Alan Harper Quotes
Alan: You sure you don't wanna come back to my office and hump my fax machine?
Charlie: You still have a fax machine?
Alan: Charlie, she is the best receptionist I've ever had.
Charlie: I'm hoping to say the same thing.
Alan: I intend to give my rose to Bachelorette #2.
Charlie: Only you could gay up banging two women.
(Jake is outdoors trying to hold a "Condos For Sale" sign)
Alan: Thanks, Mom. This is a perfect first job for him.
Charlie: First job? I think you're looking at the birth of a career.
Evelyn: I was gonna have him put up fliers, but I didn't trust him with a staple gun.
Alan: How much are you paying him?
Evelyn: Obviously, too much. Look at him! (Jake is picking his nose) For the record, I promised him $20 and a Playboy magazine.
Alan: Playboy?
Evelyn: Don't worry. I'll Magic Marker over the ta-tas and hoo-hoos.
Charlie: Oh, that's disturbing on so many levels.
Charlie: Okay, okay, look, you're not going out to have fun. You never go out to have fun, because you know why? You're not a fun guy!
Alan: Oh, oh, I am very much a fun guy. We just have different definitions of fun, and mine doesn't include urinary tract infections and dry heaving.
Charlie: (on Jake's texting) Look at him. He can type 80 words a minute with his thumb, but he can't pee without hitting the shower curtain.
Alan: Fortunately, typing is a job skill, and peeing is not.
Alan: (on condoms not being 100% effective) Haven't you read the package?
Charlie: Who reads the package? It's not like a cereal box.
Alan: Being a father is one of the greatest joys there is.
Jake: Hey, Dad, where's the plunger?
Alan: Uh, laundry room.
Jake: Thanks. I over-wiped.
Alan: No such thing, my son. (to Charlie) Where was I?
Charlie: The joys of fatherhood.
Alan: Right. (Charlie gives him a look) What? There was a time when he didn't wipe at all!
Alan: Hey, are you alright?
Charlie: No, I'm not.
Alan: What's going on?
Charlie: Alan, I have always conducted my sex life according to three simple principles: One—if at all possible, ladies first; Two—it is easier to be forgiven than ask permission; and third and most important—the ten seconds it takes to put on a condom beats the hell out of the ten years you have to pretend to like soccer.
[Charlie comes to lay down in Alan's bed]
Alan: You are wearing pajama bottoms, right?
Charlie: Shh...
Alan: Exactly how drunk are you?
[Charlie moves over to spoon with Alan]
Charlie: Both questions asked and answered.
Alan: What's the forecast?
Charlie: High tonight, low tomorrow, 100% chance of hangover.
Charlie: I'd never cone on to another guy's fiancee.
Alan: First of all, we don't know he was coming on to Chelsea and secondly I've seen you hit on a bride as she walked down the aisle.
Charlie: It was a joke. I asked her what she was doing later, everyone laughed.
