Popular Alan Harper Quotes
Alan: Why is the vacuum cleaner out?
Charlie: Because we were ankle deep in bunny poop.
Alan: Were you drinking last night?
Charlie: Yes, but that's not the point
Alan: Iced tea?
Charlie: I decided when you try to mail your pants to a garment inspector in Malaysia, it's time to quit drinking.
Alan: Some might have said that day come and went when you gave yourself that haircut.
Alan: You plan on kicking me out when mom dies?
Charlie: You plan on being here when mom dies?
Charlie: Oh, by the way, you need to buy Kandi a diamond necklace.
Alan: Wha-What?
Charlie: You told me to cover for you. I said you were out buying her jewelry.
Alan: That's all you could think of?
Charlie: Well, I could think of a lot of things, but only one made me laugh.
Alan: I can't afford to buy her jewelry.
Charlie: I know, that's what makes it funny
Alan: He's worried that when he grows up, he won't be smart enough to have sex.
Judith: Why would he think that?
Alan: Because he hears you giving Herb instructions like he's a blind guy in a mine field
When i was in high school, I was dating a poster of Molly Ringwald.
Alan: Once the profits start rolling in, I could move out.
Charlie: And once I start growing boobs I could start working the lunch shift at Les Girls, Girls, Girls.
Alan: Are you really that superficial, vain and shallow?
Charlie: Yes. Yes. And yes.
Jake: Hey, Dad, did you get Mom a present when you got divorced?
Alan: A present?
Jake: Yeah, a memento of your time together.
Alan: Jake, buddy, you're the memento of our time together.
Jake: So you're too cheap to get her earrings.
Alan: She did better than earrings. She got my family jewels.
Alan: I'm in trouble here, Charlie. How do I get out of a stagnant, joyless relationship?
Charlie: If I knew how to do that, you wouldn't still be living here.
Kandi: Why would I fantasize about having sex while I'm having sex? Do you think about ham and cheese when you're eating a sandwich?
Alan: Can't argue with that
Alan [about Jake]: What's the matter with him?
Judith: His little girlfriend broke up with him.
Alan: Oh, no.
Judith: Yeah, I was hoping you could talk to him, because, let's face it, who knows more about getting dumped?
Alan: You don't have to flatter me, Judith. I'll talk to him.
