Alex and Jane tried being honest with each other like 20 years ago. The fight lasted for weeks. The family calls it, "the incident."

Jane: You use your special skill to save the gym!
Brad: Wait how am supposed to give fourteen consecutive orgasms to a brick building.

Dave: I think our wedding was pretty spectacular.
Brad: Yeah the only thing missing was a bride that stayed for the duration of the reception.

Max put stripper glitter in my two favorite things, my lotions and my creams.

Call me Melanie Griffith because I'm gonna be Workin Girllll.

Oh it was real physical. REAL physical. I'm talking about sex physical. Sock off sex. So hot

Brad: It's going to be an awesome night!
Jane: We're not going to have a three way.
Brad: It's going to be pretty good night...

Dave have your fingers lost weight?

My baby could sell snow to an Eskimo. And by snow I mean cocaine. Eskimos traditionally don't have a lot of disposable income so it's a pretty impressive sales feat.

Are you back on the sweet and creamy?

Max: You didn't like Ringling brother for brothers?
Brad: It would've been the greatest show on earf!

I still can't believe you lied to me about your birthday. I thought you were older than me. I thought I was married to a MILF. Now all those fantasies about her about being my dad's new wife, giving me a bath and swaddling me, don't make sense.

Happy Endings Quotes

You're sweating on my bruschetta.

Jane [to Brad]

The weird part is, now that I have a guy, everybody wants to set me up. Oh I know Al! I should hook you up with one of my "extras."