The Office
Recaps

What appears to be a long-running plot line on The Office this season is quickly becoming worse and worse - for Dunder-Mifflin, not us. In last night's "Shareholder Meeting," the company's financial problems were again front and center. This paper company is going under.

That is, unless Michael can come up with a plan at the meeting of shareholders in New York.

In a great commentary on corporate mismanagement, the bosses sent a limo to bring him, Dwight, Oscar and Andy to the meeting. That's not a waste of money at all.

In the end, he enjoyed a moment in the sun, but Michael provided little no help to the board. Back in Scranton, Jim tried to be the disciplinarian. With mixed results.

Nothing too exceptional overall, but a quality episode on all fronts.

Just a few of The Office quotes from last night's episode are posted below (follow the link for our entire library from every episode and all six seasons of the show) ...

This guy has a plan to save the company. Or so he says.

Michael: A town car is something a company sends when they are in trouble. A limo is something they send when there is cause for celebration. In this case I believe they are celebrating ... me. | permalink

Dwight: I was hoping to lob Michael a softball question early. I wanted to swing by the garment district; pick up a few crates of my shirts. I got a shirt guy. | permalink

Limo driver: The car seats eight.
Michael: Okay. Then Jim and Pam. And Ryan plus a guest.
Jim and Pam: No thanks.
Ryan: I'll use it when you're done. | permalink

Michael: That is what it is all about. Not the perks. The perks, I could take or leave the perks. But, limos, are for people who make the company money, not lose millions and have no plan. So we're leaving early. | permalink

Oscar: The Dunder Mifflin stock symbol is DMI. Do you know what that stands for? Dummies, morons, and idiots. Because that's what you'd have to be to own it. And as one of those idiots, I believe the board owes me answers. | permalink

Ryan: Do you love her, or do you love the idea of her?
Creed: I don't know man. I just don't know. | permalink

Dwight: If onlys and justs were candies and nuts, then everyday would be un de donkfest! | permalink

Michael: Alright. We are gonna ... we are gonna go out there, during this break, and we are gonna come back with a plan. We're gonna come back with a plan for you. It's a 45-day plan. 45 days! To get us back, on track. 45 points! It's a 45-day, 45-point, one point per day. We get 45 points, we're back in business! [cheers] And you can take that to the bank! And limo lady! We are going completely carbon-neutral! [more cheers] I love you New York! You! You! | permalink

Michael is a moron who means well. Jim is serious. Dwight is intense. Andy and Erin like each other. Angela is a b!tch. Kevin's a goofball. Creed has a weird past and is hilarious in his one weekly line. Stanley is unmoved. Pam and Oscar just try to stay sane.

Thursday's episode of The Office, "Murder," is pretty much summed up in the above paragraph, as so many episodes are. The characters themselves are the running gags.

It wasn't a noteworthy episode, really, but when the characters you love deliver the same jokes so well, The Office quotes never feel recycled, even with just a small twist.

This was the case last night, when Michael tried to turn the potential worst day in company history - Dunder-Mifflin facing the ramifications of a stagnant economy - into a goofy murder mystery game. The staff responded just as you thought they would.

With the exception of How I Met Your Mother quotes, no series sparks so many laughs with its characters' mere existence in different scenarios quite like The Office.

We've got some classic Office quotes from this episode for you below:

The murder mystery is on at Dunder-Mufflin. Jim's expression says it all.

Jim: I'm just gonna skip the what and go right to why.
Michael: Because this is the recreation of a crime scene!
Meredith: I'm the dead body and these are my brain chunks.
Dwight: Shut up, you're dead. | permalink

Dwight: A lot of the evidence seems to be based on puns. | permalink

Kevin: Oooh, now do the Swedish chef!
Andy: I'm not familiar, what province is he from?
Kevin: He lives on Sesame Street, you dumbass. | permalink

Michael. Well, well, well, what is this contraption, I do declare?!
Oscar: It's my Blackberry, Michael. I'm trying to get updates on the company.
Michael: Who's Michael? I'm Caleb Crawdad, I do declare!
Ryan: You don't have to keep saying 'I do declare.' Every time you say something, it means you're declaring it. | permalink

Jim: In everyone's defense I think the most worthy opponent of you is ... you.
Dwight: That is correct. Unless there happen to be measles present. | permalink

Dwight: Michael, what is the meaning of this email that everyone got?
Michael: You'll have to be more specific than that, Dwight. I get like eight emails today. | permalink

Dwight: You can all have jobs at Schrute Farms as human scarecrows. Although it doesn't pay much, and you can't unionize. | permalink

Dwight: [reading email from Wallace] I'm sure by now you've all seen the item in the Journal. I just want to stress that it's all conjecture, if we have any concrete information, you will know ASAP.
Michael: Erin, do we have the journal?
Erin: Your feelings journal? You told me to put it in the time capsule.
Michael: Did you?
Pam: He means the Wall Street Journal. Online.
Michael. Oh, the Wall. | permalink

Thursday's episode of The Office, "Double Date," centered on what was probably the most awkward such date in the history of dating: Pam-Jim and Michael-Helene (Pam's mom).

It was so awkward, in fact, that the awkwardness was multifaceted. Pam hated the fact that Michael dated her mom at all, but when he dumped her for being too old? Look out.

This wasn't the best episode in the history of the show by any means, as the primary plot went on a bit too long. But the culmination of Pam's anger with Michael was priceless.

Fool got smacked. Hard. In the parking lot. With an audience. As Phyllis said, "holy crap."

Meanwhile, the B-story was Dwight trying to win allies for a coup against Jim. But, however unwittingly, Andy refused to play along with Dwight's plan to get people to "owe him one."

Bagels in hand, Dwight seeks to get his co-workers to "owe him one."

Some of The Office quotes from this episode included:

Dwight: Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they'll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Jeez. When did everyone get sooooo cynical? | permalink

Meredith: Hey everybody, he's not in the men's room. Although the seat was warm, so we may have just missed him. | permalink

Andy: You give me a gift? Bam! Thank You note. You invite me somewhere? Pow! RSVP. You do me a favor? Wham! Favor returned. Do not test my politeness. | permalink

Pam: I used to love coming here. The chicken parm is good, big part of my childhood. Oh! Maybe Michael will start dating that too. | permalink

Pam: You're bribing me.
Michael: No! No, no... Unless you want me to! Do you want me to? Because I will. I will bribe you. No... Your face is saying, don't? Unless I haven't offered you enough? Your face isn't changing. What is it! Talk to me face, tell me what Pam's brain is thinking. | permalink

Phyllis: Holy crap. | permalink

Thursday's episode of The Office was called "Koi Pond." This is because Michael took a spill into one on his way to a business meeting and Jim let him flounder. Har har, get it?

A Halloween episode that began uncomfortably (see photo) with a party for local kids at the Dunder Mifflin warehouse became more so after Michael's aforementioned spill.

Michael simply could not handle being the butt of a joke and bad fish puns.

Some of them were pretty good, too. The longer it went, the harder he took it. Then, in an effort to roll with it, he only made himself look more insecure and awkward.

In short, vintage Office.

Halloween. Michael Scott style. Relax ... it was even worse than it looks.

Some of The Office quotes from this episode were even more classic than usual. Follow the link for our complete list from 2005-present. Some of last night's best:

Creed: I vant to sell you blood!
Ryan: That's really not the trend in vampires right now. | permalink

Darryl: You're not as scary as Bookface over there.
Jim: Yes. I am the popular social networking site known as Bookface. | permalink

Michael: I'm not usually the butt of the joke. I'm usually the face of the joke. I wish Jim had fallen into that pond. Then he'd have to put on my suit. And it'd be too short. And he'd look... dammit he'd still look good. | permalink

Pam: You blew the sale, you idiot!
Andy: Let me tell you something, I was never gonna make that sale. | permalink

Erin: Uh, David Wallace called.
Michael: Oh he did, what did he say?
Erin: He heard you made a big splash, at the meeting, oh my God that was so mean what I just said and I didn't mean it. It was Kevin and Meredith that put me up to it.
Kevin: I'm gonna kill you. | permalink

Stanley: Michael don't listen to them.
Michael: Thank you Stanley.
Stanley: You just ignore their carping.
Michael: Okay.
Dwight: Michael.
Michael: Yes.
Dwight: A carp is both a fish and a term for complaining. They're mocking you with wordplay. | permalink

Dwight: Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim, is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy so actually Jim is my enemy. But- | permalink

Thursday's episode of The Office, "The Lover," showed us a sign of Pamela Morgan Beesly we had never seen before. Funny what Michael Scott doing your mom will result in.

That's right, after hitting it off in Niagara Falls, Michael and Pam's mom Helene are dating, and when Pam learns about this, she is absolutely livid. Even Jim is at a total loss.

By and large, the episode revolved around Pam and Michael fighting about this singular issue, but it sure was entertaining. The subplot of the night was Dwight spying on Jim.

Jealous of Jim's promotion, Dwight planted a listening device inside a wooden duck mallard he presented Jim as a gift. His efforts quickly and hilariously unraveled, obviously.

Pam's first and last smile of the episode came in the first five seconds.

As always, The Office quotes from the episode produced numerous memorable lines that ranged from subtle to passive-aggressive to hysterical. Some of our favorites:

Pam: I'm not apologizing to anyone. Michael owes ME an apology.
Michael: For trying to find happiness in the arms of a lover?
Pam: Don't call my mother your lover!
Kevin: Yes! That's what I'm talking about.
Andy: That is not okay dude.
Michael: Okay, in my defense...
Phyllis: Disgusting.
Creed: That's messed up man. | permalink

Michael: I assumed that you want me to be happy, because I want you to be happy.
Pam: Michael. Let me make this very easy for you. I COULD GIVE A SH!T ABOUT YOUR HAPPINESS. STOP DATING MY MOTHER!
Michael: You know what, I'm gonna start dating her even harder.
Pam: What's that supposed to mean.
Michael: You know what it means. | permalink

Jim: Oh, so Dwight gave me this wooden mallard as a gift. I found a recording device in it. Yes. So. I think if I play it just right, I can get Dwight to live out the plot of National Treasure.
Pam: You need to be more upset about this. She's your mother too now. Your mother is sleeping with Michael Scott. | permalink

Dwight: [to Michael] You know, I really would've appreciated a heads up that you were into dating mothers. I would've introduced you to mine. | permalink

Michael: [to Pam] You're just as stubborn as your mom - when you don't want to do something, you just don't do it. | permalink

Dwight: Volunteerism is important. Every weekend I volunteer at the local animal shelter, they need a lot of help down there. Last Sunday I had to put down 150 pets by myself. | permalink

Michael: I don't need to be friends with Pam. I have plenty of female friends. My mom. Pam's mom. My aunt... although she just blocked me on IM. What's her face, from Quizno's? I see her like four times a week. | permalink

Last week's hour-long wedding episode of The Office was an entire series in the making. The subsequent episode, which aired Thursday night, was a bit of a letdown.

At the same time, it was good to see the Dunder-Mifflin gang back in their usual setting, and without Jim to keep Michael in check, he was off his rocker last night.

Convinced that an insurance salesman was a mafioso, Michael, Dwight and Andy set out to intimidate him right back. Meanwhile, Kevin started using Jim's office.

The man's got to pass gas and steal identities somewhere.

Follow the link for a detailed recap of "Mafia."

As always, there were a number of hilarious The Office quotes from the episode, sub-par as it may have been. A bad Office episode is better than a good ... almost anything!

Michael: Ok too many different words from coming at me from too many different sentences. | permalink

Operator: Well Mr. Halpert, you're obviously not in San Juan Puerto Rico.
Kevin: Wait a minute, yes I am--
Operator: We're going to go ahead and put a hold on your card.
Kevin: No- that- I think that we should let the criminal use the card a little longer. | permalink

Kevin: I wouldn't last in jail, Oscar, I'm not like you.
Oscar: What's that supposed to mean?
Kevin: Oh you don't know about jail? Oh you would LOVE jail.
Oscar: Why would I love jail.
Kevin: Because [pauses] you would love it. | permalink

Michael: There is nothing more insulting to a great salesman than having to listen to a bad salesman. It's like a great basketball player having to listen to a bad basketball player. | permalink

Dwight: The only way to stop a bully is to stand up to him. Trust me - I've bullied a lot of people. | permalink

Dwight: 'R' is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it murder and not mukduk. | permalink

Michael: Erin. Coffee.
Erin: Ok.
Michael: Not from the kitchen. Stop & Shop. If it's not Stop & Shop I send it back. Large. If it's a medium I send it back. If it's an extra-large I send it back.
Erin: How do you return coffee?
Michael: Go. | permalink

Dwight: Do you know how to use that?
Andy: To change tires? No. But it's metal. I can hit somebody with it. | permalink

This week's hour-long episode of The Office was five years in the making.

Indeed, Jim and Pam got married at Niagara Falls, during a wedding weekend that involved:

• An injured scrotum;
• Tissue boxes for shoes;
• Michael likely sleeping with Pam's mom;
• And a romantic, isolated ceremony under a waterfall.

Read through a detailed recap of "Niagara" and let us know if it lived up to your expectations.

As always, there were a number of hilarious The Office quotes this week. We've listed a bunch below:

Pam: I know way too much about Andy's scrotum. | permalink

Dwight: I'm ravenous after a night of love making. | permalink

Michael: They're men, Dwight.
Dwight: I love finding a good set of twins. | permalink

Michael: You can't expect them to be careful everytime because it's a different sensation.
| permalink

Dwight: In 1996, her volleyball team went 10-2.
Michael: What am I supposed to do with that?
Dwight: That's a very good record. | permalink

While Pam tries to encourage people to just give her and her fiance cash instead of buying something off the wedding registry, groom-to-be Jim has bigger fish to fry.

Namely, how the heck he's going to handle his new joint management position with the perpetual pain in the a$$ that is Michael Scott ... and staving off a coup.

Needless to say, a vengeful, jealous and raging lunatic Dwight was at the center of said coup attempt. Check out our recap of "The Promotion" if you missed it.

Check out our complete collection of The Office quotes from this and every episode in the show's six season history. Some of the best lines from "The Promotion" ...

Dwight: I deserved that promotion, not Jim. It makes me want to put him in a triangle chokehold, and force him down to the ground and just keep pressing and pressing and then flip him over and put him in a hammerlock! And he's gasping! He's panicking. Every last breath! And the crowd is going crazy. And boom! I emerge victorious! Ah-ha! Eighteen thousand dollars and a chance at the title! Whewhaa! | permalink

Kelly: I love rivalries. Michael or Jim. Paris or Nicole. Heidi or LC. It's so much fun. But, I guess if I'm really thinking about it and answering your question honestly, I'd have to go with LC. Heidi's a bad friend. And her skin, is terrible. | permalink

Creed: Hey, why haven't we ever, uh...
Meredith: We have. | permalink

Michael: You know what eats a large amount of the day? Naps. You go to sleep it's light out, you wake up it's dark. That's the whole day. Where did that day go? I have no idea.
Jim: You mean on a weekend.
Michael: [pause] Yes. | permalink

Jim: I've been studying Michael for years and I've condensed what I've learned into this chart. [holds up pie chart] "How Michael Spends His Time." You can see we have "procrastinating," and "distracting others," and this tiny sliver here, is "critical thinking." I made it bigger. So that you could see it. | permalink

When Jim tries to keep Michael in the dark and secure a promotion, you know it won't end well. After all, Michael doesn't want to lose Jim ... or Pam. Or the baby.

Meanwhile, Dwight and Toby are totally convinced Darryl is lying about a worker's compensation claim. When they go to investigate this theory, hilarity ensues.

Did Jim get the job? Was Darryl lying? Who's in and who's out for the Jim-Pam wedding? What new ways did Michael Scott to sabotage pretty much everything?

Check out our recap of "The Meeting" and find out.

Check out our complete collection of The Office quotes from this and every episode in all six seasons. Some of the best lines from "The Meeting" included:

Darryl: Toby! Dwight! You come to my house? Bust up my trash cans? Call my baby sister an a$$hole and tell her to eat dog food?
Dwight: We thought she was you.
Darryl: How would you think a lady is me?
Dwight: [pause] Are you serious? Because you look exactly alike? Am I the only one who ...
Toby: I don't see it. | permalink

Jim: I didn't tell Michael because I thought he'd try to help. Example: He handed out jello shots at the 23rd mile of the Steamtown Marathon. | permalink

Michael: Wallace just HAD to show up. On the one four-month period where I'm completely overwhelmed. | permalink

Pam: We invited everyone in the office to our wedding, even though we knew most people probably couldn't make the drive to Niagara Falls. Which is why we're having it in Niagara Falls. | permalink

Dwight: He's lying.
Toby: He has a doctor's note.
Dwight: Yeah, from who, Dr. J? You really need to investigate this. People don't just fall off ladders.
Toby: A guy on my street fell off a ladder. It was on the news? | permalink

Michael: Corporate shut down the Buffalo branch, which left us to absorb all of their clients. I will tell you, there has been ... work, every day. I had to come in on a Saturday... to retrieve ... I left my cell phone here. | permalink

When you work in an office, there's going to be gossip. But you've never seen workplace "Gossip" quite like The Office presented it in its Season 6 premiere Thursday night.

Always desperate to be in the know, Michael Scott spread a rumor about a colleague that he later regretted, and tried to cover up by spreading more untrue rumors.

Makes perfect sense, right? It's Michael Scott, people.

Who among the Dunder-Mifflin ranks is having an affair? What employee is questioning his or her sexuality? Our recap of "Gossip" attempts to answer that and more.

Check out our complete library of The Office quotes from this and every episode in the show's history. Some of our favorite lines from last night's "Gossip" included:

Michael: How do you untell something? You can't. You can't put words back in your mouth. What you can do, is spread false gossip... so people think that everything that's been said is untrue. | permalink

Pam: This is the last day of our summer interns. It's been nice. We haven't had interns in a while. Ever since Michael's Monica Lewinsky incident. He didn't do anything sexual, he just made too many Monica Lewinsky jokes. | permalink

Michael: Did you pee on a stick?
Jim: I did. It was inconclusive. | permalink

Michael: [on ultrasound pic] Oh my god! Pam! Look at that! That is the inside of your vagina! | permalink

Jim: You gotta figure this out.
Andy: How?
Jim: Have sex with a woman.
Andy: Yeah!
Jim: Then a man. Then compare. | permalink

Erin: Kelly has an eating disorder?
Michael: Yes.
Erin: She always eats my lunch.
Michael: Anorexia. She's an anorexitic.
Erin: We should do something.
Michael: Nothing can be done. We just have to tell everybody and hope for the best I guess. | permalink

Michael: The one true rumor ... and this is going to ruin this person's life, is that-
Jim: Pam's pregnant!
Kevin: I knew it! At first, I thought, 'Oh, Pam's breasts are a little bit bigger. She must have gotten a new bra with padding.' But then I thought, 'Pam doesn't NEED padding.' It just didn't add up, Jim.
Jim: Okay. Thank you.
Dwight: Who's the father?
Pam: Jim.
Creed: Who's the OB-GYN? | permalink