In this crazy television world in which we live, we had several debuts this week, including the return of The Librarians and Elementary and the series premiere of Ash vs Evil Dead.
Elsewhere, snark seems to be the tone as many characters were dripping with it, from Gibbs on NCIS, Eastman on The Walking Dead and Cisco on The Flash.
Scroll through the slideshow to see what else was said throughout the week! Don’t forget to share it with your friends!
The Librarians
Eve: Shakespeare had a friend who was a wizard?! Kinda buried the lede there.
Blue Bloods
Reverend Potter: I’ve been waiting a long time for this. Frank Reagan coming to me hat in hand. Frank: I don’t wear hats.
Supergirl
Cat: Every woman worth her salt knows that we have to work twice as hard as a man to be thought of as half as good.
Ash vs Evil Dead
Ash: The first thing I gotta do is see a man about a book. There must be some spell I can say to undo all this. The other first thing I gotta do is some cardio, my heart is jackhammering like a quarterback on prom night.
Scandal
Liz: This. This isn’t you. You’re a weasly little troll, and I don’t like you, and I don’t respect you, and I think you’re pathetic. David: Is there a point here, or…
Hawaii Five-0
Grover: It’s filthy, good grief; he must have killed the maid too.
Doctor Who
Walsh: Any living thing in this world, including my family and friends could turn into a Zygon and kill me. Any second now. It’s not paranoia when it’s real.
Homeland
Dar Adal: You have a working theory? Allison: Somebody betrayed us. Dar Adal: Ya think?
Gotham
Bullock: Guys like Galavan are born on third base. Stealing homeplate is practically a birth right.
Quantico
Simon: I’ll be sneaky. I promise. It’s not like we both didn’t learn how, right?
The Good Wife
Cary: And I’ve heard you more than once joke about the pole stuck up Diane’s ass. Diane: Excuse me?
The Walking Dead
Eastman: What’s your name? Morgan: Kill me. Eastman: That’s a stupid name. It’s dangerous, you should change it.
The Grinder
Dean: These women don’t want to make love to me, they want to have a filthy one night stand with the Grinder so they can tell their friends about it. Stewart: What a nightmare that must be for you.
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
Rebecca: The new me is making healthier choices. Greg: You sound like that weird butter commercial.
Scorpion
Toby: I just need Happy to see me in a more manly, less academic light. Cabe: You want more manly? Lose the hat already. And if Happy were interested in you, she would have been there.
The Leftovers
Matt: My wife woke up the first night we arrived in your town. It’s the only time in over three years she’s talked to me and there may be no way to prove it, but it happened, and I won’t ever say it didn’t. I don’t want your wristband. Mary found hers, so she’s back where she belongs. I have no doubt that she’s going to wake up again soon, and when she does, I’m going to come back, and you and I will have a talk.
Major Crimes
Sharon: I’m not allowed to ask the DA if my son can interview a murder suspect.
The Big Bang Theory
Penny: Does the study say what happens to unpopular kids? Leonard: You tell me. You woke up in bed with one.
The Vampire Diaries
Alaric: She’s been sleeping for 12 hours. That’s normal, right? Bonnie: Yesterday she was dead. Today she’s alive. I’m not sure normal applies.
Fargo
Lou: There’s a look a boy gets when he’s been shot or a landmine takes off his legs. And he’s laying there in the mud, trying to get up. ‘Cuz he doesn’t feel it yet. His brain hasn’t caught up with the reality which is, he’s already dead Peggy: Ed… he’s scaring me. Lou: But we see it. The rest of us. And we lie. We say, “Lay still. You’re gonna be fine.” If you’d been to war, you’d know the look. See, you and Peggy… you got the look. You still think it’s Tuesday. You have no idea what’s coming.
Jane the Virgin
Michael: You okay? Petra: Just a little nauseous. Michael: Yeah, probably karma.
Awkward
Lacey: What are you doing home? Is it over? Oh my God. Did prom burn down? Jenna: No, just my night.
Elementary
Sherlock: Justice is like an orgasm. It can never come too late.
Arrow
Laurel: I’m sorry about what happened to Thea. I really am. I love your family, I always have. I just wish that sometimes you would give a damn about mine.
Wicked City
Allison Roth: Nothing goes with chocolate chip pancakes like anal contusions.
The Flash
Cisco: You know, our Dr. Wells may have been evil, but you’re just a dick.
iZombie
Major: So far it sounds like all of our problems could be solved with condoms and rock salt.
Chicago Fire
Casey: Will, do everything you can for the baby. If it comes down to a choice, you save my girl. Will: Matt, truth time, when I’m in there she’s the only one I’m trying to save.
Limitless
Brian: Life goes by really fast. If you don’t stop to look around sometimes, you could miss it.
NCIS
Gibbs: Who are you? Lyle: I’m Lyle. Gibbs: Shut up, Lyle
NCIS: New Orleans
Brody: Still haven’t said why you’re in tow. Hovercraft conference, invisibility cloak expo? Olivia: So close, but you know I don’t work for Hogwarts anymore.
Scream Queens
Chanel: Why do you have NINE tampons? How big is your cooch?!
Rosewood
Hornstock: Everyone you interact with loves you. It drives me nuts.
Empire
Andre: You put me in charge. Lucious: No, I put you in place. Don’t confuse the two.
Law & Order: SVU
Benson: With all due respect, this was not an immaculate conception.
Madam Secretary
Sec. Elizabeth McCord: So, he’s done picking up weapons at the Pentagon, and he doesn’t have any lunch plans?
Once Upon a Time
Merida: Oh go ahead, crush it. Better that than helping you with your dirty work.
Agents of SHIELD
Hunter: Is that a person? Daisy: Oh God. Hunter: Is he dead? Daisy: No they’re monitoring him. He’s alive. Mack: But in, some kind of what… a coma? Daisy: This is ATCU. This is where they’re storing Inhumans they find. Like animals in cages.
How to get Away with Murder
Eve: Did the two of you kill her together? Oh great, so now I’m going to have to defend both of you. Nate: I did it. On my own. Annalise: She called me first, asked me for pills. Eve: Of course she did. Because who doesn’t ask their husband’s mistress to offer?
You’re the Worst
Gretchen: Jimmy is a writer. Lexi: Oh! For what show? Jimmy: [snorts] Not for television. God, can you imagine?
Chicago PD
Kirby: It’s initiation, it happens to everybody. But Ethan went nuts, he came after me with a fire extinguisher. I swear, he was trying to kill me. Atwater: By extinguishing you?
The Mysteries of Laura
Max: Hey! That’s my Christmas list, but feel free to write all over it.
The Affair
Robert: Don’t let anybody fool you into getting old. They wax on and on about it being really satisfying. You know what’s really satisfying? Cartilage.
American Horror Story: Hotel
Iris: You don’t miss a thing do you? Liz: You see everything when the world doesn’t see you.
The Bastard Executioner
Lady Love: One has to try compromise before combat. Only then can I justify the swing of the sword as a way to peace.
Criminal Minds
Morgan: I swear, from the bottom of my heart, I want to be healed. I want to be like other men, not this outcast who nobody wants – E.M. Forster
Supernatural
Dean: Bottled toilet water? Why do you keep spraying it? Sam: I wanted to see if the squeezy thing worked.
Code Black
Dr. Mark Taylor: I went to an acupuncturist long ago for fertility — Dr. Ho. He inserted one needle, and before you know it, I had my very own millennial. Which is Latin for “unemployed.”
Bones
Seeley: So sex is going to make us smarter and help us solve the crime.
Grey’s Anatomy
Callie: You don’t teach by shoving someone else’s face in the dirt. That’s just being mean. And small.
Haven
Gloria: If you’re looking for Conan, he took off. Nathan: Did he say where? Gloria: No, but if he’s pissed as I think he was and he was looking for me? I’d just shoot myself in the head and be done with it.
The Blacklist
Red: Dead? Pish, posh. What’s death? It’s just a process, right?
