Dr. Chase: (to House) My mother has been dead for 10 years.
House: But she always with you in spirit

House: We are condemned to useless labor...
Dr. Wilson: Fourth circle of hell. Charting goes a lot faster when you eliminate all classic poetry.
House: Writing down what we already know to be read by nobody. Pretty sure Dante would agree that qualifies as useless.
Dr. Wilson: You're over two weeks behind in your charting...
(Dr. Cuddy approaches them, and House throws a piece of paper towards her)
House: Oops... I missed!

Pregnant Girl/Jill: Thank you so much. I gotta get you a gift or something.
House: Sometimes the best gift is the gift of never seeing you again.
Pregnant Girl/Jill: Okay, all right!

House: Lift up your arms. You have a parasite.
Jill: Like a tapeworm or something?
House: Lie back and lift up your sweater. You can put your arms down.
Jill: Can you do anything about it?
House: Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states.
Jill: Illegal?
House: Don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites...
Jill: Playdates...
House: (showing her sonogram) It has your eyes.

House: We have an epidemic!
Dr. Cuddy: Two sick babies is very sad, but it doesn't prove an epidemic.
House: How many do?

Her leg hurts after running six miles. Who knows, it could be anything!

Occam's Razor—the simplest explanation is that someone screwed up.

Dr. Cameron: So, a woman can't express her interest in sex without it being some professional power play?
House: No. If you look the way you do and you say what you said, you have to be aware of the effect that it's going to have on men.

House: I know you're gonna get fired. That's why you've got the new glasses, that's why your teeth are sparkly white. You're getting the most out of your health insurance while you still can.
Jodi: I might be quitting.
House: If you were quitting you would have known that last week, when your snot was still pale goldenrod, you're getting fired.
Jodi: I just don't like being told what to do.
House: (pause) I'll book you for a full body scan later this week.

Dan's Mother: How can you just sit there?
House: If I eat standing up, I spill.

Dr. Chase: It doesn't necessarily have to be that bad. If we exclude the night terrors it could be something systemic: his liver, kidneys, something outside the brain.
House: Yes, feel free to exclude any symptom if it makes your job easier.

You know another really good business? Teeny tiny baby coffins. You can get them in frog green or fire engine red. Really. The antibodies in yummy mummy only protect the kid for six months, which is why these companies think they can gouge you. They think that you'll spend whatever they ask to keep your kid alive. Want to change things? Prove them wrong. A few hundred parents like you decide they'd rather let their kid die than cough up forty bucks for a vaccination, believe me, prices will drop really fast.

House Quotes

Chase: Did you ever love me?!?
Cameron: I don't know.
Chase: Thank you for finally telling me.

He's just trying to get into your skirts. And I don't mean metaphorically.