Claire: Did you make the ladyfingers? Did you go to the gym?
Phil: Boy, you're really starting to sound like your old self.

Claire: You're in a house of horrors being held against your will.
Alex: Yeah, I know, so why do I need the cage.

Honey, trust me, I'm sparing you an entire day of guys asking you if you have a rough tongue.

Don't take this the wrong way, but I have almost no faith in you.

I hate it when you do that. You never heard of Troga? You never tried octopus? You never did this amazing thing I just discovered yesterday but I pretend like I've done my whole life?

Your kids don't need to know who you were before you had them; they need to know who you wish you were, and try to live up to that person. They're gonna fall short, but better they fall short of the fake you than the real you.

Claire: Look at them: A minute ago they were babies, and now their driving, and soon we'll all be dead.

Claire: Quick, quick tell me something to say that will freak him out.
Haley: Tell him I'm pregnant!

Claire: I got pregnant with Haley.
Phil: My bad!

Phil: You're such a great mother. Sometimes I wish you were my mother.
Claire: Oh gosh. I'm already queasy.

Phil: How did Scout get your bra?
Claire: Well, we were out on a date, and he has a really nice car, so — how do you think? He got it from the laundry basket.

Phil: We're like two peas in a pod, or Siamese twins, a snake with two heads!
Claire: They've actually been all those things for Halloween.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

You can't have two fun parents... You know that kid Liam who wears pajama pants to school and pays for things with a hundred-dollar bill? Two fun parents.

Claire