Bob Kelso Quotes
Dr. Kelso: Eh, Dr. Reid, our hospital lecture series is tonight, and our psychologist, Dr. Burke, had to cancel his talk on fear of public speaking.
Elliot: Why, because he's afraid of speaking in public? Heh. Yeah.
Dr. Kelso: No, uh, his depression finally got the best of him, and he hung himself.
None of you will be assisting on anything, because we still don't have a donor heart. Last night, Mr. Bolger here was declared brain-dead. We have to convince his family to pull the plug and give us his heart. Whichever one of you Benihana rejects pulls this off gets the operation... Go!
Dr. Kelso
Dr. Kelso: Dorian, I need you to do the residents' call schedules for next month.
J.D.: Sir, I'm not even supposed to be here.
Dr. Kelso: Ahhh, me neither, son. I was one of the most promising young shortstops ever to come out of Altoona, Pennsylvania. Then came the Dominicans. Long story short, calling them all Pepe was apparently just racist enough to get me a life-long ban from the Appalachian Rookie League. Have the schedules on my desk by lunch.
Dr. Kelso: Now, on your feet. They need you in the O.R. to assist on the heart transplant.
Turk: The Bolgers said yes?
Dr. Kelso: Mr. Bolger wanted you to have this.
He hands Turk a card.
Turk: His son's driver's license?
Dr. Kelso: Turn it over.
J.D.'s Narration: Every so often, a wizard comes along and tells you exactly what you need to hear.
Turk turns the license over to reveal a small heart-shaped icon on the back which reads "DONOR".
Dr. Kelso: Seems like you had a heart all along!
Dr. Kelso: Who the hell's responsible for this?
J.D.'s Narration: Unfortunately, not even my giant mouthful of apple-pear-orange-banana-cherry-berry could lift my depression about losing my patient to Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: I am gonna let Big Bob, here, give the first excuse.
Dr. Kelso: Blah blah blah, I'm not doing it.
Dr. Cox: I'm caught on his collar!
Carla: This picture is happening!
Janitor: No, it's not.
Carla: Oh, what do you know, mop jock?
Janitor: A pretty good couple things over the years: The kitchen fire of '97. The kitchen fire of '98. The arson conviction of Luis the fry-cook. And, of course, the eventual termination of the hospital's Convicts-to-Cooks program. Bottom line - not gonna happen.
Dr. Kelso: How old do you think I am, Dorian?
J.D.'s narration: Okay, there's no way to answer that and not get in trouble. Change the subject.
J.D.: Sir, I would be honored if you and Enid would join me at my place on Sunday for some homemade jumbalaya.
Dr. Kelso: Well, it would be good for Enid to get out of the house...
J.D.'s narration: Oh my god, he's actually thinking about it! Change the subject back!
J.D.: You're 78, sir.
Dr. Kelso: You think I'm that old?
J.D.: Jumbalaya.
Dr. Kelso: I'm fifty-seven, numb-nuts.
J.D.: Really?
Dr. Kelso: And I know they say fifty-seven is the new forty-
J.D.: Who?
Dr. Kelso: I heard Mrs. Wilk gave you the axe.
J.D.: She said "I've led a great life." And every doctor in the world knows that's code for "I'm ready to die."
J.D.'s Narration: ...Cursing out an innocent orderly over a stolen physical therapy tub...
Dr. Kelso: Dammit, you better find it! Physical therapy tubs don't just disappear!
J.D.'s Narration: ...Or for some, just a relaxing afternoon soak on the roof.
Todd: Oh, come on, let me in. This totally covers my boys.
(The Janitor taps a sign reading "NO BANANA HAMMOCKS".)
Janitor: You try and get in here wearing that thing, I'm gonna give you a four-story atomic wedgie.
Dr. Kelso: But lately, it seems all people see when they look in my direction is some old guy. Hell, just last week, I was in the mall hanging out at Brookstone, and some kid asked me if I was lost.
J.D.: Brookstone? Were you looking for gadgets, sir?
Dr. Kelso: If that's what you call trolling for mall ass, then yeah.
J.D.: Okay...
J.D.: Agh! My screenplay!
Dr. Kelso: Hey, sport!
J.D.: You just lit your pipe on my title page!
