Bret: Okay, Dave, do you have any special skills?
Dave: I can make a weapon out of pretty much anything. Like when I'm gardening, some a-hole tries to sneak up and take me out - watering can tied to a hose. (whipping noises) Cops show up, "What's that, officer? Just watering the geroniums."

Dave: You guys seem a lot cooler today. Usually you guys wear clothes from the 70's.
Jermaine: They're not from the 70's, they're from New Zealand.
Dave: Isn't that the same thing?
Jermaine: Similar I suppose.

Woman [to Dave at New Zealand Town information booth]: What language do you speak here?
Dave: Um, we pretty much make it up as we go along. That's why the people from there are so hard to understand

I think you've gotta use honesty here. I mean, you know, it's always the best policy. Like the other day there was five, well, maybe there was like four really hot foreign chicks, either like Swedish or Korean, in my shop, and they were like "Dave, we wanna have a five way with you." I just told them, "honestly, okay." Then I gave it to 'em. Hard.

Murray: He may be dead.
Dave: He maybe did what?
Murray: He may be dead.
Dave: I know, but what did he maybe do?
Murray: He may be dead.
Dave: Yeah, maybe he did, maybe he didn't. What did he maybe do?
Bret: No, he may be dead.
Dave: Are you guys fucking with me?

Dave: I don't wanna be a dick, but could you guys move away? I'm trying to look lonely.
Jemaine: Lonely? What for?
Dave: Chicks are attracted to lonely guys. It's a psychological analogy.
Bret: What about Eugene?
[Eugene is seen eating alone]
Dave: He knows what he's doing

Flight of the Conchords Quotes

Jemaine: I think I know where I went wrong last night.
Bret: Yeah?
Jemaine: Yeah, Sally wanted to leave when you turned the light on. I think she found it weird - the whole thing with you there with the - with the light ... on.
Bret: Yeah, I think it might also be because she and I used to go out.
Jemaine: Yeah. It's 'cause you and her used to go out, but also because of the thing with the light. She's thinking, "Oh this is a nice situation." But then, "Ugh, who-- who turned on the light?"
Bret: Yeah. Yeah, maybe. But I think it's mainly because her and I used to go out... for like six months.
Jemaine: Yeah, well -- yeah, it's mainly because you used to go out, but also mainly because of the whole situation with the light.
Bret: Yeah, but the last thing you want to see when you're hooking up is your ex in the same room.
Jemaine: Yeah, and you also don't want to be startled by a light, do you?

Murray: I've told you. When you are in a band, you don't get with your bandmate's girlfriend. Past or present.
Jemaine: Yes, well, thanks for that.
Murray: You get a love triangle, you know, a Fleetwood Mac situation. Although there was four of them, so more of a love square. But you know, no-one gets on.
Jemaine: Ok, I see.
Murray: Mind you, they did make some of their best music back then.
Bret: Rumours
Murray: No. No, it's all true