Bertha: Come on here, zippy!
Alan [to Naomi]: Zippy is a name she calls me because I'm... quick! [to Berta]: What?!
Bertha: What do you think you are doing? I'm trying to teach that girl responsibility! I want her to make some money from a dignified job.
Alan: Oh, please, what dignity can a woman have from making laundry and cleaning toilets? ...I...I...I'll tell you what dignity! One really good one, the best there is. I take my hat off, and goodnight
Alan: When Judith was pregnant with Jake, I don't know if it was hormones or pheromones, but she just couldn't get enough of me. And ever since then, every time I see a pregnant woman I just... [lustful moan]
Charlie: Okay, seriously, you got to stop that.
Alan: I am telling you, it was nine months of the hottest sex we've ever had, even with the morning sickness and hemorrhoids.
Charlie: Oh. Maybe that explains Jake's grades.
Alan: The morning sickness and hemorrhoids?
Charlie: No, the repeated blows to his unformed head
