Chelsea: I should never have let you go.
Charlie: Sometimes you can't appreciate what you got until you go to Mexico and don't have sex with a momma's boy.
Chelsea [after colonoscopy]: How you feeling?
Charlie: Like a new fish at Leavenworth.
Chelsea: Don't be so dramatic. Good news is you have a clean bill of health.
Charlie: Yes, but I lost my water tight seal.
Chelsea: Yes, but you have peace of mind.
Charlie: Yes, but now I can't wear white at our wedding.
Charlie: I'm out of baby wipes.
Chelsea: I bought you two boxes of baby wipes.
Charlie: What can I tell you, babies don't crap like this. At least not healthy babies.
Charlie: How old do kids have to be before it's legal to punch them?
Chelsea: Come on, you'd never hit Jake.
Charlie: That's exactly what I want you to tell child services.
Chelsea: You do realize jake just snuck out of the house...
Charlie: He's grounded, how else is he supposed to leave?
Charlie: I once had an orgasm with a lawn dart stuck in my foot.
Chelsea: Do you think I'm crazy?
Charlie: No. Having sex right over the hedge across from where the kids were playing lawn darts was crazy.
Charlie: What about your back pain?
Chelsea: I'll live with it.
Charlie: Are you sure?
Chelsea: I live with you, don't I?
Chelsea: They're not our boobs, they're my breasts
Charlie: If you were to dust them for prints right now, who would be suspect number one?
Chelsea: You're staring at them, Alan
Alan: It's okay, I'm almost a doctor
Chelsea [about Jake]: There has to be something beneath that sullen exterior.
Charlie: Yes, a D student with a perpetual boner.
Evelyn: I'm doubly pleased that you two have been able to put behind your obvious distasteful history and become such good friends
Chelsea: What distasteful history?
Berta: Come on, at least let them cook my breakfast
Evelyn: Most women would resent the former lover of their fiancee sleeping in the same house as them...
Berta: It ain't me, keep on cooking
Chelsea: So you could see yourself having kids one day?
Charlie: I don't see why not. It turns out I like babies and, as you know, I'm a long time fan of intercourse