Classic TV Quotes: Archer Season One

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"Danger Zone."  No other show can have us laughing out loud in pain by uttering the name of a Kenny Loggins song quite like Archer.  This little FX gem that somehow averages less than a million viewers is possibly one of the funniest cartoons, nay shows on television.

Skytanic Picture

So we implore you to give this show a watch.  Hey Arrested Development fans, did we mention Jessica Walter voices the matriarch that eerily resembles Lucille Bluth and that she most likely fathered her child with a character voiced by Jeffrey Tambor?  Not enough for you Bluth fans?  How about Judy Greer as a horny secretary?

But really it's not just a re-hashed Arrested Development meets Bond.  The formula may seem done before (see Get Smart and countless other Bond spoofs), but the humor is distinctly Adam Reed and it's distinctly awesome.

So we're going to help you catch up with Archer quotes from season one in time before next season starts up in just a few short weeks on January 27th.  And as a website sitting on screeners from the first seven episodes of the sophomore season? We can tell you after you get past the season two premiere, it won't disappoint. 

So get ready to laugh your ass off at the inappropriate comments made by Sterling Malory "Duchess" Archer and his cohorts at ISIS, ODIN, and the KGB.  Some of our favorites are after the jump.

Krenshaw: Jesus, Archer, you think this is a game?
Archer: No, I think Jenga's a game. | permalink
Archer: Stop. Shut up. I have to go, and If I find one single dog hair when I get back, I'll... rub sand in your dead little eyes.
Woodhouse: Very good, Sir.
Archer: I also need you to go buy sand.
Woodhouse: Yes, Sir.
Archer: I don't know if they grade it, but... coarse. | permalink
Malory: Do you want Ants? Because that is how you get ants! | permalink
Archer: Oh my God! You killed a hooker!
Cyril: Call girl! She was a-
Archer: No Cyril, when they're dead they're just hookers! | permalink
Archer: You know what's dangerous? You're obsession with me. Seriously, Lana, call Kenny Loggins, 'cause you're in the Danger Zone. | permalink
Archer: Woodhouse! What are you doing?
Woodhouse: Uh, sitting down sir.
Archer: What, at the table? Like people? | permalink
Archer: Woodhouse! What are you doing?
Woodhouse: Uh, sitting down sir.
Archer: What, at the table? Like people? | permalink
Archer: Because how hard is it to poach a god damn egg properly? Seriously, that's like eggs 101 Woodhouse. | permalink
Malory: This is why I can't have nice things
Archer: Why, because you shoot them? | permalink

Eric Hochberger is the programmer of TV Fanatic, so please forgive his mediocre writing. His programming is far better. Follow him on Twitter and/or email him. Just don't request threaded comments. They're coming.


Archer Quotes

Cyril: Why are you so scared of crocodiles?
Archer: Gee, I don't know, Cyril. Maybe deep down I'm afraid of any apex predator that lived through the K-T extinction. Physically unchanged for a hundred million years, because it's the perfect killing machine. A half ton of cold-blooded fury, the bite force of 20,000 Newtons, and stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hoofs.

Cheryl: What the stupid shit are you doing??
Cyril: You said you wanted watermelon.
Cheryl: Watermelon's red?
Cyril: Yes. How do you not know that?
Cheryl: Who am I? Charles Frederick Andress?