Bree: Well, I'm sure that she must have lots of other houses to show you.
Edie: Nope, Alma took one look at the Applewhite house and "BAM" it was love at first sight.
Bree: What?
Alma: We're going to be neighbors!
Bree: No! (pause) I mean, I mean, no. Alma, you can't buy this house!
Alma: Why not?
Bree: Well, are you aware of its history? The previous owner was harboring a murderer.
Edie: It was her son. And say what you like, she was a great mom.
Bree: They had a dungeon in the basement! And people say they still hear groans coming from the house at night.
Edie: (quietly, to Bree's ear) There's going to be groans coming from your house if you don't zip it!

Bree: I try to hold my head up and smile and just bake more pies for the church social. But now your ex is camped out on our doorstep like I'm hosting some kind of morman slumber party. And I do not know how I'm going to bake my way out of this one!
Orson: Darling, I'm gonna get Alma out of that house. I don't care if I'll have to live up to my reputation and strangle her!
Bree: (with great relief) Oh, you are a good husband...

Orson: She kissed me goodbye, what was I supposed to do slug her?
Bree: You went over there to read her the riot act, instead it looked like you were reading her a bedtime story.

Bree: Now that we're all assembled I'd like to introduce the guest of honor. I hope you'll all be as delighted to meet her as I was. You can come in now.
(Alma enters.)
Bree: Everyone, this is Alma Hodge, Orson's first wife.
(The ladies stare at Bree, then at Alma.)
Bree: (to Susan) Oh, about that apology, anytime you're ready.

Susan: Did you seriously think I could sit on information that would exonerate Mike? If you had seen his face in jail the other day.
Ian: The other day? You saw Mike?
Susan: Yeah, just to tell him about the lawyer. (turning to Bree) I know that Mike is innocent.
Bree: Right, just like you knew Alma was dead.
Ian: I thought we had an agreement.
Susan: We do. Can we talk about this later?
Susan: When? After your next conjugal visit?
Bree: (to Susan) Boy, when it comes to Mike there's no one you won't betray.

(Bree is throwing Gloria Hodge out of the house.)
Bree: We've rented you a condo in a lovely retirement community. It's our Christmas gift to you.
Gloria: So you're cutting me off from my new grandchildren?
Bree: That's our gift to them!

(Lynette and Gabrielle are getting ready for a poker game and Bree joins them)
Lynette: Guys, why's it been so long since we played poker? I really need this.
Bree: Oh, me too there is nothing more relaxing than an afternoon of finger food and girl talk.
(Susan walks in and joins them)
Susan: Hi ladies.
Lynette: Hey, how you doing?
Susan(to Bree): So did you tell the police that you think Orson killed Monique?
Gabrielle(in shock): What?
Bree(stunned): No I did not, and I don't plan to.
Susan: But Mike's in jail, and you said yourself you thought Orson did it.
Bree: I said I had concerns, concerns that have disappeared now that Mike has been arrested.
Susan: What are you saying? You think Mike is guilty?
Lynette: Hey, why don't we start that girl talk?
Gabrielle: I'll get the ball rolling, anybody have a yeast infection?
Bree(to Susan): They found Monique's blood on the wrench that Mike was trying to dispose of, I mean that hardly screams "INNOCENCE".
Susan: Her teeth were pulled, you don't think that's worth telling the cops she was messing around with a dentist?
Gabrielle(to Lynette): Orson was slipping it to the deck chick? (Lynette makes a weird expression)
Susan: Mike is innocent I know that in my heart.
Bree: We all have convictions Susan, I believe Mike's last one was for manslaughter. (Smirks)
Lynette: Ok, ok we've all made some excellent points in blowing off little steam, wooh, let's play some cards. (Smiles)
(Weird pause)
Susan(to Bree): If you're so sure that Orson is innocent why don't we go through his things? Where is his desk?
Bree: At his office, and what did you think you'd find there anyway?
Susan: I don't know a blackmail letter, a necklace made of teeth.
Lynette(to Gabrielle after both gave up): We're not gonna play cards are we?
Gabrielle(eating): no.
Susan: Well I'm certainly not playing with a woman that is willing to let Mike take the fall for her psycho husband.
Bree: Well needless to say I won't be cooking dinner for Ian's parents.
Susan: Fine, I'll cook myself.
Bree: Good, let me know if there are any survivors. (Smirks)
Susan: And if you take Orson back, you do the same. (Smirks back and leaves)

Bree: What are you watching?
Gloria: Home movies.
Bree: It's fun looking back at the past, isn't it?
Gloria: Well, it's one way to kill time while you're waiting for death.
Bree: We also have cable.

Bree: What in the world?
(Bree and Susan see Mike being arrested.)
Susan: Oh, my God! What's going on?
Mrs. McCluskey: They just arrested Mike for murder.
Susan: What?!
Mrs. McCluskey: They're saying he killed that woman on the news, that Monique person.
Bree: Oh thank God!

Bree: You cannot let your mother move into this neighborhood. It's filled with junkies and whores.
Orson: And we'll owe them all an apology.

(Edie is showing Bree, Orson and Gloria a cheap house.)
Edie: Let's try to be positive people! It's a fabulous location and just walking distance from all sorts of fun shops.
Bree: Right! From here I can see a bail bonds man and an adult book shop!

Bree: Now you listen to me. That woman gave you life, and the Fifth Commandment tells us to honor our parents no matter how hideous or repellent they may be.
Orson: That's not exactly what...
Bree: Orson, it's implied!

Desperate Housewives Quotes

I love you once. I love you twice. I love you more than beans and rice.


(after Andrew tells her he hates her) The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. And if you hate me, that means you still care, and we're still connected and I still have a chance to set you right.