Scandalous secrets ... Not-so-white lies ... Cast and crew still fired up over feminism. Only this time, it’s Quinn who feels the burn … right between her legs. Oh damn!
That's right TV Fanatics; the UnREAL gods gifted us with yet another insane installment of UnREAL Season 3!
It may look like everyone's getting along, but on UnREAL Season 3 Episode 3, Quinn is exposed, Rachel (re)turns into a liar, and Serena's made a fool all in one fell swoop!
Not to mention, there's a new storyline development that's so shocking, we're still just taking it in (insert Jay and Alexi joke here)!
While things are going sideways behind the scenes, poor Serena is still trying to land a damn husband on camera.
On UnREAL Season 3 Episode 2, the man responsible for the Everlasting empire took over as the point person for the Suitress' game. Chet's plan? To catch Serena a permanent partner using his extensive knowledge of the male species.
All you have to do to keep a guy forever is bake him cookies and give him blowjobs.Chet
At the start of Everlasting's new shoot day, Chet's M.O. is beginning to blow up in Serena's face but has yet to burn badly.
The Suitress has arguably landed right where she deserves but doesn't belong -- on the cover of a magazine as "America's Sweetheart."
Serena knows that's not who she is, but continues to indulge Chet's 'helpless woman' vibe, climbing into a Rapunzel costume and awaiting rescue from the dudes down below.
The archaic low-budget combat scene looks, in Quinn's words, like "Game of Thrones puked up Snow White." It is totally beneath Serena and even too cheesy for Everlasting.
And you thought there was no such thing as the reality show going TOO low.
If that wasn’t bad enough, Quinn’s punishing Rachel for not jumping on board despite the show's weakening feminist perspective. So while Rachel’s forced onto the sidelines, Madison’s in charge of Serena. Wah wah.
Smart enough to enlist Chet for cover (of course he's dumb enough to let her), Rachel and Chet go rogue, conducting secret interviews with the men. Interviews which end exactly as you guessed they would, with Jeremy getting in the way of Rachel doing her job yet again.
Why oh why is this dude still here? Lucky for Jeremy he came back far hotter than before he got sober. The combination of those 50 Lbs he lost and that perfect tan he found is the only thing stopping me from jumping through the TV to forcibly remove him from set myself!
Even Chet is sick of Jerky Jeremy's inability to move on from his unrequited love.
You gotta get the taste of Crazy out of your mouth!Chet
It seems like Jeremy will soon be replacing the taste of crazy with the taste of Charlie, the cute camera assistant who just happened to start that very morning. (Lame.)
Serena has just about had enough of the whole princess scenario, complaining she can’t breathe in her getup, to which Madison responds, “Well you look amazing." That does it. The Suitress walks off the set, sending little Maddy packing, right back down to "The B Team."
Thus, there is room for Rachel where she belongs, up at the top.
But down in the control room, Quinn and Rachel are just starting to watch August and Serena's romantic one-on-one. You know, the date Rachel talked the Suitress into, swearing she'd be surprised by their deep connection.
Oh, there's a surprise all right.
August is Quinn's UTI! Surprise!
That puts Rachel in quite the predicament. By the time she's allowed back onto the field, she's coaching a game knowing way too much about the players. Only in THIS game is that a disadvantage.
When Serena comes to Rachel post-perfect date with August, what else could she possibly do but reach into her old bag of tricks and pull out a dash of dishonesty?
Once she tells Serena there's no reason NOT to be excited about Mr. Man Bun; we're no longer dealing with the fresh and innocent Rachel who showed up lie-free on UnREAL Season 3 Episode 1.
It is Rachel Goldberg we're talking about here. The Rachel Goldberg we know doesn't do a dash of anything. The Rachel we know tells one lie and cannot stop.
Lying is like breathing to me. It's so easy and it feels so good. I just want more and more.Rachel
What Rachel wants, Rachel gets. Sure, when Jasper lets it slip to the other guys that he's there on a bet, it makes Rachel's life difficult, but not impossible.
As we watch Rachel sell each guy a different story about the plan to tell (or not to tell) Serena about the bet, she lies to each one that HE's the favorite and single-handedly masterminds Jasper's epic save from Elimination.
Despite the dirty dealings going around set, It's a relief to finally get beyond the treacherous tug of war for control of the Suitress. Now we can sit back and enjoy the Everlasting we came to see, as the competition for Serena's heart FINALLY gets interesting. Hallelujah!
Though you've gotta feel for the Suitress, as she finds herself in a seriously sicko situation.
Rachel and Quinn are both lying to her. Chet’s no longer the Husband Whisperer. Madison’s still hiding plenty of her own, and now Jay's saddled with the truth about Alexi’s sexuality.
Who does that leave Serena to trust? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
It looks like the Suitress may just have to trust the one person she knows will have her back - herself. Uh oh. Isn't that how she ended up on Everlasting in the first place?
It's Crazy that she’s already been jerked around so much by cast and crew, and the party's only just begun!
However, the party’s over for Quinn and August. It couldn't have helped matters when Rachel got in Quinn's face, accusing her of self-sabotage.
Quinn fired back about how tough it is for her, covering up Rachel’s messes and continually rescuing her.
Quinn: Rachel always does whatever the hell she wants. It starts with a few B -Roll interviews next thing you know two people are dead at the bottom of a ditch.
Rachel: I am just trying to help you.
Quinn: Well don’t. I don’t want it.
Rachel, broken down in tears, is desperate for Quinn's love.
Rachel: You begged me to come back.
Quinn: I wanted my dragon back, not this mess.
But that's not at all the takeaway as to where the dysfunctional besties stand.
Clearly, Madison still has Gary’s ear (and his d*ck in her mouth), since she generously offers to talk to him about replacing Quinn when she's sent to rehab.
Oh Madison, you are so young and so dumb. After she outs the bartender for saying Quinn's gone through a cart of vodka a week, Rachel fires his ass for talking smack about their boss.
Quinn, meanwhile, having fought with Rachel and ended it with August, has had a long, hard day. Our reward?
A rare moment the public never sees -- Quinn broke down, crying, in both physical and mental pain.
Quinn may be tough, but she's only human. That's why it's so significant that even though Quinn just lashed out at Rachel, reducing her to tears, Rach still has Quinn's back.
Their relationship may be a bit unsteady, but they're in this whole thing together, no matter what.
You may recall, on UnREAL Season 3 Episode 2, Dr. Simon accused Rachel of using essential honesty as a shield to deflect blame onto others for her actions.
Lying all over the set has helped give Rachel some clarity: she has indeed been hiding behind her essential honesty. She confides in Dr. Simon and comes clean about the accident (so much for that Blood Oath).
It's surprising to hear her now admit going to Jeremy made the car crash happen. Even crazier?
"The truth is, it was really kind of thrilling to have that power.”
Oh, Rachel, that's DARK.
Not dark enough for the doctor's taste. Rachel being honest about the accident was a start, but not enough. She needs to find the root of her issues, and he wants to help her.
Dr. Simon: Where does your darkness come from?
Rachel: It's not Quinn. She's the only real person in my life.
Dr. Simon: Then what? Or who?
When Rachel's back in her truck, looking at pictures of a man we've never seen, we can't help but assume this is the root of her darkness.
If you watch UnREAL online, you're all too familiar with Rachel's evil mother. On UnREAL Season 2, Rachel revealed the woman who gave her life also made it hell, when one of her mother's patients raped Rachel at age 12.
Could this be the face of her rapist? And if so ... then what now, Rachel?
As for what to look forward to next: here's hoping that Quinn's back to her best self with a cooled-down cooch, so we won't have to endure another minute without her classic Quinn-isms.
Who knew how much we'd miss hearing her shout orders like, "Goldberg, go make my pussy wet!"
Kind of UnREAL, isn't it?
Rebecca Eisen was a staff writer for TV Fanatic. She retired in September 2018.