Two and a Half Men - TV Fanatic

Two and a Half Men Review: "I Found Your Moustache"

eric@iscribelimited.com (The Barnacle) — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 09:24:33 EST

Okay, so maybe we lied a little last week in our Two and a Half Men review. It turns out Chelsea is definitely still not gone and managed to appear again this week.

This time around, Charlie and Alan ran into Chelsea as she was on a date with Brad. Luckily that awkwardness soon turned into a nice one night stand with Charlie and some amazingly hilarious lines by Jake.

We need more of this awkward teenager around. Somehow Jake and Berta only had a combined couple minutes of screen time, yet brought some of the best Two and a Half Men quotes of the episode.

Speaking of screen time, Chelsea's father and his Navy lover continue to take up plenty of time beating the one-note dead horse of gay jokes. We get it. It's a funny set up. Two manly Navy guys who turn out be queens.

However, three episodes deep, the bit is no longer funny. At least their advice to Charlie is kind of cute, but we could easily ditch these scenes and be just fine. Bring back the always amazing Jane Lynch as Charlie's therapist to dish advice, or even Evelyn over these scenes.

Okay, that's enough complaining because the episode certainly brought plenty of laughs. Plus with a name like "I Found Your Moustache," you better believe Charlie's fake moustache turned up in the best of places.

You can read our favorite jokes after the jump.

Charlie: I'm gonna hate this movie.
Alan: How do you know?
Charlie: Because it has subtitles. The only good subtitles are for Nazis, drug lords and space aliens. Oh and kung fu. | permalink

Charlie: I can't believe she's already dating.
Alan: You're kidding right? The day after she moved out you ran off to Vegas to marry a stripper.
Charlie: We grieve in different ways. Besides, the stripper was already married so no harm, no foul. | permalink

Alan: Don't insult the green lifestyle. I work very hard to reduce my carbon footprint.
Charlie: You're a mooch and a miser, don't try and make it sound hip. | permalink

Jake: What's the deal are, they back together or was that just a booty call?
Alan: What do you know about booty calls?
Jake: In theory? Everything. | permalink

Two and a Half Men Review: "Tinkle Like a Princess"

eric@iscribelimited.com (The Barnacle) — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 10:57:58 EST

She's gone! She's really gone! After spending an entire season whining that we couldn't wait for Two and a Half Men to get rid of Chelsea, she finally packed her things and left last night.

While we have nothing against Jennifer Bini Taylor, her character simply made Men less funny than it was in previous seasons. Now if Sheen can get out of rehab and stay out of their long enough, we're excited to see one of our favorite sitcoms return to its former glory.

As for last night's episode, "Tinkle Like a Princess," it certainly had its funny moments. Our favorite scene was probably Alan and Berta arguing over who should rescue a drowning Charlie.

Unfortunately, the biggest problem was most of the humor came from the surround cast, while Charlie played an uncharacteristic douche. While with Chelsea, Charlie never seem that infatuated (except for maybe her breasts), but now that she's gone, he's acting like more of a cry baby (hey, Jake's words, not ours) than any man should, let alone Charlie Harper.

We're hopign there's no more scenes of Charlie attempting to win back Chelsea and we can go back to funny Harper family antics. We'll leave you with some funny Two and a Half Men quotes from this mediocre episode after the jump.

Berta: Damnit Charlie, get out of that water!
Alan: We need to go after him.
Berta: Don't look at me! I just ate, I gotta wait a half an hour.
Alan: Well I just took a shower and washed my hair, this is leave in conditioner.
Berta: What about Jake?
Alan: Jake's at this mother's.
Berta: Maybe we should give him a call.
Alan: There's no time!
Charlie [comes back soaking]: Water's really cold.
Alan: Just so you know we were about to come get you. | permalink

Charlie: I can't go in there, it reminds me too much of Chelsea.
Alan: The bathroom?
Charlie: It's where she used to brush her hair, floos her, and tinkle like a princess.
Alan: Okay, where have you been tinkling?
Charlie: I need a new ficus. | permalink

Charlie: If I can't haive chelsea, I don't want to live.
Alan: Where are you going?
Charlie: Strip club.
Alan: Ah yes, death by lap dance. | permalink

Courtney Thorne-Smith to Recur on Two and a Half Men

matt@iscribelimited.com (M.L. House) — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 08:11:06 EST

Courtney Thorne-Smith has a nose for atrociously unfunny sitcoms that somehow remain on the air for years and years.

The former According to Jim star has signed on for a recurring role on Two and a Half Men. She'll portray a new girlfriend for the perpetually unlucky Alan.

Thorne-Smith's character, Lindsay, is a recent divorcee and with a teenage son. No word yet on when she'll debut on the sitcom.

The actress got her big break on the original Melrose Place and also played a key role on Ally McBeal.

Two and a Half Men Review: "Aye, Aye Captain"

eric@iscribelimited.com (The Barnacle) — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 10:12:35 EST

We're going to start off this review of Two and a Half Men by stating we're unbelivably thrilled that it looks like the demise of the Charlie and Chelsea relationship. While we're not expecting Charlie to remain single forever and the show to keep the same formula, he needs to be with someone that keeps the show entertaining. Rose, anyone?

That said, the ending of Charlie's painful relationship still didn't make "Aye, Aye Captain" one of the strongest of the season. Sure the episode had Berta, Jake and Evelyn all hopping in with great jokes to support Charlie and Alan, but the episode was still much too serious and relationshipy.

We have gone seven season without seeing Charlie Sheen's terrible attempt at acting while crying and we could have gone seven more (if Sheen's felony charges don't stop that). We'll be a little forgiving because, as we started off this review, the relationship ended and our showcan hopefully return to its working formula.

Now for some great Two and a Half Men quotes from an episode that included Charlie vomitting on a baby... as a major plot advancing tool:

Alan: Well done. You sublimated your anger and came from a place of love. You took the high road.
Charlie: Really, is that what you call it? Cause I call it a complete and total betrayal of my testicles.
Alan: If you've done it as much as I have, you'd call it the high road. | permalink

Charlie: I'd never cone on to another guy's fiancee.
Alan: First of all, we don't know he was coming on to Chelsea and secondly I've seen you hit on a bride as she walked down the aisle.
Charlie: It was a joke. I asked her what she was doing later, everyone laughed. | permalink

Alan: What's the forecast?
Charlie: High tonight, low tomorrow, 100% chance of hangover. | permalink

Lady: Oh my god, you threw up on my baby!
Charlie: To be fair, I don't think the carrots were mine. | permalink

Evelyn: I just have one question, did you really vomit on the baby?
Charlie: Yeah.
Evelyn: Don't beat yourself too much, we've all done that
Charlie: You're kidding?
Evelyn: Of course most of us do it on our own babies. | permalink

Two and a Half Men Review: "Crude and Uncalled For"

eric@iscribelimited.com (The Barnacle) — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 10:52:30 EST

It's definitely rare for the syndication-friendly Two and a Half Men to feature a "to be continued..." ending, but apparently last night's episode, "Crude and Uncalled For" had just too much story to pack in there.

Last night, Alan's Internet date landed him in jail (really, whose hasn't?), and Charlie's fiancee seemed to be crushing hardcore on Alan's lawyer, Brad (Steven Eckholdt). That takes us somewhere about ten minutes into the episode.

From there, the episode became about Alan convincing Charlie he should be jealous and never have let Chelsea go to Brad's charity event by herself. Rather than simply arriving, we spent the rest of the time with the boys as they dragged Jake along and failed to follow their GPS to the ranch. Instead, they get lost and Jake does a horrible mountain lion impression.

Our biggest complaint with the episode isn't the jokes, because they were there, despite there being no appearance by our favorite cast member, Berta. Our biggest complaint was that the episode couldn't resolve itself in a neat half hour package, while wasting time on pointless scenes.

Two and a Half Men is a sitcom and there's really no reason to drag this out into two episodes unless there's actually going to be major plot development. We're crossing our fingers that Chelsea did in fact cheat on Charlie and we can return to the old formula that made this show work so well. Otherwise, shame on you writers for messing with us.

With that in mind, we're giving the episode a boost to our rating, hoping this means to downfall of a lame couple. Now on to our favorite Two and a Half Men quotes after the jump.

Alan: Ten hours! Ten hours I sat in that urine-soaked jail cell.
Charlie: You shouldn't have peed yourself. | permalink

Evelyn: Nobody wants to go to jail sweetie, but let's face it, if all we're talking about is sixty days alone in a room with no friends, how's that different from two months squatting in your brother's house? | permalink

Alan: That guy is everything you're not.
Charlie: What's that mean?
Alan: He likes people, he loves his mother, works with children, and he doesn't tumble through life stinking of whsikey and KY jelly.
Charlie: Hey, KY jelly is odorless.
Alan: Not where you put it. | permalink

Charlie: If Chelsea were your fiancee, you'd have bigger problems.
Alan: Like what?
Charlie: Being the last man on Earth. | permalink

Two and a Half Men Review: "Yay, No Polyps!"

eric@iscribelimited.com (The Barnacle) — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 10:39:11 EST

We hate to say it, but this week's episode of Two and a Half Men may have been too cheesy and generic-sitcom for even our favorite generic sitcom.

The episode, "Yay, No Polyps!" started off just fine with Charlie making up an excuse of getting a colonoscopy to avoid visiting Chelsea's parents. We especially liked the fun twist of Chelsea knowing Charlie was lying and flying her parents in to torture her fiance.

Our issue with the episode actually started when Chelsea's parents, Tom (Stacy Keach) and Martha came to visit. While they were initially presented as good old fashioned bigots, Tom's obsession with homosexuals made it obvious that something was coming of it.

In taking the homophoebic plotline a little too far, Tom quickly outed himself at the bar and decided to leave his wife for his old Navy buddy. Really? We get that the guy already packed knowing he was planning to sneak away to visit his old Navy buddy and this wasn't exactly 100% spur-of-the-moment, but it definitely felt too forced, cheesy, and ultimately unfunny to us,

The only saving grace was for Charlie, who ended up getting away with his lie. Overall, it was a very mediocre outing for this otherwise consistently funny show. Now for our favorite Two and a Half Men quotes from the first half of the episode before it took a turn for the worse:

Alan: Okay let me see if I got this straight: in order to not spend time with your fiance's parents, you're going to let a doctor snake a camera up your kiester?
Charlie: I'd be willing to let them shoot an IMAX feature. | permalink

Charlie: I'm out of baby wipes.
Chelsea: I bought you two boxes of baby wipes.
Charlie: What can I tell you, babies don't crap like this. At least not healthy babies. | permalink

Chelsea [after colonoscopy]: How you feeling?
Charlie: Like a new fish at Leavenworth.
Chelsea: Don't be so dramatic. Good news is you have a clean bill of health.
Charlie: Yes, but I lost my water tight seal.
Chelsea: Yes, but you have peace of mind.
Charlie: Yes, but now I can't wear white at our wedding. | permalink

Tom: Hey Charlie, when we drove in I noticed a tavern down the road. What do you say we go have a drink and get to know each other a little better?
Charlie: Sure, I guess, but if you're on the fence about me right now, I don't think alcohol is going to improve my chances. | permalink

Two and a Half Men Review: "Fat Jokes, Pie, & Celeste"

eric@iscribelimited.com (The Barnacle) — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 11:33:36 EST

Last night was the first new episode of Two and a Half Men since Charlie Sheen was arrested for assault and we're curious to see how the episode fares in the ratings. As fans of the show, we were unphased and Charlie was still Charlie to us. We're just curious how the American population feels.

Well, the's enough celebrity gossip talk for us. On to our actual review of the epiosde, "Fat Jokes, Pie, & Celeste." The episode started off perfectly... by shipping Chelsea off. I think every episode this season should just start following that formula if they insist on keeping her around.

Normally, Jake is shoved off to the side and is just the butt of the jokes. However, this week, Jake almost like one of the guys, dishing back at Charlie as much, if not more than he was taking. We're easily up to Two and Three-Quarters Men at this point. We actually really enjoyed the storyline as Jake mourned the end of his relationship.

Meanwhile, Alan and Herb (Ryan Stiles) really shined as these star-crossed lovers were kept separated by Judith. These two goofy actors were able to perfectly walk the line between friendshpip and lovers without making things too awkward and keeping it funny.

Overall, this was a great installment in the season and we hope to see plenty more Chelsea-less editions in the future. Now for our favorite Two and a Half Men quotes by Charlie, Alan and Jake:

Alan: This might have been the worst date of my life.
Charlie: Did she dress you in a leather bustier and tie you to a bed?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Did she super glue a model car to your balls?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Did she talk you into trying on one of mom's dresses while she stole your wallet?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Then this wasn't even your worst date this month.
Alan: No, I suppose. And thanks for the highlight reel, by the way. | permalink

Charlie: Girls don't generally respond to desperation.
Jake: How do you know?
Charlie: Are you kidding? I've been watching your father get shot down for twenty five years. It's like living with an air force training film. | permalink

Jake: I think she was the one.
Charlie: The one what?
Jake: The one that I thought was pretty and liked me and was gonna maybe let me do stuff to her one day. | permalink

Charlie: Look at the bright side, you got a great song out of it. Twelve more girls piss on you and you got an album, or a fetish. | permalink

Best of Two and a Half Men Season Five Quotes

eric@iscribelimited.com (The Barnacle) — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 18:31:28 EST

In honor of the release of the Charlie Sheen 911 call, we've put together our favorite quotes from the shortened fifth season of Two and a Half Men. Too soon?

Although season five only had 19 episodes due to the writer strike, the season still had plenty of memorable moments including the CSI crossover episode, the introduction of Mr. Waffles, and the gorgeous Jenny McCarthy guest starring.

You can browse our complete collection of Two and a Half Men season 5 quotes or browse our favorites below:

Charlie: Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underwear?
Berta: Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips and love in my heart.
Charlie: I'm serious. I got a rash in my, you know, private area.
Berta: Private? You get any more traffic down there, you're gonna have to open a Starbucks. | permalink

Alan: Hey, Berta, you're a woman.
Berta: Where are we going with this, Zippy?
Alan: I was just wondering-what does it mean when someone starts crying uncontrollably after sex?
Berta: Well, in my experience, it usually means the conjugal visit's over. | permalink

Charlie: Hey.
Linda: What are you doing here?
Charlie: I came to apologize. I am sorry about last night.
Linda: You're sorry? For ruining one of the most important nights of my career. For embarrassing me within an inch of my life?
Charlie: Well, yeah! Unless I did something else.
Linda: No, you did quite enough, thank you.
Charlie: Look, I understand why you're mad, but it really wasn't my fault. I was nervous about last night, so my mother gave me what I assume was one of her tranquilizers. But now I'm thinking it was a little something she had left over from Woodstock. | permalink

Teddy: Come on, Evelyn, give the kid a break. He was probably out last night sowing some wild oats.
Evelyn: He's 40 years old! He has no more wild oats. Just warmed over Cream of Wheat. | permalink

Teddy: Charlie, I need you to do me a favor.
Charlie: Anything for you, Teddy. Name it.
Teddy: Stay away from Courtney.
Charlie: Name something else. | permalink

Charlie: You're supposed to meet her there.
Alan: Why?
Charlie: What do you mean, "Why?" You're gonna break up with her and then drive her home? You'll need the Jaws of Life to get her out of your car.
Alan: You didn't say anything about that.
Charlie: It's common sense. Do you know why Custer and Sitting Bull didn't share a pony to Little Big Horn? Because they knew there were gonna be hurt feelings, and the ride home would be awkward! | permalink

Charlie: It's your fifth wedding, Mom. What do you need help with, besides remembering the groom's name?
Evelyn: You know, I'd cut him out of the will if I thought there was a chance he'd outlive me. | permalink

Evelyn: We're at the same theater. What a happy coincidence.
Charlie: Yeah, just like Booth and Lincoln. | permalink

Two and a Half Men Review: "Warning, it's Dirty"

eric@iscribelimited.com (The Barnacle) — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 11:34:20 EST

It was Christmas Eve at the Harper household, and in typical Two and a Half Men fashion, we were just waiting for things to fall apart. At the beginning of the episode, things actually seemed like they were going well.

Alan was preparing a nice feast, Evelyn headed over with a prospective client, and Berta was even staying over as a guest. How could it go wrong? That's when Charlie decided to take Jake under his wing and encourage him to cheat on Celeste.

You can find out exactly what happened in our recap of "Warning, it's Dirty." We're just here to give you a review on what we though worked and what didn't:

We love Carl Reiner and appreciate all his meta jokes as Marty Pepper, a fictional television producer, however, he just wasn't given good enough material.
Berta betting her bonus double or nothing, losing, and then Charlie giving her back the money? Very sweet. Her trying again? So Berta, so awesome.
Really when Jake managed to land any girl, why would Charlie encourage Jake to cheat? We though his mission was to get Jake laid. Stick with the sure fire bet, not some strange.
Haha, Alan asking Jake if he could still ask out Celeste's mom. Such a nerdy hornball.
Loved Charlie calling Jake his son due to common law and asking to have another. Maybe Alan's ugly daughter can move in after a few seasons.

Overall we would say it was a decent episode and now for some of our favorite Two and a Half Men quotes after the jump.

Charlie: I think they got the place to themselves, so he might get a little "Peace on Earth" tonight. Alan: How do you make everything sound dirty?
Charlie:: Hey, I took the high road. I could have gone with "Come All Ye Faithful." | permalink

Alan: This may be your house, but this is my son.
Charlie: But you've been living here for seven years, which makes us a common law couple, which makes him our kid. | permalink

Charlie: What's mom doing here?
Alan: Well, it's Christmas Eve, Charlie.
Charlie: I know, why isn't she out stealing toys in Whoville? | permalink

Charlie: Speaking of generosity, check out what I got Chelsea.
Alan: Diamond earrings, nice.
Charlie: Yeah, she dropped a couple hints about stuff she wanted, but I wasn't really listening, so I bought her these. | permalink

Two and a Half Men Preview: "Warning, it's Dirty"

eric@iscribelimited.com (The Barnacle) — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 16:54:28 EST

Christmas is just around the corner and that can only mean one thing... it's time for all the Holiday themed sitcoms! This week we were already treated to a Christmas on Modern Family.

This upcoming Monday we'll be joining the Harper family as they celebrate Christmas in a way only Charlie and Alan can. In traditional Two and a Half Men fashion, lots of odd balls will show up to the festival including a television producer, Marty Pepper played by Carl Reiner, brought to the festivites by Evelyn.

Our favorite member of the Two and a Half Men cast, Berta, will be attending as well, but not as a maid. Berta will sit back and relax with Charlie while poor Alan does all the work.

Meanwhile, Jake's girlfriend, Celeste, will be going out of town for the holidays, and our favorite awkward teenager consults his Uncle Charlie for some advice on infidelity and we're guessing responsible for the episode's title, "Warning, it's Dirty."

Click to enlarge any of the following episode stills.