Troy: According to our polls, the campus is almost evenly divided. Now keep in mind, the margin of error on this thing is about 98%.
Abed: Could be higher. We don't even know how to do margins of error. We talked to two people at a vending machine.
SS Agent: Is there a specific reason you had to repeat the first grade?
Abed: From what I'm told, I didn't know how to use scissors, I sat in the middle of the see-saw, and I always found the distinction between duck and goose to be arbitrary.
Abed: For Greendale College Television, I'm Abed Nadir.
Troy: And I'm Troy "Butt Soup" Barnes. What? That's my name.
SS Agent: I could issue a warning for this bootleg of "The Last Airbender."
Abed: Where were you a week ago?
Troy: Jeff, what do you do when you and your best friend want to ask the same girl to Valentine's Day but neither of you have dibs 'cause both of you fell in love with her at the first sight?
Jeff: Well, I don't believe in dibs, or love at first sight, or love, or best friends, or doing things, but it's good you brought this to me.
Abed (regarding Pierce's character): He's face down, barely breathing, a pool of blood around him.
Shirley: I can't tell you how long I've dreamed of this moment! In the game.
Pierce: I can't hear you over the sound of me rubbing his sword on my balls.
Abed: You have successfully rubbed your balls on the sword.
Annie: I'm... ew, Hector the well-endowed? Abed!
Abed: I didn't know you'd pick one at random. I made that one with Troy in mind.
Getting rid of drugs was a good I-Bee-A.
Abed: Do you think bees eat their own honey?
Troy: I'm sure they've at least tasted it.
Is Pierce marijuana, and does marijuana help people move faster? I thought it just made them custom paint vans and solve mysteries.
Abed: It's the first season of Lost on DVD.
Pierce: That's the meaning of Christmas?
Abed: No it's a metaphor. It represents lack of payoff.