Best of Scrubs Season Three Quotes

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The third season of Scrubs was easily one of the show's strongest and most memorable efforts.  The season opened with Turk and Carla setting their wedding date and ended with their reception.

My Best Friend's Wedding Picture

Along the way, J.D. and Elliot got back together, only to break up again, and several impressive guest stars made their debut including Michael J. Fox.  Tragically, Brendan Fraser performed his final role as Jordan's brother, Ben, in the Emmy-nominated "My Screw Up."

But don't take our word for whether it was one of the strongest seasons, now's your chance to experience yourself with our collection of Scrubs season three quotes.  We made sure to capture all our favorite Coxians rants, Doran fantasies, and Kelso's sleaziness.

So what are you doing?  Go grab a couple drinks, sit back, and enjoy the best collection of Scrubs quotes on the 'net as we continue to build the ultimate archive:

Elliot: You're gonna give the patient the screening, and I'll tell you why. Remember that patient of mine you screwed up? Well, I'm going to tell him it was your fault and then I'm going to spend every waking second helping him figure out how to emotionally and financially bitchslap you even if the end result is that we both get our asses fired. Your move, Chuckles. | permalink
Turk: You know, I'm actually starting to like Journey.
J.D.: Well you're gonna be very pleased with the next twenty-three songs. | permalink
Turk: These right here, you see these names? They are called patients. This one needs brain work, this one needs a heart...
J.D.: This one needs courage.
Turk: Helping or hurting J.D., helping or hurting?! | permalink
Dan: I know. But you know what? This is gonna be great. You know, this reminds me of the time I came down to see you guys when you were in med school... Oh! And I hooked up with that slutty chick! Remember, the one with the huge cans? What was her name?
J.D.: Amy.
Dan: Yeah! How do you remember stuff like that?
J.D.: She was my girlfriend.
Dan: Right. You got her number? | permalink
Carla: Why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer?
Turk: You mean, why is there silverware in the pancake drawer? | permalink
Todd: Dude, my broccoli is hot.
Turk: Please tell me you mean temperature-wise - because there is no way you can find broccoli sexy.
Todd: Oh...yeah...temperature-wise... And mini green boobs-wise! What's up!! | permalink
Dr. Cox: Why don't we ever have sex?
Jordan: I find it a little hard to feel sexy seeing as I passed a human being out of my body six months ago.
Dr. Cox: Hey, lookit, I had front seats to that bloodbath, and it hasn't affected my sex drive.
Jordan: Oh, no, no, no, no, I got that when you asked the lactation nurse if she needed help getting things started!
Dr. Cox: Right. | permalink
Dr. Kelso: You are a doctor, and you need to be able to say simple clinical words like penis, or vagina, or anal!
Elliot: Anal is not a dirty word sir.
Dr. Kelso: Tell that to my wife. | permalink
Dr. Kelso: See this is why you shouldn't get emotionally invested in your patients.
Dr. Cox: Hey Bobo, now when the dark prince does finally call you home, please promise me that you'll donate your body to science, and I don't mean medical science. I mean NASA, 'cause when those buzzcuts have all but given up on trying to figure out just exactly what a black hole is, and they get one look at that space where your heart was supposed to be, well by-gum you know they're gonna say, 'Aww shucks! That's what it is!' | permalink
Turk: Babe, you gotta understand, a guy will sleep with any woman he finds attractive, no matter how he feels about her. If Tyra Banks drove her car over my mom and then offered to have sex with me? I'd have to dial 9-1-1 in the nude because my pants would already be off!
Carla: That's sweet! While your mother lays there dying!
Turk: Tell her.
J.D.: His mom doesn't die. Tyra uses her connections in the supermodel world to get government scientists to put Turk's mom's brain into Heidi Klum's body. She falls in love with me, we all move in together.
Turk: It'd be awkward at first, but I'd make it work... 'Cause I love my mom.
J.D.: Mm, and I would love her, too.
Carla: New low! | permalink
Dr. Casey: J.D., do you wanna get a beer tonight?
J.D.: Do chickens wish they could fly?
Dr. Casey: I have no idea.
J.D.: I like to think they do.
Dr. Casey: So do I. | permalink
Michael J. Fox on Scrubs
Dr. Kelso: Perry, what has two thumbs and still doesn't give a crap? Bob Kelso! I thought we'd met. | permalink
Dr. Cox: Shower shorts?
J.D.: For the man who has nothing to hide... but still wants to. | permalink
Carla: Dr. Kelso, the sexual harassment around here has gotten out of control. Yesterday somebody asked Laverne if her boobs were made for walking! That's rude!... And it makes no sense.
Laverne: Paris and Nikki were not amused.
Carla: You named your breasts after the Hilton sisters?
Laverne: Other way around, sugar! | permalink
Elliot: Gaby, you all set for your bone marrow transplant today?
Gaby: I'm scared. I wanted to bring my stuffed pink doggie with me, but Mean Nurse says I can't.
Elliot: Well, I promise you you'll have it. Honestly, Mean Nurse, why would you say that?
Carla: Because she lost her stuffed pink doggie two days ago.
Elliot: Frick! | permalink
Carla: Christopher!!!
Turk: You only call me "Christopher" when you're mad...or when we're having sex. You're not mad at me when having sex, are you baby?
Carla: Sometimes...maybe. | permalink
Carla: What's wrong with him?
Turk: He slept with Elliot last night.
Carla: Oh, that time of year again. | permalink
Dr. Kelso: I need your opinion about something.
Dr. Cox: Yes Bob, those pants do make you look like you're holding water.
Dr. Kelso: Perry, I'll tell you the same thing I told a comic I once saw in a strip club in Reno; I'm not here for the jokes. | permalink
Dr. Kelso: I'll just have a club soda. I'm driving home.
Bartender: It's an open bar.
Dr. Kelso: Give me a bucket of scotch! | permalink

Eric Hochberger is the programmer of TV Fanatic, so please forgive his mediocre writing. His programming is far better. Follow him on Twitter and/or email him. Just don't request threaded comments. They're coming.


Scrubs Quotes

I'm narcissitic, I'm pessimistic, I'm obsessive, I'm insecure, and I am so afraid of intimacy that every one of my relationships is a journey of self sabatoge that inevitably end in a black vacuum of shattered expectations and despair.


Doug wanted me to give this patient five hundred thousand milligrams of morphine. I thought I'd check with you before I kill a man.