Doctor [at a vasectomy consultation]: Actually, you'll be able to perform the same way you did before.
Charlie: Great. But what about creativity? You see, I write music for a living. Will I still be able to do that?
Doctor: Do you write with your testicles?
Charlie: No.
Doctor: Then it shouldn't be a problem

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Charlie Harper
Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 24: "Can You Feel My Finger?"
Two and a Half Men
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Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 24 Quotes

Doctor: Now, let me ask you a question. Do you have children already?
Charlie: No.
Doctor: Okay, then you might want to consider freezing some sperm, just in case you change your mind.
Charlie: Frozen sperm? I don't know.
Doctor: Why not?
Charlie: Well, you know, when you freeze shrimp, it's never as good as fresh.
Doctor: That's really not the same thing.
Charlie: So you know for a fact that frozen kids are just as good as the regulars?

Charlie: Okay, let me try this again. A vasectomy is a very simple procedure.
Jake: Are you sick??
Charlie: No, no, no, I'm perfectly healthy. It's just a procedure so that I don't have babies by accident.
Jake: Oh, yeah, like we had to do with Scout.
Charlie: Scout?
Alan: The dog we had. Couldn't keep it in his fur! Keep going, you're doing great.
Charlie: Jake, it's not exactly the same with people as it is with dogs.
Jake: I know... Why don't you just wear a condom?