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Cartman tries to discover who is father is and learns he was conceived at the 12th Annual Drunken Barn Dance; Meanwhile, Kyle and Stan enter a videotape of Cartman having a tea party with stuffed animals to America's Stupidest Home Videos.
Mr. Garrison takes the students on an archaeological dig and Cartman find s a mysterious triangle that lands him on TV. Soon Barbra Streisand comes to claim the triangle and only Robert Smith of the Cure can help.
Mr. Garrison gets a nose job and soon discovers he can have his dream career: sleeping with hot chicks; Ms. Ellen substitutes for him and all the boys crush on her.
A new student, Damien, comes to South Park elementary and reveals he is the son of Satan and has come to find Jesus to arrange a boxing match with his father.
Kyle's mother complains that the school's Christmas play favors Christianity and is not catering to other religions; Kyle is visited by Mr. Hankey, the Christmas poo.
After seeing a Sally Struthers commercial, the boys adopt an Ehthiopian in order to get a free sports watch. Instead of the watch, the boys end up getting the Ehthiopian instead.
When Kenny is killed by the Mir space station he becomes a zombie. As he begins to infect the town, everyone thinks they have Pinkeye.
Stan's grandfather tries to convince Stan to help him commit suicide; Kyle's mother, Sheila Broflovski calls for a boycott of the boys' favorite show, Terrance and Phillip.
Kyle tries to crossbreed his pet elephant with Cartman's pot-bellied pig; Shelly picks on Stan; Mephisto makes a clone of Stan for his son's science project.
Stan gets a new dog, Sparky, who he discovers to be gay. Sparky, hurt by Stan, runs off and meets Big Gay Al.
Uncle Jimbo and Ned take the boys on a hunting trip in the mountains. Meanwhile, back in town Randy Marsh discovers the mountain is an active volcano about to erupt.
When a big event is coming with Kathie Lee Gifford, contest winner Eric Cartman is told to get in shape by the mayor, prompting him to use Weight Gain 4000. Meanwhile, Mr. Garrison plots to kill Kathie Lee.
Cartman dreams that aliens abduct him and give him an anal probe. However, after Ike gets abducted and a giant satellite dish comes out of Cartman's butt, he slowly starts to believe.