Best of Scrubs Season Five Quotes

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NBC decided to air Scrubs season five during the 2006 midseason, but were still find enough to deliver us a full 24 episode order. 

During the fifth season, we saw Turk and Carla struggle to get conceive, with Carla finally getting pregnant by "My Bright Idea," when J.D. convinced Turk to tell everyone in the hospital before Carla.

No Wine for You

Meanwhile, Jordan became pregnant with her second baby, J.D. began and ended his relationship with Julie (played by real life girlfriend Mandy Moore), and eventually ended up with Dr. Kim (Elizabeth Banks), who he would impregnant without even having sex with her.

Other memorable moments including the passing of everyone's favorite patient, Mrs. Walk, Dr. Cox's bender that lnaded him in a league of absence, Elliot's budding relationship with the Dudemeister and a very silly guest spot by Jason Bateman in "My Big Bird."

Overall, season five may not have been our favorite, but it certainly provided us with plenty of laughs.  You probably know where this is going as we announce we've added nearly 700 season five quotes.

As usual, we've put together our best of Scrubs quotes from the season below:

J.D.: Ah Jason, when you're filling out a female patient's exam report, her breasts can be healthy or unhealthy never 'bangin' double D's'. | permalink
J.D.: His tumor is looking so big, it's starting to look like a three-mor! | permalink
J.D.: I just say something nice about him that's actually true!
Dr. Cox: You go do that and I'll go find God, quit drinking, get in touch with myself emotionally and we'll meet right back here at half past impossible. | permalink
J.D.: Doug, I told you to stop pre-tagging patients!
Doug: It's a slow day in the morgue.. nothing's written in stone!
J.D.: You wrote a Time of Death!
Doug: I wrote 1-ish! | permalink
Jordan: Helping someone move is like oral sex: you do it once and then they owe you for life! | permalink
J.D.: You not aware of any sort of odd underground canal system beneath the hospital are you? I think I saw a manatee.
Janitor: Was his name Julian?
J.D.: Well we didn't exchange pleasantries.
Janitor: That's Julian. | permalink
Turk: Dude, he keeps a hug schedule with his friends!
J.D.: Okay, Turk.. looks like someone's getting crossed off their 2 o' clock spot and getting penciled in for never! How does that feel? Does it sting?
J.D.'s Narration: He's hurting! Hug him.. hug him now! | permalink
Turk: Dr. Kelso, I'll go to that conference.
Dr. Kelso: Turkelton, I have many more pressing issues, starting with a gigantic paralyzed wife and ending with a gay son who has just written a scathing musical about me called Dr. Dad, which despite mixed reviews, has just been held over in Buffalo. So why don't you just do whatever... | permalink
Elliot: J.D., I really don't wanna do this. Can't we just go home, and put on our PJs and watch "Grey's Anatomy"?
J.D.: Oh, I do love that show. It's like they've been watching our lives and just... put it on TV. | permalink
Keith: How come I don't get a nickname?
J.D.: The other's surnames lend themselves to a nickname.
Keith: My last name is "Dudemeister"!
J.D.: What can I do with that? I'm not a magician! | permalink
J.D.: Dr. Cox?
Dr. Cox: Yeah newbie, what do ya got?
J.D.: That guy looks fantastic. What do you think he's dying of, a case of the handsomes? | permalink
Dr. Kelso: If I wanted to waste my breath, I would have given my wife CPR last night when she went into cardiac arrest. | permalink
Marston: How often do you make love?
Turk: Twice today.
Carla: Actually it was three times. You were asleep for the last one.
Turk: Wow, that really happened? I thought it was weird that you were in one of my sex dreams. | permalink
Jordan: You know one of the reasons I divorced Perry was because of his last name.
Elliot: You don't like Cox?
Jordan: Actually I love Cox.
Todd: Greatest conversation ever.
Jordan: See, that's the problem.
Woman: This sausage is huuuuuuge.
Todd: 'cuse me ladies, I'm needed elsewhere. | permalink
Carla: Keith, you'd better not tell her who did it.
Keith: But Elliot scares me.
Carla: Elliot is a blonde, 108 pound skipole from a cul-de-sac in Connecticut. I am an underpaid, pregnant nurse from the block who, over the next six months, will get fatter and angrier. Now, who are you really afraid of? | permalink
Carla: I'm having a weird pregnancy craving. Hey J.D., if you go out would you get me a hot Italian sausage?
Todd: I got a hot Italian sausage for you, right here. People think I just luck into these situations but it's really a lot of hard work. You know what else is hard? I should go.
J.D.: I think I may vomit. | permalink
Keith: Did Elliot leave without telling me?
Jordan: Why is there an intern in my bathroom? It's not my birthday.
Keith: She made me watch. | permalink
Elliot: I started an "I hate Cox" chat room. It didn't work out the way I planned. It's just me, two interns and 14,000 lesbians. | permalink
J.D.: Gift Shop Girl?
Lisa: Hey J.D.
J.D.: I thought you died.
Lisa: No, I just got married.
J.D.: But I sent your family flowers.
Lisa: I know. You bought them from me. It was kind of weird. | permalink
Jack: I made poopy in the potty.
Dr. Cox: You know, son, as a doctor I spend a lot of my day dealing with other people's poop, and I'm not going to lie to you, Jackie, it gets old. That's not to say that I haven't enjoyed the last three years of waking up to a fresh brown trout in your Huggies besides you'll be doing the same thing for me some day real soon. Yet, aside from actually seeing you being born and the time Wayne Gretzky said 'what's up' to me in the line at the bank, you being out of diapers is the best damn thing that has ever happened to me. It truly is. Now why don't you go into your room and play for a little while because your mom and I are going to celebrate up here, grown-up style. | permalink

Eric Hochberger is the programmer of TV Fanatic, so please forgive his mediocre writing. His programming is far better. Follow him on Twitter and/or email him. Just don't request threaded comments. They're coming.


Scrubs Quotes

Turk: With Marbury, I really believe New York has a shot at the title, man.
J.D.: Yeah, me too.
Turk: Which sport are we talking about?
J.D.: I wanna say tennis...

J.D.: Hey, I heard a great joke. A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." And the dentist says, "Well, if you think you're a moth, why are you at a dentist's office?"
J.D.'s narration: Oh, no, I forgot the punchline... You can't bail out now! Stall! Stall!
J.D.: ...So the moth says "That's a good question. What kind of dentist are you?" And the dentist says, "Well, I'm a general dentist, but I...I do dabble in orthodontry - braces and such." And... and the moth says, "Orthodontry? I hear there's great money in that."
J.D.'s narration: "The light was on"!
J.D.: "But! To answer your original question, which was, if I think I'm a moth, why am I in a dentist's office? The answer is, Because the light was on!" The light! The light, James. Moths love light. So, James, other than your funny bone being broken, what seems to be the problem?