The Bachelor Review: Tractors, Bikinis and Aliens! OH MY!

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Get your engines, ready, ladies and gentlemen! We're off to the races on The Bachelor Season 19 Episode 2. The tractor races, that is!

Chris Soules is taking the 23 women vying for his affections home to Iowa--but not HOME to Iowa-- by bringing country life to them to see how they'll do down on the farm. And we'll be recapping it all in our +/- format! But remember, you can always check out The Bachelor spoilers if you don't want to wait.

Kimberly, one of the girls ousted during the first rose ceremony, got super emotional during her goodbye speech in front of the producers and decided she wasn't taking no rose for an answer. She turned herself around and had a little chat with Chris Soules and earned herself a rose.

That's how it's done, ladies. Plus 10.

Chris Harrison, in that way he has, reminds Chris Soules that "there are no rules" when it comes to love. Why do I get the feeling that reminder is more for the contestants in this reality love competition than the Bachelor? 

There will be two group dates and one one-on-one date tonight, and Drunk Tara gets included in the first group date. C-Soules throws a pool party so he can check out the girls in their bikinis. Minus 8.

But that means we probably get to see shirtless Chris and we know he works out, so Plus 8

Remember how Chris' first date with Andi was a trip to the races? Yeah, keep that in mind. For the second part of their group date, they're going to...RACE TRACTORS. Because nothing says sexy like tractor racing, right? Right. 

Is there a rule against drinking and driving tractors? There probably should be. Except these tractors go so slow they could literally out-walk each other. Minus 8

Ashley I. wins the tractor race and then gets to walk down the streets of LA in her bikini while drinking wine with Chris. So that's...not weird? Weird? Yeah. We'll go with weird. 

Juelia reveals she was married once upon a time and she has a daughter, Ireland. Her husband committed suicide and while she's crying it all out, the other girls are grilling her as nicely as possible. This is a very mixed bag because some of their questions are maybe a little over the top for someone they just met, but it's nice that they're concerned. 

Juelia has a good spirit. There's something about her I like. 

Chris has to give someone the group date rose and he chooses Mackenzie, whose son's name is KALE. (Dear Mackenzie, KALE IS A GARNISH.) Minus 12.

The rest of the girls get to go home while the 21 year old gets to go off with Mackenzie. Tara tries to make lemonade and says that it's good Chris took the initiative because Mackenzie was so nervous. Tara's probably just sad she's not drinking right now. 

Minus 9 to Ashley I. for using the phrase "gypped."

Mackenzie asks Chris if this is his first time in LA. (It isn't.) Then she asks him if he once had his ears pierced. (He did.) She's SO observant. And Chris has a "perfectly prominent nose." 

"She's telling me she likes big noses. This is a little bit weird."-- Chris Soules. Plus 35.

THEN Mackenzie asks if he believes in aliens and when he asks if she's seen aliens, she says "I don't know..." Oh dear god, Chris. Put this girl out of her misery. SEND HER HOME.

She hasn't been on a date in "like, so long." And he asks "what's so long?" "Like...a year." This is painful. So, so painful. Minus 8

"So, uh, wanna know why I haven't been, like, uh, dating?"

"Yeah."

"It's like, super hard, for me to, like, uh, tell you...."

Then she tells him her son's name is Kale and he doesn't even take the opportunity to ask her if he's organic! Minus 15 for the missed opportunity, Chris!

He actually gives her the rose at the end of the date saying he sees something genuine and true in her. Is he blind?? Okay, okay, that's a pretty smooth dip and kiss he does when they're dancing. Pretty smooth.

Back at the house, Megan gets the one on one date card. She's either drunk or really dumb because she doesn't know what the date card means and thinks it's just a love note Chris sent her to read in front of all the other girls. 

Mackenzie is a kisser-and-teller! No, no, no, no, NO! He's dating all these other girls, too, you nitwit! Shut up! SHUT UP! Minus 47.

Chris' spray tan is on point. Not too orange, has the look of a rugged outdoorsman. Plus 9.

Megan and Chris take a flight on a private jet and it looks so small I'm claustrophobic for them just watching it. And after they get off the airplane, they get into a helicopter. 

Megan says there are colorful butterflies in her stomach but with all the literal flying she's been doing, can she even tell?

They are flying over the top of the Grand Canyon and then flying THROUGH IT. OMG. That's beautiful! Plus 13.

Apparently, Megan's presence on The Bachelor is a last-minute thing and her boss set her up for it. Three days after she flew to LA for her first audition with the producers, her dad died. Her story of losing her dad is not at all different from mine and so I find myself suddenly wanting Megan to win. 

That is until she says she wouldn't be there for any of the wrong reasons. If we could never, ever hear that catchphrase in any iteration again that'd be awesome. 

"This is amazing..." she says. And then he makes it more amazing by kissing her. Plus 3. She gets a date rose. And more kissing.

It's time for the second group date of the night and all their date card said was "Til Death Do Us Part." So that's not scary as hell. Except it is. The limos pull up in this super dark area and weird zombie faces start attacking the limos.

These girls all probably think they are about to die on national television. All except Ashley S. who is just...still not blinking. Amber had to take a shot before she got out of the limo. Plus 2.

For their group date, they'll be zombie hunting. Ashley S. doesn't understand that they're only shooting zombies and not each other. Is she drunk? Always drunk? 

Chris walks in leading the girls and he's wearing that gun like he's been wearing that gun his entire life. Some of these girls are locked and loaded and others are, well, definitely not. Don't take them hunting, Chris. If that's even a thing you do.

While a crowd of zombies are coming near them, Ashley S. just...goes walking through them. What is the problem with this girl?

"I'm glad you guys are here. You guys really, um...killed it today..." --Chris Soules. Plus 10.

Back at the house, Jordan is drunk. So drunk she's barely able to stand on her own two feet so she spits on her hands and does a handstand up the wall to twerk on the wall. And then she starts talking about how hairy Jillian's butt is. She's so drunk.

On the date, meanwhile, Ashley S. says she would never shoot a person. Ever. And apparently there are angels in the candle? New thought: Ashley S. is not drunk but her actual, real self is very, very WHOA. 

Kaitlyn gets some one-on-one time with Chris and some kisses. So far his kiss count is up to...4. Plus 8

All of the women can see that Ashley S. is crazy. She's talking about the truth and "Boom" and "go, like go" and then she gets time alone with Chris and tells him she wants him to hide. But she doesn't know if she wants him to hide or if she wants to hide. 

THIS WOMAN IS BANANAS.

She asks what his biggest fear is. Like, spiders, or snakes, or jumping.

Drowning. He's scared of drowning.

"OMG are we in a dome!?" 

I can't decide if she should earn points or lose them. She interrupts his producer interview to say his leather jacket smells really great. He asks if she's holding up okay and she says she's not even sure what he's asking her.

Ashley S: "You don't want to lose your soul."

Chris Soules: "That's a fact."

Britt steals him away and she tells him she believes things are going to work out and she's not stressed. They both have feelings for each other already and Chris gives her a free kiss to compliment the free hug she gave him. So she cashes that in real quick.  Plus 10

He gives the group date rose to Kaitlyn, much to Britt's dismay. Can't win 'em all, Britt. Plus, you're winning his heart so far. 

It's cocktail party time!

Whitney gets her one-on-one time with Chris first and she's set up a little date for him complete with his favorite whiskey. Her brother in law is from Iowa and she hopes that means something good for her. I want to like her, but her voice is so strangely high-pitched. Her idea is cute, though. Plus 9.

Ashley I., who won the tractor race, is a virgin and she's never had a boyfriend. Mackenzie says she's jealous that Ashley's a virgin and she's not because the virginity card is apparently a trump card and Chris will fall instantly in love with Ashley when he finds out. 

This proves exactly how immature Mackenzie is because no, not all dudes are like that. I think? 

But instead of having a serious conversation with him, she let's him...wish on her belly button ring? And he has to rub it first? What? Minus 8

He wishes to kiss her and so he does and she's like crazy handling the back of his head and leaning him over onto her and what is going on right now? This girl is so weird. 

Britt sees the kissing and she's having a meltdown to Alissa about how they're all talking about having the same boyfriend and she really likes him and it's so weird and now Amber's kissing him and all I can think is how many times a night does this guy brush his teeth?

Jordan is still drunk. She says she feels infatuated by Chris and I don't even think she's had any time with him at all. So she interrupts Chris and Juelia after putting on a lot of lipstick and saying that he's been kissing the girls with a lot of lipstick on. Then there's a lull in their conversation and she says she was going to go in for the kill but now it's awkward. 

Dear god, she's so drunk.

Oh god bless you, Chris Harrison! He enters and announces that it's time for the rose ceremony so Chris can put some of these girls out of their misery.

The ladies joining Mackenzie, Kaitlyn, and Megan, who have roses from their dates are:

  • Britt
  • Ashley I.
  • Trina
  • Kelsey
  • Samantha
  • Juelia
  • Amber
  • Tracy
  • Jillian
  • Jade
  • Nikki
  • Becca
  • Carly
  • Whitney
  • Ashley S.

I wish there was something bigger than bold to use for that last one because WHAAAAAAT just happened? Tara, Kimberly (again), Jordan, Alissa, and Tandra.

Tara's crying like her dog just got run over and she never seems to be anybody's number one and she'll get used to rejection one day. Hey girl, confidence. Kimberly got dumped TWICE by the guy. Sheesh!

So, with that, 18 women remain in the competition, and next week promises a big shock! (Don't they all?)

EPISODE TOTAL: 2 SEASON TOTAL: -22

Don't miss a minute of the drama! Remember you can always watch The Bachelor online right here at TV Fanatic!

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Miranda Wicker is a Staff Writer for TV Fanatic. Follow her on Twitter.

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