Troy: I'm a dracula.
Abed: You mean a vampire?
Troy: I don't need to know which dracula I am to be a dracula. Nerd.

Dear God, my movie is the worst piece of crap I have ever seen in my entire life... I've got a real 'Snakes on a Plane' brewing.

He was like E.T., Edward Scissorhands, and Marty McFly combined.

Shirley: The Bible has been called the greatest story ever told.
Abed: Ben Lyons said the same thing about I Am Legend.

Abed: Here. Right next to the truck stop with three thumbs.
Pelton: Those aren't thumbs.

I painted a tunnel on the side of the library. When it dries, I'm going for it.

TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules. And likable leading men... We have you.

Abed [to Jeff]

I'm hoping we can move away from the soap-y relationship-y stuff and into bigger, fast-paced, self-contained escapades.

Troy: I think I got half of it, which got me through the half I didn't.
Abed: Like the first season of The Wire.

Come with me if you don't wanna get paint on you.

To be blunt, Jeff and Britta is no Ross and Rachel. Your chemistry and sexual tension are putting us all on edge, which is ironically, and hear this on every level, you're keeping us from being friends.

Henry David Thoreau Diet Squirt.

Abed [on his porn name]

Community Quotes

Sensible night, appropriate night.
Snow on ground, left and right.
Round yon purchase of decorative things.
Tolerant rewrite of carols to sing.
Function with relative ease,
Function with relative ease.

Shirley [sung to the tune of "Silent Night"]

Annie: How much effort am I worth?
Jeff: I'd break a light sweat.