Jim: The raise isn't real.
Dwight: Money isn't real ever since we got off the gold standard.

Those who can't farm, farm celery.

The fact that she could show her face around here is an embarrassment. I should know, I'm in an identical situation.

Jim: Why is there so much saliva?
Dwight: All I had to do was think about pie and my salivary glands did the rest.

Okay, okay. I will be the first to admit it. We could have integrated more Chuck into the presentation.

A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present.

Jim: How many buttons do you have?
Dwight: 40...always.

Genghis Kahn could take them both down, because he's not afraid to kill children.

I'm a decent baiter. My cousin Mose, that's a master baiter.

Dwight: What is the antidote?
Jim: True love's kiss.

Dwight: It's just stress, 'cause I care about this project. Frankly, the fact that none of you are vomiting or diarrheal right now, I find very alarming.
Erin: Who says none of us are diarrheal?

Ryan: What were the criteria for going?
Dwight: It might be innate goodness versus innate badness.

The Office Quotes

Sometimes I'll start a sentence, and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation.

Michael

When I was in college I used to get wicked hammered. My nickname was Puke. I would chug a fifth of SoCo, sneak into a frat party, polish off a few people's empties, some brewskies, some Jell-O shots, do some body shots off myself, pass out, wake up the next morning, puke, rally, more SoCo, head to class. Probably would have gotten expelled if I had let it affect my grades, but I aced all my courses. They called me Ace. It was totally awesome. Got straight Bs. They called me Buzz.

Andy