Charlie: Why'd you change your friggin hair?
Alan: My girlfriend asked me to.
Charlie: If your new girlfriend asked you to jump off a bridge, would you?
Alan: If she put her tongue in my mouth while she asked me...
Charlie: I can't blame you. I once bought a woman a car for the same reason.
Alan: She put her tongue in your mouth?
Charlie: Sure. Let's say mouth.

Berta: Oh crap.
Alan: What?
Berta: Just a little disappointed. I saw Chelsea's car in the driveway and didn't see yours.

Jake: What's the deal are, they back together or was that just a booty call?
Alan: What do you know about booty calls?
Jake: In theory? Everything.

Alan: I'm just supposed to leave my car by the side of the road. What happens if someone tries to steal it?
Charlie: Good thinking. Leave the keys, gas money and a thank you note.

Alan: Don't insult the green lifestyle. I work very hard to reduce my carbon footprint.
Charlie: You're a mooch and a miser, don't try and make it sound hip.

Charlie: I'm hammered, how's it going to look if I get a DUI spying on my ex-girlfriend.
Alan: He's very responsible about drinking and stalking.

Charlie: I can't believe she's already dating.
Alan: You're kidding right? The day after she moved out you ran off to Vegas to marry a stripper.
Charlie: We grieve in different ways. Besides, the stripper was already married so no harm, no foul.

Charlie: I'm gonna hate this movie.
Alan: How do you know?
Charlie: Because it has subtitles. The only good subtitles are for Nazis, drug lords and space aliens. Oh and kung fu.

Alan: I think we should call the police.
Berta: Nah, he'll show. He may be broke and riddled with gonorrhea, but he'll find his way home.

Charlie: If I can't haive chelsea, I don't want to live.
Alan: Where are you going?
Charlie: Strip club.
Alan: Ah yes, death by lap dance.

Charlie: I can't go in there, it reminds me too much of Chelsea.
Alan: The bathroom?
Charlie: It's where she used to brush her hair, floos her, and tinkle like a princess.
Alan: Okay, where have you been tinkling?
Charlie: I need a new ficus.

Berta: Damnit Charlie, get out of that water!
Alan: We need to go after him.
Berta: Don't look at me! I just ate, I gotta wait a half an hour.
Alan: Well I just took a shower and washed my hair, this is leave in conditioner.
Berta: What about Jake?
Alan: Jake's at this mother's.
Berta: Maybe we should give him a call.
Alan: There's no time!
Charlie [comes back soaking]: Water's really cold.
Alan: Just so you know we were about to come get you.

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: You're like an Alzheimer's patient in a whorehouse.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you're getting screwed, and you don't want to pay for it