Find out what’s going on in the world of television dialogue!
You aren’t reading this, are you?
Go forth, be with the quotes.
The Vampire Diaries
Dorian: How dumb do you think I am? Seline: On a scale from Matt to Alaric, you’re right in the middle.
The Young Pope
Lenny: I will never get over my aversion to tourists. Gutierrez: Why is that Holy Father? Lenny: Because they are just passing through.
The Blacklist
Red: I’d stand, but after all these years, I still get aroused when I close a deal.
Gotham
Bullock: Doesn’t anyone die in Gotham anymore?
The Affair
Grieving Girl: What’d you do? Alison: I had an affair. I wouldn’t recommend it. It didn’t turn out well.
NCIS: Los Angeles
Hetty: A friend and an early mentor always used to say, ‘A woman is like a teabag. You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water.’
The Librarians
Charlene: Do you guys always do a recap before you go on a job? No wonder your missions take so long.
Sherlock
Mycroft: Doctor Watson, why would he do that to me, that was insane! John: Yes, well, someone convinced him that you wouldn’t actually tell the truth unless you were actually wetting yourself. Mycroft: Someone? John: Probably me.
Madam Secretary
Elizabeth: Not only did Minister Chen undercut our deal at the last minute, he chose to do so in a very public and embarrassing way. Blake: So he…he trolled us? Susan: Arguably tried to bigfoot us. Elizabeth: I believe the correct diplomatic term he “pantsed” us.
Emerald City
Tip: So you’re saying my only choice as a girl is as a nun or whore? West: Did I mention we sleep in?
Shadowhunters
Maia: Well, you look like you could use a drink…and a towel. Jace: Just…umm…just your phone? Maia: I would ask what happened to yours, but I guess it got wet. Jace: It’s a long story. Maia: Well I’m stuck here all night and I hear Shadowhunters like to hear themselves talk. What? You didn’t think I wouldn’t recognize those runes on the back of your neck?
Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events
Violet: Why do you hate us so much? Olaf: Because it’s fun.
The Bachelor
Corinne: I have tried so many times to make cheese pasta… but I can’t make cheese pasta like her.
Scorpion
Veronica: I mean yes I threw you in the deep end when you were a child, but you learned how to swim on your own. Paige: You’re turning abandonment into a recipe for successful parenting? Veronica: You can’t argue with success.
Timeless
Rufus: Crackerjack. I used to love these as a kid. George: As a kid? Those debuted at the Fair yesterday.
Lucifer
Lucifer: Are you jealous detective? Chloe: No. I’m just trying to piece together a timeline. A lot can happen in five minutes. Lucifer: You can’t be suggesting… Chloe: …that you slept with her? I’m not. Lucifer: But that I’m a two-pump chump? If we slept together, she wouldn’t have left until the morning. Believe me.
Bones
Aubrey: This is a black kale, chia smoothie. Booth: Why are you drinking that? Did you lose a bet or something? Brennan: Do you have an infected lesion?
Homeland
Saul: She’ll learn to love us. Dar: I’m not sure where all this rosy optimism is coming from, but I don’t like it.
Taboo
Atticus: What’s the smallest thing you’ve ever seen? Delaney: Human kindness.
Being Mary Jane
Kara: Let me guess. The Comedian. Mary Jane: That boy is no joke. He kept me up all night.
Teen Wolf
Lydia: You’re going to bite Stiles. Scott: To get him through the rift, it’s the only way. Peter: Just to clarify, are you going to bite everyone in the train station. Scott: With Stiles back, he’ll be able to help us figure out a plan. Malia: He’s good at that. Peter: So the plan is to get Stiles to come up with a plan. Malia: You can shut up now.
Agents of SHIELD
Mack: If he gets any further up Talbot’s ass, he’ll need a snorkel.
This Is Us
Rebecca: I’ve been acting out lately. I’ve been terrible to your dad who is just perfect. He is just perfect. Oh my God, you guys are going to freak out when you see how awesome your dad is. Seriously, you are gonna be huge fans.
Shooter
Memphis: How many men can Swagger take out? Isaac: I don’t know. Memphis: Well how about an estimate? Isaac: A shitload.
Bull
Bull: When you have to remind people your relationship is legal and consensual, you have a problem.
NCIS: New Orleans
LaSalle [to Percy]: Tease me about being a country mouse all you want, but it’s about to pay off.
NCIS
Quinn: Do you believe in miracles? Gibbs: No. Quinn: Do you believe in Abby? Gibbs: With all my heart!
Salem
Mary: You would damn generations to hell on earth because of your own bitter heart?! Anne: You are absolutely right, I would. Happily. I would turn the earth into a bitter desert in the very image of my heart!
Vikings
Bjorn: We are all equally Ragnar’s sons, but we are not equal in battle. So I will take the lead. I will establish the battle plans, and I will give the orders. Do you understand that?
Lethal Weapon
Murtaugh: Hey, why don’t you write something about a coroner with a big ass afro who keeps looking for love in all the dead places? [Riggs and Murtaugh laugh] Scorsese: It’s always the bald guys with the hair jokes. It’s all you have left. Murtaugh: Look, that’s your future. [points at his bald head] Look into the crystal ball.
Star
Miss Bruce: Don’t get it twisted, sweetie. I am more of a man than you will ever be and more of a woman than you will ever get.
Law & Order: SVU
Sara: Yeah, I definitely talked to him. Benson: Okay well we spoke to him as well and he said that you two had consensual sex. Sara: We did? Well, I don’t remember that, or anything else for that matter. Okay, is that it? Benson: No, there’s one more thing. Sara, the lab results came back and it showed two separate semen samples. Sara: Two samples. Are you saying two men raped me?
Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce
Mitchell: Where is the fun, the energy?! You’ve got a whole section here on the duality of the inner goddess. Barbara: I thought it was interesting context. Mitchell: SheShe doesn’t do context. This read like a college thesis paper. Barbara: OK. I’ll take another pass. But just to be clear, you wanted my distinct voice. THIS is my voice. Mitchell: Yeah, your voice is kind of a drag.
Chicago PD
Father McSorley: Let’s be brutally honest, the history of young black men with Chicago police,has not been glorious.
Blindspot
Weller: I built a nursery for my baby who’s not going to be there. Sounds a little dumb but my whole apartment feels empty now. Jane: That doesn’t sound dumb.
SIX
Buddha: I’m just going to say this, okay? I’m getting out.
The Big Bang Theory
Penny: Pink wine and pizza bagels? It’s like 8th grade all over again.
Colony
Woman: You are about to enter a select group. The question for humanity is not where we have been, it’s where we are going. Are prepared read to accept that truth? Maddie: Yes, I am. Woman: Will you safeguard the secrets of our Movement, even from friends and family, and will you accept that the punishment for violating your oaths, but upon everyone you love? Maddie: I do. Woman: Then rise, Maddie Kenner, and receive your welcome into The Greatest Day.
Chicago Med
Dr. Latham: Can you explain what that was about? Sarah: They didn’t call you because they don’t think you’re very good with emotionally distraught people. Dr. Latham: Thank you for your candor.
Nashville
Avery: Looks like you have F.O.M.O. Will: What’d you call me? Avery: F.O.M.O. — fear of missing out.
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
Paula: So everytime Josh touches you it’s like total goosebumps, right? Rebecca: Uh, yeah. Yeah. Oh my god, he like, kisses my neck it’s totally goose bump city. My skin looks like a cold raw chicken.
Hawaii Five-0
Danny: His mouth has not moved in 3 1/2 minutes. Chin: Maybe she’s got him on hold. Danny: No. No. His nostrils are flaring, he’s pacing like a maniac and he just switched his phone from his right hand to his left hand like he wants to punch someone.
Blue Bloods
Danny: Well I’d like to beat the crap out of you, but guess what, sometimes we don’t always get what we want, do we?
Grimm
Wu: We should have killed Renard when we *didn’t* have the chance.
