Melrose Place
Recaps

When I hired you to give this place a makeover, I didn't mean smear it with lipstick and turn it into a five-dollar hooker.

With those words, followed by the firing of Caleb, Amanda Woodward returned to Melrose Place this week.

To the show's credit, she fit right in, as The CW had clearly been hoping all along that Heather Locklear would be unable to resist the allure of bad dialogue, cleavage-baring dresses and sex-driven intrigue.

As "Caheunga," proved Amanda hasn't lost her ability to manipulate, cajole or look beautiful. But the episode also concluded with a hint that this vixen's life is not nearly as perfect as it seems.

We've updated our Melrose Place music section with singles from this episode.

Not since Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense has a dead person continued to affect so many lives, long after his/her passing. Sydney didn't just leave a mysterious note for Amanda this week, she also drove Auggie to nearly fall off the wagon. Instead, he was stuck with an even worse fate: a sex scene with Ashlee Simpson's Violet.

While we know what the future holds for those two characters, it's uncertain where the show is going with Lauren and David. She truly does seem to bring the romantic side out of this hustler, but can she reveal to him her secret life as a call girl?

Not yet. Good call there, Lauren.

Riley and Jonah continue to bring the show down, however. It doesn't help that their storylines don't always make sense. Wouldn't Riley have signed a contract stating her $10,000 salary prior to her photo shoot? There's no legal way this payment can be withheld because she refused to go along with a lie weeks after the deal.

Also, what happened to Jenna Dewan's Kendra? Didn't Jonah tell Riley he was gonna continue to work with her? She was hot and she offered the possibility of an actual affair, something dirty the show's boring couple needs in order to make us care about them.

Overall, this was a solid showcase for Amanda and we have high hopes for her future on the show. Do you agree? Were you giddy to see TV's biggest bitch back where she belongs?

Check out a few of our favorite Melrose Place quotes from the hour:

Riley: I am burning all of these.
Jonah: Recycle. It's better for the environment. | permalink

Lauren: We can wait until after dinner to have you arrested. | permalink

Riley: The worst thing would be letting your life pass you on and seeing it take your soulmate with you. | permalink

Auggie: I'm not a murderer. I didn't kill Sydney. | permalink

Riley: This whole night is just one big superficial fantasy. | permalink

Heather Locklear arrives on Melrose Place next week, and all we have to say is: Thank goodness!

The show has dragged for weeks now. No storyline stands out, largely due to the fact that Sydney's murder is no longer a mystery, due to the firing of Colin Egglesfield and Ashlee "I Suck!" Simpson.

On last night's installment - titled "Ocean" and recapped in detail on TV Fanatic - David made a move on Lauren and Jonah made amends with Riley.

Before doing so, however, he turned down the advances of Ella, which was dumb for two reasons:

1. Has he looked at Ella Simms?!?
2. This is why we watch Melrose Place: for tawdry sex and immoral actions. Jonah going home to Riley instead of to a hotel with Ella isn't sweet and romantic; it's boring and lame.

At least we got to see the old, manipulative Michael Mancini back in action. That's always a welcome sight.

So is any sort of character development, which we've sort of gotten with David. His crush on Lauren was actually believable; though, again, wouldn't it be more fun to watch her juggle a new boyfriend and a set of sex-crazed clients, as opposed to making the rational decision to rebuke David's advances?

We hope Amanda brings the drama next week. There's little doubt she will.

As always, there were a few choice Melrose Place quotes from the night at least:

Ella: Nothing about you is normal, and everything about Riley is normal. Painfully normal! | permalink

Violet: Either get me a lawyer, or I get you divorced. | permalink

Michael: There's a long list of students that would give their right arm for your spot. Don't blow it. | permalink

Ella: What would a boy do without his balls? | permalink

Paging Heather Locklear: can you get to Melrose Place even earlier than November 17? The show really needs you.

Last night's episode, "Gower," highlighted a few of the show's weaker points and characters. Click on the title of the episode for a recap and read below for our expanded take on the installment...

Just fire them now: Like Grey's Anatomy, Melrose Place now has the problem of real-life events blurring on-camera plot developments. It was difficult enough to take any scene with Colin Egglesfield or Ashlee Simpson seriously before, due to their acting. Now that we know they're leaving the show? Any time spent on Auggie and Violet feels like a waste.

Just break-up already: How long will the show drag out the relationship between Jonah and Riley? The love birds were clearly doomed from the start, but a couple of kisses - followed by guilt-ridden reactions - is not what we signed on for with Melrose Place! Give us sex, give us dark, dirty secrets. Don't give us seemingly realistic problems between two seemingly nice, normal characters.

No more crying for David: Unless writers were hoping viewers would laugh at David's cascade of tears while kneeling over his mother's grave, let's hope Shaun Sipos sticks to brooding in the future.

The bright, hot spot: Katie Cassidy can act. She's believable as Ella, who also happens to be the best character on the show. She's shrewd when she needs to be, but she has a soft spot for her friends when it matters. The discovery of Lauren's big secret was handled well, as is the relationship between these two. Heck, even Stephanie Jacobsen can kind of act.

Did you like the episode? Review a few Melrose Place quotes from it below as you decide...

Riley: I feel like we're on two trains going in totally opposite directions. It's bigger than Auggie or Kendra. | permalink

Lauren: What are you doing?
Ella: I was gonna ask you the same thing, Pretty Woman. | permalink

Ella: No more putting that crap up your nose. Otherwise, your gonna have a powder lunch with River Phoenix. | permalink

Ella: Gossip may be my bread and butter at work. But, off duty, I can actually keep a secret. | permalink

Seven episodes in, we can conclusively say that Melrose Place gets more right than it gets wrong. Unfortunately, what is wrong with the show is often SO UNBELIEVABLY BAD that it's 2-3 eye-rolling moments that end up sticking in your brain each week.

Let's start with the good things about last night:

• Lauren and David. Holy chemistry! He offered to help her with her late tuition and she grew suspicious of where he gets his money, and busted him stealing. This led to a heated exchange that made us long for even more heat between them.
• Riley and Jonah. As Riley left in the morning for her modeling shoot and Jonah for his meeting at Paramount, expectations were high for the couple. They were not met. Watching these two balance their careers and love for each other is compelling.
• Ella. Despite her obvious disdain for Riley and her modeling gig, Ella has her back when Jo Reynolds (Daphne Zuniga) gets on her case. And even that ridiculous hat (below) maybe kinda sorta works because it's Ella. Katie Cassidy rules.

Now, the bad things. Hope you're sitting down...

• The writing staff needs to pick it big time. Master thief David leaves blueprints, photos and black gloves on his table? Jonah is downcast until a hot, geeky assistant rescues his film? Riley is really astonished that she'd have to go topless? Groan.
• Continuity. Last week's ended with a big confrontation with Michael and Violet, but now she's back to normal? The cops were swarming on Sydney's murder, but now they're AWOL? The original Melrose stars seem like stunts, completely out of place.
• Ashlee Simpson-Wentz. This girl provides the worst acting ever seen on TV, and Andrew Shue was on the original Melrose before going on to bigger, better things at Cafe Mom. Unless Violet is really a serial killer, in which case Ash is doing really well!

What else went down? Check out our full recap of "Windsor" and see.

Some of our favorite Melrose Place quotes from last night ...

Auggie: She kissed me, okay? Not the other way around.
Jonah: [shocked] You guys kissed. | permalink

Riley: [to Jonah] I don't need to see your name in the opening credits to know I'm marrying the perfect guy. | permalink

Jo: Nobody really wants to teach public school and marry some guy who can't even pay the bills. | permalink

Jonah: Was that Johnny Depp on the phone?
Andy: Welcome to the dream, my friend. | permalink

Jonah: [on Violet, lurking by the pool] What were you doing out here, gauging the pH levels? | permalink

Ella: Selling out? Weren't you the one who traded in the refugee camps for a 12-page spread in Vogue? Maybe Riley wasn't the only one out there posing today. | permalink

We have a confession to make. We really love us some Melrose Place. The cheese factor and melodrama are off the charts, but remind us vividly of the original's heyday.

Add a smoking hot cast? Wow. You've got yourself a real guilty pleasure, CW.

That said, Ashlee Simpson-Wentz is probably the worst actress in the history of human civilization. The more serious she tries to be, the louder our involuntary guffaws.

Determined to seduce and destroy Michael, who she blames for Sydney's demise, Ash was at the center of last night's episode. She can't even chug a drink believably.

Violet's story line was just one of several last night. Lauren struggled again with her "job," David was roughed up by an art dealer, and Riley scored a modeling gig.

What else went down? Check out our recap of "Shoreline" and find out.

Some of our favorite Melrose Place quotes from the remake's latest installment ...

David: I told you what happened.
Lauren: Your injuries are completely inconsistent with your story David. Do you want to tell me what really happened so I can provide you with appropriate medical treatment? | permalink

Lauren: My neighbor's here. I'll deal with Katherine. I need your help. Get me off this boat! | permalink

Riley: But I've never done any modeling ...
Ella: THAT is exactly why Anton wants you. | permalink

Violet: I made you a signature drink. The M.D., because after you drink it you're going to need one. | permalink

Violet: You hurt my mother. She was trying to get better but you wouldn't let her. And now you're going to pay. | permalink

Violet is manipulative. Lauren is in over her head. And Ella is in major trouble.

These were just a few of our initial reactions to this week's episode of Melrose Place, as Violet showed her true colors; Lauren officially accepted a dangerous job; and Ella might need a lawyer.

Read a detailed recap of "Canon" and chime in with your thoughts on the hour. Should Jonah quit his videographer job and become a detective?

These were just a few of our favorite Melrose Place quotes from the latest hour:

Jonah [to David]: Careful you don't burn through your trust fund like you burn through all the people in your life. | permalink

Ella: True friends are hard to find and I'm lucky to say I live in a building full of them. | permalink

Ella: I... went home and molested my roommate, David Breck. It's okay. He's over 18. | permalink

David: Ella's a great girl, but she is yet to earn diamond status. | permalink

Heather Locklear comes back to Melrose Place in November.

But fans got a glimpse of a returning bitch of a different kind last night, as Josie Bissett's Jane made quite the impression on Ella.

What sort of problems did Jane cause? And how far has Lauren sunk in her new, shady profession? We have all the answers in our Melrose Place episode guide!

Among our favorite Melrose Place quotes from the latest hour were:

David: You can't tell me you didn't have a good time.
Ella: Don't flatter yourself. I always have a good time. | permalink

Ella: I don't think anyone has ever offered to destroy an enemy of mine before. It's almost romantic. | permalink

Jonah: Did you just tell me Violet is Sydney's daughter? I'm not a little fuzzy from my two Rum and Cokes. | permalink

Caleb: Why don't you have me give you Marc Jacobs' cell? We're in a Capture the Flag league together. | permalink

Just like the old days, a scheming Michael Mancini was the focus of this week's Melrose Place.

This time, however, Michael came up against a new foe: his son, David. It's safe to say these relatives don't get along very well.

Also featured last night on the show: a major fight between Jonah and Riley; and a creepy incident involving Violet. Read more about each in our recap of "Grand."

We've also collected a few Melrose Place quotes from the hour. Check them out now:

Jonah: What's going on, Riley? Should I have saved the receipt for that ring? | permalink

Auggie: Relationships are complicated. Cooking comes with instructions. | permalink

Ella: I hope Riley likes Bar Mitzvahs and birthday parties. Because if you don't put your career first, that's all you'll have to share with her. | permalink

Sydney: We both know Michael Mancini is a nobody without the .Dr in front of his name. | permalink