Popular Alan Harper Quotes
Alan: I think you know what you have to do.
Charlie: Um... break up with Miss Pasternak, right?
Alan [about Jake]: Hell, no, he's getting A's. He hasn't gotten an A since nap time in kindergarten.
Charlie: But he's not learning anything!
Alan: Charlie, get your priorities straight; I'm trying to get him into a decent middle school! After he's accepted, he can learn that Sacajawea wasn't... [reading Jake's test answer]: "a bag full of Jawea".
Dorothy: Alan?
Alan: Uh, yes.
Dorothy: I haven't seen you in thirty-five years.
Alan: No kidding. Uh, I'm sorry, I...I...I don't remember you.
Dorothy: Oh, well I'm not surprised. At the time you were busy learning to use the big boy potty.
Alan: Ah, well. I did it!
Alan: Why don't you just get snipped?
Charlie: You mean a vasectomy?
Alan: Yeah.
Charlie: Well, then, say "vasectomy". Don't say "snipped"!
Alan: What's wrong with "snipped"?
Charlie: It's demeaning. "Snipped" is what you get for twelve bucks at Supercuts.
Charlie: Hey, if you listened to me in the first place, you wouldn't be in this mess. I'm the one who told you not to marry her.
Alan: You're also the one who told me that if I jumped off the garage roof with a bath towel tied around my neck, I could fly to school.
Charlie: The one time you listen to me.
Alan: Let me tell you another thing: if I hadn't married Judith, there would be no Jake.
Charlie: I didn't say you couldn't knock her up!
Alan: Before we got here, this was just a big empty space where you just sat around, got drunk, and had casual sex with women you don't even care about. There was no love, no family, and no meaning.
Charlie: There's a word for that, Alan: Utopia.
In my entire life, Chester is the only living thing I ever slept with that didn't sue me for alimony
Charlie [about Kandi]: Congratulations, Alan, it looks like you've officially boinked her brains out.
Alan: Okay, so she's not overly sophisticated.
Berta: Sophisticated? She's two marbles rolling around in a tin can.
Alan: Hey, hey, she's got a great heart, she's warm and loving, and she genuinely cares for me.
Berta: I stand corrected... one marble
Charlie [locked in the bathroom]: There is no bad Alan. I'm the one who stole the Silly Putty and put it in your pocket when you weren't looking. Three, four, five, six, seven...
Alan: Damn you to hell! Come out here and die like a man!
Charlie: What do you know, there is a bad Alan
Alan: You earned that A.
Jake: Wendy Chow got an A+.
Evelyn: There, you hear that? Wendy Chow got an A plus.
Alan: Wendy Chow is a freak of nature! She cloned a goldfish for the science fair! We can't compare Jake to her.
Evelyn: Well, who should we compare him to, then: the paste eaters and the unibrows?
Alan: Fine. Why don't you get a vasectomy?
Charlie: I've considered it. In fact, a couple of years ago, I believe there was a petition circulating.
Who will 'Old Alan' be able to count on? Certainly not Jake, 'cause let's face it, his best hope of a steady income is if missing the toilet becomes a professional sport
I'm implying that there may be better choices for a babysitter than a woman who has a sandwich named after her at the Betty Ford Clinic
