Two and a Half Men
Recaps

So this season has been a little disappointing with Charlie's engagement to Chelsea, but last night we couldn't think of a single complaint about Two and a Half Men.  The episode featuring Tricia Helfer in a sexy nightgown with Chelsea may have had something to do with it.

The episode also featured several inner monologue bits that revealed just what Charlie is thinking and to be honest it was almost as scary as it was funny.  Alan took the cake though with his "Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle." thoughts, while not even saying an actual word to Gail.

However, the line of the episode went to Berta.  Just check hers out and the rest of our favorite Two and a Half Men quotes:

Charlie: I gotta figure out a way to get Gail to leave on her own.
Berta: You got the perfect tool for the job.
Charlie: What are you talking about?
Berta: The one tool that's guaranteed to drive any woman out of the house.
Alan [entering the room]: Hello.
Berta: Oh look, it's an Alan wrench. | permalink

Alan: There is a very good chance a woman like that is tired rich, handsome, successful guys that have their own homes and recently built cars.
Charlie: You really believe that?
Alan: I have to. | permalink

Alan [about Gail]: I felt a little spark between us
Charlie: If there was a spark it's because she was warming up her taser | permalink

Jake: Do either of you guys urinate with abnormal frequency?
Alan and Charlie: No.
Charlie: I mean, you gotta define abnormal
Alan: Keep in mind the body doesn't process alcohol efficiently, which is why your Uncle Charlie is a perpetual urine machine
Charlie: Also keep in mind your father has the bladder control of a frightened nine year old girl, which is why he needs to wear two pairs of undies and a panty liner
Alan: Only on long drives | permalink

As glad as we were that Charlie managed to save his fiancee Chelsea's boobs last week, let's face it, no one tunes in to Two and a Half Men to watch Charlie as a married man.

There's about a million other generic sitcoms to see families.  We tune in to this generic sitcom to live vicariously through the world's ultimate bachelor.  So luckily, last night's episode, which started with Charlie and Chelsea setting a date, ended with Charlie and Alan in bed together.

Woh, wait, what!?  You can read our "Untainted by Filth" recap to find out the details.  We're just hoping this possible infedelity is enough to end the engagement that's weighing down this show.

Surprisingly, one of the funniest scenes in the episode involved the recently underutilized Jake.  The scene between Jake and Chelsea discussing Charlie's string of women prior to her was classic. 

Look, we know Jake has gotten awkward as he grew up, but what teenager hasn't?  Have some more fun with him and Berta, they're great supporting characters.  Oh and bring back Rose while you're at it.

Back to the episode at hand.  Overall it had its funny moments and hopefully some long term reprecussions on Charlie's relationship.  Now for some great Two and a Half Men quotes from the episode:

Evelyn: When I was married to your second step-father...
Charlie: The carpet king?
Evelyn: Well I called him that, but it wasn't his profession | permalink

Evelyn: Confession may be good for the soul, but for marriage, it's a hot, lead enema. | permalink

Charlie: Hey can I be the best man?
Alan: You'll need a sex change | permalink

Evelyn: The sooner you two get married, the sooner I'll have more grandchildren.
Charlie: Why, does Miss Evelyn need a cook and a butler, too? | permalink

While we're not entirely sold on the Chelsea plotline that has been the focus of season seven of Two and a Half Men, it certainly has led to some unique storylines.

During this week's episode, Alan suggested to Chelsea that she solve her lifelong backpains with a boob reduction.  We're pretty sure we've never seen Charlie angrier.

For one of the first times we can remember in seven season, Charlie kicked Alan out of the house and went so far as to pray and even cry.  Charlie's reactions were definitely the highlight of the episode.

Meanwhile, Alan spent the weekend at his mother's, which as always led to some hilarious Evelyn moments.  You can catch up with the full events of this decent episode in our "Give Me Your Thumb" recap.

Now for some of the best Two and a Half Men quotes of the half hour:

Charlie: I'll tell you what helps pain, pain pills. In fact, I saw a guy on the news with a nail in his head and thanks to pain pills he was laughing
Alan: What about addiction?
Charlie: That's the least of his problem, he has a nail in his head! | permalink

Charlie [to Alan]: Let's make one thing clear, the only acceptable boob reduction in this house is you moving out | permalink

Evelyn [to Alan]: You suggested Charlie's fiancee get small breasts? Why not reinstate prohibition while you're at it? | permalink

Chelsea: They're not our boobs, they're my breasts
Charlie: If you were to dust them for prints right now, who would be suspects number one? | permalink

Last night's episode of Two and a Half Men is certainly not going to win any Emmys for its unoriginal, lack-luster story last night, but that didn't stop the episode from being hilarious.

The show's strength absolutely comes from the chemistry Charlie Sheen and Emmy-Award Winning (tee hee) Jon Cryer, especially when they're bickering.  Guess what the focus of last night's episode was?

When Jake was too embarassed to return to the guys' place for the weekend, the two of them attempted to work out their relationship with hilarious results.  Catch up with our full recap of "For the Sake of the Child" to see how successful they were.

It's definitely not one of our favorite episodes, but as always, this show delivers the laughs.  Here's some of our favorite Two and a Half Men quotes from the episode:

Alan: It's because of you Jake doesn't want to come here anymore
Charlie: Great, tell me what I did so I can do it to you | permalink

Alan: I don't want to go to sleep angry
Charlie: Try drinking more
Alan: What will that solve?
Charlie: Sobriety | permalink

Alan: Name three things you would change about me
Charlie: Your personality, your wardrobe and your address
Alan: Thank you
Charlie: Your voice, your face and again your address
Alan: Alright, alright
Charlie: Your haircut, your fruity little workbook and your address
Alan: Just needed three
Charlie: Come on, we're healing. Your cheapness, your smug arrogance, and your address | permalink

On last night's Two and a Half Men, both Alan and Charlie provded how whipped they could be by their respective women.  Alan, when told by Melissa that she won't sleep with him in the back of his car, got a job working for the devil herself, his mother.

Meanwhile, Charlie was ready to do whatever it took to get Jake to be nicer to Chelsea, who was getting annoyed at the awkward teenager.  Find out just how far the boys went in our "Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator" recap.

Now for some of our favorite Two and a Half Men quotes from the episode:

Alan: I was on a date with Melissa
Charlie: How'd it go?
Alan: She broke up with me and I may have to register as a sex offender
Charlie: So at least you had fun | permalink

Melissa: We should have sex in every room
Alan: I don't see why not. We'll have to bring the towel with us. Of course we're going to have to wait a half an hour to give my erectile dysfunction medicine a chance to overcome my anti depressants | permalink

Chelsea [about Jake]: There has to be something beneath that sullen exterior.
Charlie: Yes, a D student with a perpetual boner. | permalink

Evelyn: Alan, I'm trying to sell a house here. Warm cookies smell, good. Hot poop smell, bad | permalink

Last night, the Emmy-award winning king of awkward, Alan Harper snuck over to his ex-wife's house to take care of her new baby, which he still believes to be his.  While there, his ex-mother-in-law, Lenore (Annie Potts) attempted to seduce him, of course!

Meanwhile, Jake was busy at home harassing Charlie to let him use his new learner's permit and drive his very expensive Mercedes.  While initially Charlie said no, Jake got his way when he captured evidence of Charlie running over Chelsea's cat.

Find out what both of our favorite Harper boys did to get out of their situations in our "Mmm, fish. Yum." recap.

Now for some of the best Two and a Half Men quotes from the episode:

Alan [about Judith's new baby]: She has my eyes, my jawline
Charlie: You forgot poopy pants and thinning hair
Alan: Oh that was only one time and I begged you to stop at the gas station | permalink

Alan: Lenore, you think should be drinking?
Lenore: Why because I've been to Betty Ford?
Alan: No, because you got kicked out of Betty Ford | permalink

Lenore: Do you know what it's like waking up to the same stupid face for thirty nine years?
Alan: All I can tell you is what I told your daughter, "if you don't like it, roll over." | permalink

Charlie and Alan had the ultimate bachelor pad in Malibu Beach until last night's Two and a Half Men, when Chelsea made Charlie invite Alan's girlfriend, Melissa, to move in.

Now with two ladies living there (plus Berta if you can count her), the women were able to take over the place, slowly forcing Charlie and Alan out.

Find out how the boys won back the balance of power until the new generation took over in our "Whipped Unto the Third Generation" recap.

Now for some hilarious Two and a Half Men quotes from the episode:

Alan: You missed Easter last year
Charlie: So that's how I woke up with a Cadbury egg melted in my shorts?
Alan: Sadly, no | permalink

Chelsea [about Alan]: He pays rent, doesn't he?
Charlie: I dunno, once, maybe... at least he said he did | permalink

Alan: As you know, I pay my fair share of rent around here
Charlie: We probably have different definitions of fair, and share, and rent, but go on... | permalink

Alan: Remember that time we were on a Caribbean cruise with mom and we had our own cabin? It took us three days to realize she was on a different boat | permalink

Last night Two and a Half Men had its seventh season premiere, and some how Charlie Sheen and Emmy-award winning Jon Cryer (sorry NPH, we had to throw that in) continue to not disappoint.

The show, in its typical fashion, was all about both Charlie's bowel movements and his relationship at the same time.  Of course, when Charlie has relationship issues that means the amazing Jane Lynch takes a break from stealing scenes in Glee to guest star as Charlie's amazing therapist, Dr. Freeman.

In addition to Jane Lynch reprising her role, fans were treated to a rather humorous, albeit pointless cameo by Eddie Van Halen, the return of the incredibly hot Emmanuelle Vaugier, and MadTV's Will Sasso.  Not bad.

Find out what all these guest stars did in our "818-jklpuzo" recap.  Now for some of the hilarious Two and a Half Men quotes from the episode.

Berta: That's a pretty mouth, but it's not made for singing
Jake: What's it made for?
Alan: Eating
Jake: I thought she meant oral sex | permalink

Alan: Hey, how's the intensines?
Charlie: Clean as a whistle... it's the city's problem now | permalink

Dr. Freeman: How's work?
Charlie: It's been pretty slow. Thankfully the house is paid off, the pension is funded, and I've give up prostitutes. Really all I need is drinking money... what's that, a couple grand a month?
Dr. Freeman: Sounds about right
| permalink