Alan Harper Quotes
Berta: Where you going?
Charlie: Out for a swim
Alan: You never go in the water.
Charlie: That's because I'm not a good swimmer.
Alan: You don't think he's gonna?
Berta: I dunno?
Alan: Charlie, stop this!
Berta: Charlie! Come back it's not that bad!
Alan: Come on, Charlie! You still have your family!
Berta: Very smart, now he's sprinting.
Alan: If you want dessert, have an apple.
Jake: Not funny, Dad.
Alan: You know we don't have to go out to dinner just because it's my birthday.
Melissa: Don't be silly. This is a very special night. How many times do you turn forty?
Alan: In my family, three or four.
Melissa: Well, the first one is the one that counts.
What can I say about Charlie? So many words come to mind, but so few that you can say in church. But we'll give it a shot. Charlie was a man of love. He loved his friends, he loved his family, but most of all he loved his penis, the only part of him that ever had an actual job. Anyway this was a man that was so full of love that it would actually ooze out of him, at which point he would see a doctor. But I kid the deceased whoremonger.
Charlie: I'm gonna leave this world the way I came in.
Alan: By Caesarean section?
Charlie: Alone.
Alan: This rat has quit the race.
Charlie: Good for you.
Alan: This hamster is off the treadmill.
Charlie: Glad to hear it.
Alan: This squirrel is satisfied with the nuts he has.
Charlie: No comment.
Alan: Oh, you poor guy, you have to drive 45 minutes to get laid.
Charlie: And 45 minutes to get back!
Charlie: I'm an artist; I paint with words.
Alan: You're a lush; you paint with vomit.
Judith: How did I blow another marriage?
Alan: Oh, Sweetie, you can't blame yourself, although you are the common denominator.
Charlie: (about the jock strap) Think you can fit your junk into that?
Jake: I'll make it fit, let's just go.
Charlie: No, no, put it on over your pants, we'll take a look.
Jake: (embarrassed) The heck you will!
Alan: Charlie, you're embarrassing him.
Charlie: Of course I am. That's why I came!
Berta: Who's the Smurf?
Alan: The "Smurf" is my receptionist.
Berta: You're letting Charlie hit that?
Melissa: It feels like I have known [Charlie] all my life.
Alan: I know the feeling. You get over it.
