Ed Quotes
Dr. Maddox: (Looking in Ted's briefcase) Hey, how come all you have in here is a smiley face button and a revolver?
Ted: Well...one's in case I get sad and...the other one's in case I get really sad.
Dr. Maddox: Well! See you tomorrow.
Ted: We'll see.
Worthless Peons: "(Bum-bum-bum) Hava nagila, hava nagila, hava na-"
J.D.: Ted! Church!
Ted: We do mostly Bar Mitzvahs.
J.D.: Ted! Can you play a little music for us, buddy?
Ted: It's gonna cost you double what you paid us for the church.
Turk: Here's twenty.
Ted: Aaaand, here's four back.
Dr. Kelso: Nurse Espinosa, it's been brought to my attention that there's been some inappropriate behavior lately.
Carla: I know. I brought it to your attention.
Dr. Kelso: Anyway, it occurred to me that we can't allow this to continue.
Ted: It occurred to you because I researched case studies detailing the hospital's liability instead of going to single's night at the Korean church by my house!
Dr. Kelso: Ted's sad life aside, I have decided that you are going to run a sexual harassment seminar.
Ted: Ladies, this hospital's policy on sexual harassment is well-established. Plus-
Dr. Kelso: I'll handle this. I think what Garfunkle here is trying to say is that you should all take a second, think seriously about what's really bothering you, and then have a big group unbunching of your panties.
J.D.: Well, you wouldn't see my face because it would be buried in your chest, giving you the hug you've been afraid to ask for your whole life!
Dr. Cox: Huh!
J.D.: Now, if you don't want my help, then fine, I'll back off... But only because I feel a little bit guilty.
Dr. Cox: About what?
Ted: Dr. Cox, you received four complaints about calling male residents by girl's names.
Dr. Cox: Oh-ho. JUDY!
Ted: Dr. Cox. Ah. I'm afraid my band lost a member. So we're not going to be able to perform at your son's party.
Dr. Cox: Ted. Now even though I never asked you to, that is still just terrific news.
Ted: Sir you know my band? The Worthless Peons. Well, Chris from shipping and receiving wants to go solo. We lose him, we lose our sex appeal. He's the only one with hair. What do you think I should do?
Dr. Kelso: Ted you know my rule about personal problems. I'm not interested unless it involves my loved ones. Or possibly my wife.
Carla: I don't think he understands that "Espinosa" is more than a name to me. It's my heritage. It's also a candy bar in Equador. But mostly it's my heritage. I just don't want to do this Dr. Kelso, but I already agreed. What do you think I should do?
Dr. Kelso: Well, Nurse Snickers, until now you've just been white noise. But since you forced me to respond, let me a tell you a couple of things that only a few people know: I haven't paid my country club dues since the third quarter of ninety-seven. But I still tee off every Wednesday at eight fifteen, and take a bare-ass steam when the last putt drops. But more importantly, I really don't care about any of you or your problems. And you can confirm that with Ted.
Ted: Don't those Espinosa's have nougat?
Ted: Well its official. Chris left the band.
Dr. Kelso: Well Ted, you know what I think? Good riddance to him. You'll find another tenor.
Ted: Thank you sir.
Dr. Kelso: If you don't, who cares? You all stink anyway.
Ted: Sir, I think I figured out how my problem affects one of your loved ones. It affects me.
Dr. Kelso: Swing and a miss.
Ted: "Furthermore, if Sacred Heart Elementary for Girls does not change its name posthaste" - I thought that was a nice touch - "legal action will be taken, posthaste." Wait, that's wrong.
Dr. Kelso: Shocker.
