What does this look like? An hour-long episode of The Office?

Some people said he hid his money using a portal to another dimension. Those people were on LSD. Everyone else said that he had a secret vault in his office.

Professor Duncan/ ZimZam: So we can afford to create a new model of weaponized vehicle once a week, but we basically get minimum wage to risk our lives?
Dean Pelton/ Vice Cobra Assistant Commander: Well, welcome to Cobra, ZimZam! Maybe you noticed our logo was a snake? Suck it up, guys!

Man, this got Sorkin-y.

My god, Annie, what kind of labyrinth have you created? Certainly not the magic kind with puppets and macho rock stars.

Annie: Creepy.
Dean Pelton: I don't know--add some doilies and a foot bath and this is my mom's house.

Don't tell me what I can't do! What are you, Cosmo's July quiz?

This is the biggest PR crisis to hit Greendale since we held that rally protesting the wrong Korea.

After you left, it was closed for sentimental reasons. And also asbestos reasons.

Dean Pelton here, wishing you another magic year at Greendale--ranked America's #2 community college by GreendaleCommunityCollege.com.

I scolded Leonard today, so according to Greendale bylaws, I now have to grant him three wishes.

Dean Pelton: Which is to say that having Jeffrey inside of me-
Jeff: No one was inside of anyone!
Dean Pelton: -was wrong. To have Jeffrey inside of me.