Alex: Always start with your high end meats, skip veggies they'll only fill you up with nonsense.
Mrs. Kerkovich: And?
Alex: Be sure to make sexual eye contact with the carver, your stomach will thank you.

He could be your soul mate, your kindred spirit, your One Tree Hill.

Alex: This is an ergonomic work hammock. See how easy? No carpal tunnel for this productive gal.
Penny: That's a sex swing...

Dave: All that's in here his travel Guess Who and a terrifying amount of condoms.
Alex: They're for your penis.

It's too Shia LeBeouf-y!

Dave: Alex and Dave, much like Dave's new haircut are keeping it cazsh.
Alex: Trust us the last thing we want is for things to get complicated like in It's Complicated, so we're just gonna go with it like in Just Go With It and be friends with benefits like in No Strings Attached.

Jane: Ill tell you what doesn't count, the Miami Heat's most recent NBA championship, it was an injury plagued strike shortened season, therefore Lebron still needs 6 rings to even get in the conversation with Jordan.
Alex: Are you done?
Jane: No, also Chris Bosh looks like one of Omar's boyfriends from The Wire.

Do you realize their Brangelina name is gonna be Derek?

I'm Ellen. I feel like if I'm gonna be a lesbian I might as well go straight to the top!

Alex: This is gonna be so much. I'm gonna get a penis shaped cake and a penis pinata.
Penny: It's a baby shower, not a bachelorette party.
Alex: Right right, ok what kind of penis stuff should I get?

Daphne: Seeing Jane married and pregnant has made you regret turning down the world's greatest guy.
Alex: John Krasinsky?

It'll be like "Three's Company!" I'll be adorable Chrissie, Max can be hilarious and you can be Janet.

Happy Endings Quotes

You're sweating on my bruschetta.

Jane [to Brad]

The weird part is, now that I have a guy, everybody wants to set me up. Oh I know Al! I should hook you up with one of my "extras."