The Bachelorette Season 13 Episode 2 Review: It's a Dog-Eat-Dog World Out There

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It's hard to decide who stole the show on The Bachelorette Season 13 Episode 2: Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, DeMario's ex-girlfriend or Copper.

Personally, I'd go with the dog (and I'm not talking about DeMario). 

Husband Material - The Bachelorette

It's time for Rachel (and Copper) to get ready for the first round of dates. The men also have to get ready, and do so by drinking mimosas and yelling Rachel's name off of the balcony.

(I'd like to propose adding a 'drink every time the contestants yell "Rachel" off of a balcony rule to this season's drinking game).

Chris Harrison gives out the rules (as if we didn't already know) and delivers the first date card of the season. 

It's a group date, and it starts off with a pickup football game. Lucas is the star of the game, and I'm honestly disappointed with his touchdown dance. There wasn't even a "Whaboom!" 

Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher (yes, THAT Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher) stop by to run a "Husband Material Challenge." Mila and Ashton actually called the producers and asked if they could help Rachel "find love." #StarsTheyreJustLikeUs

That's my girl!

Ashton Kutcher

Never forget that Ashton looks like Jared from Kaitlyn's season. 

Jared and Ashton

Ashton makes a bold prediction that Rachel's husband isn't in this group, and I'd have to believe him based on their abilities to change a diaper.

It's kind of creepy to see the tickle monster (Jonathan) carry a baby bjorn. And also not surprising that he brought the baby with him to the cocktail party after the date.

I mean I poop everyday, so I think I can handle this.

Iggy

During the obstacle course, babies are flying all over the place, and Whaboom's baby is casually drowning in the bathtub. ABC should do something about making sure these men don't have children anytime soon.

Whaboom gives Kenny the Heisman and pulls off the win. He celebrates by spiking the baby. What does Whaboom think this is-- the NFL combine? 

Foul on the play.

Ashton Kutcher

I think we need a spinoff with Ashton and Mila helping people find love. They ask the hard questions like "do you all have jobs?"

Blake, the unemployed drummer, is ready to expose Whaboom for not being here for the right reasons. He should probably give up drumming and pursue a career in detective work.

It turns out our resident Nancy Drew actually lived with Whaboom's ex-girlfriend, which is more scandalous than anything Lucas could be pulling off.

The only two legs I have to stand on are my two legs.

Lucas

Rachel is disappointed by how her individual conversations are going on the group date, but Dean "once you go black you never go back" turns the night around for her. 

He gets the group date rose, and looks like he is on his way to the homecoming dance when he clips it to his plaid shirt. (He's 26, but looks 16).

Dean also gets a kiss, and it is much more natural than her first kiss with Bryan during the premiere.

Peter gets the first one-on-one date of the season, which means I was definitely right about the sparks flying between them when he got out of the limo. 

Rachel's dog joins them on their trip to Palm Springs, and I think that is a sign he is guaranteed to win (Rachel's heart and America's heart).

This one-on-one date at a dog pool party is brought to you by Bark Box and JetSuite. #CasualPlugs

Does Copper's cast have its own Twitter account yet? 

Peter and Rachel are talking about how they both have gaps in their teeth, and how it adds character. I think Alyssa from Mean Girls would also agree.

Mean Girls Alyssa 2

They also realize that they both went to see a therapist after their last failed relationships, so either the producers told him to say that or they are both way too level-headed and responsible for this franchise.

On the second group date, Rachel brings the guys to play basketball with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Rachel had on some black tights that fit her like a Coca Cola bottle.

Josiah

I'm a little confused about all of the real celebrities who signed on to be on this season of The Bachelorette. Throwback to when we thought getting Ice Cube was a big deal.

I can't watch Kareem Abdul-Jabbar without thinking about the time he taught Uncle Jesse how to play basketball on Full House. 

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar on Full House

I can't decide who looks more horrified by this game: Chris Harrison, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar or me.

The only one who can kind of play is DeMario. It's probably the sweatband.

A girl named Lexi shows up at the basketball game and tells Rachel that she has been dating DeMario for seven months. He didn't come home last week, and she saw him show up on The Bachelorette during the After The Final Rose special.

That's one way to breakup with a girl.

DeMario denies having a serious relationship with her and not breaking up with her before the show, but Rachel doesn't believe him. 

He's acting like he belongs in the NBA already!

Lexi brought her phone to show Rachel the text messages, and it's safe to say she's a Real Housewife in training. 

Real Housewives receipts

Rachel sends DeMario home, and he attempts to defend himself in his exit interview, but low key fails. He should have at least faked cried or something.

She also confronts the rest of the men and tells them to come forward if they have a girlfriend. It's a good thing she's talking to such an honest group of men! 

Maybe she should call Jerry Springer to find out.

Rachel manages to stop crying over DeMario long enough to kiss a few men at the post-date party. Josiah brought out his protective side, and it got him the group date rose.

At the cocktail party before the rose ceremony, DeMario shows up to talk to Rachel. I'm more shocked that the security team calls Chris Harrison "Mr. Harrison" than I am that he showed up to get more camera time.

Rachel decides to go talk to him, but I don't know why.  

Like you can go shave your back now, bye DeMario.

Regina George shave your back

Don't forget you can watch The Bachelorette online via TV Fanatic.

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Sarah Hearon is a staff writer for TV Fanatic. Follow her on Twitter.

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