When Michael Scott aims to inspire Dunder-Mifflin branches, there's no telling what inane things he will say. But it's guaranteed that he will underperform expectations.

This was the focal point of last week's The Office, "Lecture Circuit (Part I)," which also saw Jim and Dwight blow off Kelly's b-day and Andy put the moves on a new client.

With Part II just two days away, below is a sampling of the best lines from this great episode. Prepare to laugh - and feel free to check out our directory of The Office quotes from this and EVERY episode since the NBC comedy debuted in 2005!

Andy: Well listen, you're a new client, and as one of my new clients, you will always be taken care of. That is the Nard-Dog guarantee.
Julia: What's a "Nard-Dog"?
Andy: [points to self] This is the Nard-Dog. | permalink

Creed: No small talk. Just show her who's the boss. Just go right in and kiss her.
Andy: Okay, it sounds risky.
Creed: Have I ever steered you wrong, Jim?
Andy: Wait, what? | permalink

Michael: I grab this [grabs a chain saw], and I turn it on and I say, "Prepare yourself, for the Utica chain store massacre."
Karen: No that's, that is incredibly dangerous.
Michael: No, don't worry, the chain is off.
Pam: No it's not. | permalink

Dwight: I have here Kelly Kapoor's personal and confidental file. Allow me to share. "Kelly Kapoor spent April 1995 to December 1996 at Berks County Youth Center." Juvie. "According to past employers, it in no way affects her job perfor..." Blah, Blah, Blah. | permalink

Kelly: My birthday was yesterday, and everybody forgot. I got really dressed up and excited, and no one said a word. There wasn't even a party. I think sometimes people are really mean to the hot, popular girl. | permalink

Michael: [on phone] NO! Oh, my God. Oh, No. That is so awful. That is the worst news. I have to go. I have to do a presentation. I'll talk to you... [hangs up] It is going to be hard for me to speak today. Because I just learned that my father has died... No, he didn't! He is alive. And this isn't even a cell phone. This is a calculator. But you bought it! And now you can't return it. Or can you? No you can't. [Karen raises her hand] Yes. Karen, do you need to go pump?
Karen: Not gonna have to do that, 'til after I have the baby. | permalink

Phyllis: She's out of your league Andy.
Andy: For your information, I have been with lots of beautiful women.
Phyllis: Sexually?
Andy: This conversation is over. | permalink

Michael: I don't know you. But I need to know you in order to sell to you. That is why I have asked you to go around and tell me you names. I have an amazing mnemonic device, by which I have memorized all of your names. Shirty, mole, lazy eye, Mexico, baldy, sugar boobs, black woman. | permalink

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