Archer Quotes from "Archer Vice: House Call"

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Click through the best Archer quotes from this Season 5 episode now. These lines crack us up!

1. I was concerned about you - blow me!

An archer intervention

I was concerned about you - blow me!

I was concerned about you - blow me!

2. Nah, Cheryl's gone. I'm Cherlene now. And if somebody don't fry me 6 goddamn eggs and some...

An archer intervention

Lana: Cheryl?
Cheryl: Nah, Cheryl's gone. I'm Cherlene now. And if somebody don't fry me 6 goddamn eggs and some Carolina fries I would personally be shocked, SHOCKED I tell ya, if by morning this place ain't burned to the ground.

Lana: Cheryl? Cheryl: Nah, Cheryl's gone. I'm Cherlene now. And if somebody don't fry me 6 goddamn eggs and some Carolina fries I would...

3. I'll be watching you like a hawk. That's been bred with an eagle...to produce some kind of...

An archer intervention

I'll be watching you like a hawk. That's been bred with an eagle...to produce some kind of eagle-eyed superhawk...with a badge.

Hawley
I'll be watching you like a hawk. That's been bred with an eagle...to produce some kind of eagle-eyed superhawk...with a badge.

4. I bought a T-Shirt once that said "Female Body Inspector.

An archer intervention

Hawley: What do you people think the letters FBI stands for?
Archer: I bought a T-Shirt once that said "Female Body Inspector.

Hawley: What do you people think the letters FBI stands for? Archer: I bought a T-Shirt once that said "Female Body Inspector.

5. You wouldn't know the truth if it bit you on the ass and held on, would ya!

An archer intervention

You wouldn't know the truth if it bit you on the ass and held on, would ya!

Ron
You wouldn't know the truth if it bit you on the ass and held on, would ya!

6. So if I were you, I'd run out that door while I still had a chance. I'd also waste 5 precious...

An archer intervention

So if I were you, I'd run out that door while I still had a chance. I'd also waste 5 precious minutes of my head start in the race to freedom, giving that swell guy Archer a combination thank-you-goodbye blow job.

So if I were you, I'd run out that door while I still had a chance. I'd also waste 5 precious minutes of my head start in the race to...

7. ...said Ripley to the android Bishop.

An archer intervention

Hawley: Awww screw me!
Archer: ...said Ripley to the android Bishop.

Hawley: Awww screw me! Archer: ...said Ripley to the android Bishop.

8. I am totally digging this whole Queen Kong vibe.

An archer intervention

I am totally digging this whole Queen Kong vibe.

Cheryl
I am totally digging this whole Queen Kong vibe.

9. Because I have sex with actual women, Cyril! My girlfriend's not equal parts the internet, a...

An archer intervention

Cyril: How do you not know the different kinds of porn?
Archer: Because I have sex with actual women, Cyril! My girlfriend's not equal parts the internet, a tube of Kentucky jelly, self-loathing and a sock!

Cyril: How do you not know the different kinds of porn? Archer: Because I have sex with actual women, Cyril! My girlfriend's not equal...

10. God knows he's a little GILF.

An archer intervention

Cyril: You could pose him with Woodhouse
Krieger: God knows he's a little GILF.

Cyril: You could pose him with Woodhouse Krieger: God knows he's a little GILF.

11. He's not a vampire, idiot. Plus it's daytim

An archer intervention

Cyril: He can't come in without a warrant - well, unless you invite him in.
Archer: He's not a vampire, idiot. Plus it's daytim

Cyril: He can't come in without a warrant - well, unless you invite him in. Archer: He's not a vampire, idiot. Plus it's daytim

12. The last thing you need right now is a big, shit-eating "I told you so."

An archer intervention

The last thing you need right now is a big, shit-eating "I told you so."

The last thing you need right now is a big, shit-eating "I told you so."

13. This is only somewhat like that old gypsy woman said!!

An archer intervention

This is only somewhat like that old gypsy woman said!!

Cheryl
This is only somewhat like that old gypsy woman said!!

14. From an overdose of cocaine cake?!

An archer intervention

Malory: Well, she won't go to rehab and you won't let her die with dignity...
Lana: From an overdose of cocaine cake?!

Malory: Well, she won't go to rehab and you won't let her die with dignity... Lana: From an overdose of cocaine cake?!

15. Oh my God, and little kids eat it!?

An archer intervention

Malory: It's good because it's cocaine!
Archer: Oh my God, and little kids eat it!?

Malory: It's good because it's cocaine! Archer: Oh my God, and little kids eat it!?

16. Ron, next time get shot in the head.

An archer intervention

Ron: Next time remind me to get shot in the head!
Archer: Ron, next time get shot in the head.

Ron: Next time remind me to get shot in the head! Archer: Ron, next time get shot in the head.

17. Really - cause you never think of those two as having their shit together.

An archer intervention

Malory: Who uses Metric?
Lana: Every single country on the planet except for us, Liberia and Burma!
Archer: Really - cause you never think of those two as having their shit together.

Malory: Who uses Metric? Lana: Every single country on the planet except for us, Liberia and Burma! Archer: Really - cause you never...

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Archer Quotes

KGB (Crenshaw): This may be old cliche, but... we have ways of making you talk.
Archer: What, your little go-kart battery?
KGB (Crenshaw): Golf cart.
Archer: Whatever. Would you pick an accent and stick with it?

It's like my brain's a tree and you're those little cookie elves.

Archer