The Office Quotes: "Murder"

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Michael is a moron who means well. Jim is serious. Dwight is intense. Andy and Erin like each other. Angela is a b!tch. Kevin's a goofball. Creed has a weird past and is hilarious in his one weekly line. Stanley is unmoved. Pam and Oscar just try to stay sane.

Thursday's episode of The Office, "Murder," is pretty much summed up in the above paragraph, as so many episodes are. The characters themselves are the running gags.

It wasn't a noteworthy episode, really, but when the characters you love deliver the same jokes so well, The Office quotes never feel recycled, even with just a small twist.

This was the case last night, when Michael tried to turn the potential worst day in company history - Dunder-Mifflin facing the ramifications of a stagnant economy - into a goofy murder mystery game. The staff responded just as you thought they would.

With the exception of How I Met Your Mother quotes, no series sparks so many laughs with its characters' mere existence in different scenarios quite like The Office.

We've got some classic Office quotes from this episode for you below:

Murder Mystery!

The murder mystery is on at Dunder-Mufflin. Jim's expression says it all.

Jim: I'm just gonna skip the what and go right to why.
Michael: Because this is the recreation of a crime scene!
Meredith: I'm the dead body and these are my brain chunks.
Dwight: Shut up, you're dead. | permalink
Dwight: A lot of the evidence seems to be based on puns. | permalink
Kevin: Oooh, now do the Swedish chef!
Andy: I'm not familiar, what province is he from?
Kevin: He lives on Sesame Street, you dumbass. | permalink
Michael. Well, well, well, what is this contraption, I do declare?!
Oscar: It's my Blackberry, Michael. I'm trying to get updates on the company.
Michael: Who's Michael? I'm Caleb Crawdad, I do declare!
Ryan: You don't have to keep saying 'I do declare.' Every time you say something, it means you're declaring it. | permalink
Jim: In everyone's defense I think the most worthy opponent of you is ... you.
Dwight: That is correct. Unless there happen to be measles present. | permalink
Dwight: Michael, what is the meaning of this email that everyone got?
Michael: You'll have to be more specific than that, Dwight. I get like eight emails today. | permalink
Dwight: You can all have jobs at Schrute Farms as human scarecrows. Although it doesn't pay much, and you can't unionize. | permalink
Dwight: [reading email from Wallace] I'm sure by now you've all seen the item in the Journal. I just want to stress that it's all conjecture, if we have any concrete information, you will know ASAP.
Michael: Erin, do we have the journal?
Erin: Your feelings journal? You told me to put it in the time capsule.
Michael: Did you?
Pam: He means the Wall Street Journal. Online.
Michael. Oh, the Wall. | permalink

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The Office Quotes

Dwight: What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years; she's never taken another lover. I don't care, I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.

Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.