Carmela: What kind of animal smokes marijuana at his own confirmation?
A.J.: I don't know.
Carmela: Be a good Catholic for fifteen fucking minutes; is that so much to ask?!

Livia: I know your father doesn't let you come down here.
A.J.: That's not true. He just doesn't want us to talk about you in the house.
Livia: He can go shit in his hat.

A.J.: There is no God.
Carmela and Tony: Hey!!

Livia: Why does everything have to have a purpose? The world is a jungle and if you want my advice Anthony, don't expect happiness. You won't get it. People let you down and I'm not naming any names but in the end you die in your own arms.
A.J.: You mean alone.
Livia: It's all a big nothing. What makes you think you're so special?

Carmela: You could have killed those girls.
A.J.: Now that would have been interesting.
Carmela: What? What did you just say?
A.J.: Death just shows the ultimate absurdity of life.
Tony: What is this? Are you trying to get me to lose my temper? Cause I'm about to put you through that Goddamn window.
A.J.: See? That's what I mean. Life is absurd.
Carmela: Don't say that! God forgive you.
A.J.: There is no God.

Meadow: I could've taken ecstasy but I didn't.
A.J.: Don't puke on the floor.
Tony: What're you doin' up?! Go to bed.
A.J.: She fools around with ecstasy and you yell at me?

Tony: Why did I buy a fucking off-road vehicle?
A.J.: To waste petrochemical resources.

Carmela: Anthony, what does a gentleman do for a lady?
A.J.: In his own house?!

How could it be a joke if you're crying?

A.J.: Hey grandma, how come you're not supposed to breathe in the cemetery?
Livia: Who says?
Junior: It's a joke for chrissakes! Say, "why?"
A.J.: Because you'll make the dead people jealous.

Livia Soprano: (to A.J.) Come over here, say a hail mary for your grandfather.
Uncle Junior: Lay off, he's a kid.
Livia Soprano: So he should neglect his elders, just like his father?
Uncle Junior: Yeah, real scamp.
Livia Soprano: My son, the mental patient.

So what, no fucking ziti now?


The Sopranos Quotes

Junior: A Chinaman goes to see the eye doctor. After the exam the doctor said, "I know why you're having trouble." The Chinaman says, "why?" Doctor said, "you have a cataract." Chinaman says, "no, I have a Rincoln Continental." (short pause) You don't get it?
Bobby: I get it. He drives a Lincoln Continental. What?

(to Junior) Remember the story you told me about the father bull talking to the son. They're up on this hill and looking down on a bunch of cows. And the son goes to the father, "Dad, why don't we run down there and fuck one of these cows?" Now do you remember what the father said? Father says, "Son, why don't we walk down there and fuck them all?"