Fight That The Wall Won

steve@iscribelimited.com (Steve Marsi) — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 06:42:01 EST

The Situation's head is no match for a wall. Picking up where Thursday's fight left off, last night's special Sunday episode of Jersey Shore taught us that if nothing else.

After the tension between two Jersey Shore cast members boiled over to the point of no return, the culmination of the Ronnie-Mike fight and its aftermath unraveled.

It certainly provided us many developments and quotes to talk about, and there is never a dull moment on the show. Still, somehow we expected a little bit more.

Follow the link for THG's complete Jersey Shore recap!

Jersey Shore: The Rage Returns, Boils Over

steve@iscribelimited.com (Steve Marsi) — Fri, 26 Aug 2011 07:15:01 EST

The Jersey Shore cast is always a bunch that knows how to drink, hook up and exchange some heated words. At the end of the day, though, they remain a family.

Not this week.

Tension between two Jersey Shore cast members boiled over to the point of no return last night. A fight erupted as the culmination of a feud building for some time.

At issue, of course, was Ron and Sam's relationship, and The Situation's involvement therein. It certainly provided us many developments and quotes to talk about.

Follow the link for THG's complete Jersey Shore recap!

Jersey Shore: Hands Up, This is a Robbery

steve@iscribelimited.com (Steve Marsi) — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 06:35:24 EST

The Jersey Shore cast is always a bunch that knows how to get itself into serious situations (no pun intended, seriously). But with twins in the mix, it's double trouble.

Bi-curious Deena pulled the robbery on both The Situation AND Vinny, last night, while Snooki called The Situation a liar for saying they hooked up over the spring.

All of that, combined with Ron and Sam getting back together and the typical shenanigans, meant there were plenty of new developments and quotes to talk about.

Follow the link for THG's complete Jersey Shore recap!